(Image by Scott Rodgerson)
The first time one of my sons revealed to me he had been
doing something he knew we didn’t approve of, my first instinct was to worry
about what this said about me as a mom. However,
I remember, when I was in the throes of wondering what so-and-so would think
about me when she found out, I suddenly had a stark realization: I could spend my time worrying about what
other people would think about me as a mom OR I could focus my attention on my
son and help him, but there really wasn’t room in my mind for both at the same
time.
We spend so much time trying to control what people think of
us (or our children), trying to get approval from others, trying to “look good”
for them. But, you can’t really control
someone else’s opinion. In fact, you can
never really know what someone else is thinking. You are actually only thinking your own
thoughts about the other person’s opinions.
This isn’t to say other people don’t have judgments about
how we parent or about what our kids are doing, but I will tell you this: their opinions tell you something about them,
not you. Really. I mean, my husband loves Rocky Road ice cream
but I think it’s gross. The fact that I don’t
like Rocky Road ice cream doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with it; it just
means it’s not for me.
Other people can believe I don’t really love my son because
I didn’t force him to go to Seminary (see “Just
because they say it, doesn’t mean it’s true” for the full story). But I know better; I know how much love I
have for each one of my children ~ even if other people don’t know it. And that’s the point. Judgment in and of itself isn’t what
hurts. The pain comes from believing the
other person’s judgment, and only you can decide to believe it… or not.
The thing about approval is this ~ we can spend so much time
trying to get it from others when, ultimately, even that will feel empty if we
don’t have our own approval. And
when you have your own approval you can make room in your life for the opinions
of others and not make their judgments mean you’re unworthy, incapable, or just
not good enough. Doesn’t that sound
freeing?!?!
