The power of a question

Do the holidays fill you with love and purpose?  Or more like overwhelm and dread?

About a month ago I started feeling the pressure of making Christmas a magical experience.  After all, my son who abruptly left home last December will be with us this year.  My daughter-in-law will be without her husband (but she lives close to us) who just left to go overseas for a year-long unaccompanied military assignment.  And I truly love my Savior, whose birth we celebrate at this time of year.

Even though I have all these reasons to create a wonderful Christmas experience, all I felt was… Bah-humbug.

What if our son chooses not to spend Christmas with us?  How can I really make it OK for our daughter-in-law that her husband is so far away?  Oh, yes, and I’m not the best gift-giver, and I don’t want all the sugar that comes with the Christmas season.  And we don’t spent enough time thinking about Christ during His season.

Wow ~ no wonder I was feeling like Scrooge.

But then I decided I really didn’t want to be full of the doldrums this year and I knew even though I was feeling overwhelmed with it all I didn’t have to stay there.

And this is where the power of a question comes in.  Deepak Chopra teaches that our imagination can be used either for anxiety or creativity.  Once I decided I wanted to be done with the stress this Christmas season I asked myself what I really wanted.

How can I feel really great about Christmas 2018?

And then I answered myself:  Create some experiences that include some of our favorite traditions.  Don’t feel like I have to do it all.  It’s OK if everyone doesn’t love the same traditions I do; I can invite them to participate anyway but still do what I want to do even if no one else does it with me.

Asking yourself questions is a great way to direct your mind to create a future you want to have because when you ask yourself a question your brain can’t help but find the answer.  The key, though, is to ask yourself some great questions:

How can I feel good about my relationship with my son this Christmas?

How can I help my part of the world today?

How can I contribute to my family in a meaningful way?

How can I have fun and take care of myself this week?

As we move closer to Christmas what kind of experience are you expecting?  Is that what you really want?  If not, what powerful question can change your experience?  Even though you can’t always change your situation and you can rarely change other people, you can still improve your own experience by asking yourself a powerful question.

What question can change your Christmas experience?

If you’re having a hard time coming up with a powerful question, feel free to email me what’s going on and I’ll help you discover one that will make a difference for you!  You can reach me at kelly@findpeaceinparenting.com.

Is this in your way?

Recently I found myself walking into a public restroom with a grin on my face.  You see, I spent the first 40 years of my life avoiding public restrooms at all costs.  I always thought they were disgusting and it just seemed better to endure a stomach ache from a full bladder until I got home than venture into a dirty, gross bathroom that probably didn’t have any toilet paper anyway.

Then, a few years ago my husband and I went to Mexico to celebrate our anniversary.  On our way to visit some ancient Mayan ruins I encountered something that sent me in search of a restroom before we even met our tour guide.  And, as my husband enjoyed learning about Mexican culture and history, I was learning to appreciate public restrooms.

Interestingly, I had never been so grateful for a public restroom in my life… even though this one was dark and dank; even though only one toilet in the entire restroom included a toilet seat; and even though it didn’t smell very well.  There was always toilet paper, though (for which I gave a very nice tip on my 17^th and final visit, to the lady who kept it stocked).

While my Montezuma’s revenge eventually left, my new-found appreciation for public restrooms didn’t ~ and that’s why I found myself smiling the other day as I walked into a stall in a public restroom.

You see, nothing has really changed about public restrooms.  Most of the ones I’ve used since my Mexico experience aren’t usually as clean as I would like them.  Sometimes it’s so dark I’m not really even sure what’s all around me.  Often times the smell is enough to trigger my gag reflex.  But now I’m always grateful they are there when I need one ~ especially if there’s toilet paper ;).

Do you ever find yourself believing that you can never be happy again until your situation has changed?  That you can’t feel good or have peace until your son embraces the life you want him for him?

It’s easy to assume it’s the circumstances in your life that create your experience in the world, but in reality, it’s really your thinking that creates your experience.

There are definitely things that happen in our lives that we have no control over (i.e., other people, our past).  But we always have control over what we think about what’s going on; we do have control over what we make those things mean.

But… do you even know what you’re thinking?  If you often find yourself thinking, “I have no control over what's going on in my head” or if you live your life mostly reacting to what’s going on, it’s because you’re simply not aware of what you’re thinking (this doesn't mean there's something wrong with you, though; it simply means you're human).

Awareness of what’s going on in your mind is the vital first step because then you can decide if you want to keep thinking that way.  Your brain is so efficient so it likes to keep thinking the same way it always has ~ even when it’s not serving you.  Awareness allows you to understand your own thought patterns and then decide if you want to keep them.

This week I challenge you to sit for 10-15 minutes and write down the thoughts you have about your relationship with your son.  Try not to worry about what you think you should be thinking or feeling.  Allow yourself to be real about what’s going on for you as you worry about your son and the choices he’s making.

If you find these thoughts aren’t helping you find peace or the answers you are searching for, then spend some time figuring out what you want to think about what’s going on.  But not in a “positive thinking” kind of way; find something that is believable and feels good. 

And if you need help figuring any of this out, send me an email (kelly@findpeaceinparenting.com) and let me know where you’re stuck.  Finding peace is possible… even in your situation.

The unexpected consequence

(DISCLAIMER:  I am not a doctor nor do I have any medical training; what I’m about to share with you is simply my own experience, not medical advice.)

I have spent a majority of my life suffering from headaches, all kinds of headaches, everything from dull, lingering ones to full-blown migraines.  I used to think a majority of my headaches came from my wisdom teeth, but, alas, my headaches persisted even after they were taken out.  And for 20 more years.

Over the last year, as I’ve learned to become more in tune with myself (instead of mostly taking care of everyone else), as I’ve become more aware of what it is I’m feeling (yes, even me, a self-proclaimed non-feeler!), and as I’ve determined to be more proactive in living the life I want to live ~ the frequency and intensity of my headaches have greatly decreased.

But, wait!  I would never even classify myself as a “worrier” (I’m more of the “Let’s just deal with what we can deal with” kind of gal).  I’m much more logical than emotional.  In fact, I will even admit that until recently I didn’t see much use for emotions.  They always seemed (to me) to get in the way.

I’ve always believed the cause of my headaches was stress, hormones, and dehydration.  But if that’s true then how in the world can it be that during the most stressful year of my life I’ve actually been more headache-free than I ever even imagined was possible?!?  To be honest, dehydration can still spur on a headache for me and I sometimes get a dull headache around my special time of the month but neither are as intense or debilitating as they were for 20+ years.

Learning to manage my mind, even in the midst of heart-wrenching experiences, has made all the difference.  Yes, I have experienced numbness, anger, hurt, fear, and despair (and, to be fair, I’ve also lived with hope, love, peace, and joy).  Managing my mind doesn’t make it so nothing bad ever happens; it just allows me to show up in my life (the good, the bad, and the ugly parts) the way I want to be.  Oh, yeah, and with a lot less headaches.

Are you ready to be done with your own headaches (or however stress manifests itself in YOU)?  Let’s chat about what’s going on for you over a free mini-session.  I’ll show you how to start loosening your own tension.  There’s nothing to lose, except maybe a headache or two ;)

Do you have this skill?

There I sat across the table from my son.  He had asked me out on a date, a belated birthday gift.  As he sat looking at the menu I felt my mind racing, kind of like a movie on fast-forward.  Only this wasn’t some blockbuster hit. 

The memories flooding in were from the last ten months:  when he walked out the door, promising to never come back; when I reached out in love only to be harshly accused of ulterior motives; when he wouldn’t answer my calls or texts and I didn’t know where he was or how he was doing; when I heard through the grapevine that he had reached out to other people, but never us; when I “watched” him on the Snapchat map (until Snapchat changed and you had to request permission to follow location); when our plane landed one morning and I had several messages waiting for me that he was in some serious trouble, and he still wouldn’t talk to us; when I found out that he had taken advantage of some dear, kind-hearted friends; when he stopped by unexpectedly one evening to give me an early Mother’s Day card and he looked so broken and his hug was so hollow; when he told us that anywhere was better than home, even his less-than-ideal living conditions.

Tears came to my eyes as I contemplated all we have been through and I almost surprised myself with the amount of gratitude and love that I had in my heart for him, not because nothing bad had happened, not because everything was now wonderful, and not even because I sat there with false hope.  The love and gratitude I felt was because I was so grateful for this time with him and I knew that if I had lived through the last year consumed with fear and anger and hopelessness this date probably wouldn’t have happened.  (Side note:  this isn’t to say I never felt fear, anger, and hopelessness; I just didn’t become consumed by them.)

I used to believe I had to wait for life to be what it should be before I could really start enjoying it.  It was almost as if the part of my life that was good was always tainted by the other part ~ the part that was going all wrong, the part I wished was different.

Even though we know better ~ at least in theory ~ when it comes to our own situation the principle doesn’t seem to really apply.  But, it does.

There’s nothing unique about me that makes it so I can go through these tumultuous times with love and gratitude, and you can’t.  I don’t have a special gene that makes it easier for me than for you.  I’ve simply learned how to separate myself from what’s actually going on so I don’t make every bad thing that happens be my fault.  It’s a skill, and one that anyone can learn.  Even you.  Even in your situation.

To begin the process, ask yourself these questions:

Are you only thinking about the times your son does something “wrong”?  What about all the things he does “right”?  If the “wrong” is all your fault, then so is the “right” ~ proof that you’ve done plenty of things “right” in your parenting.

In any situation would your son know what you would *want* him to do?  Just because he doesn’t choose what you want him to doesn’t mean you haven’t taught him.  Just because your son makes a choice you disagree with ~ it doesn’t mean you didn’t teach him correctly.

If you’re ready to learn how to feel more love and gratitude ~ even though you’re frustrated with the choices your son is making ~ it’s totally possible.  Write down your answers to the questions above and see how they help you to begin to separate yourself from all the choices your son is making.  If you want some help figuring this out set up your free mini-session now and let your own journey towards peace in parenting begin.

GRATITUDE even in the midst of TURMOIL

Here in the United States, every fourth Thursday of November we celebrate Thanksgiving.  While it’s become a time for family and food and football, I also choose to use this time of the year to step away from the busyness of life and remember the blessings I do have even though life rarely goes the way I want it to.

Even amidst the turmoil that sometimes comes with teen and young adult children who give us a lot to worry about, there are silver linings in most clouds, and there are tender mercies and little blessings that are a part of this experience ~ even if we can’t always see them in the moment.

Here are ten things (in no particular order) I’m thankful for ~ even though I wish my son was making different choices:

#1.  I am thankful for the many other people ~ even those who have been hurt by him, too ~ who love and care about my son, those who treat him nicely when they see him.

#2.  I am thankful for technology that allows for the possibility of staying in touch with my son ~ at least during those times he is open to it.

#3.  I am thankful for the ability to cry.  Although I’m not much of a crier, crying has been cleansing for me this year.

#4.  I am thankful for my coaching work.  Not only do I get to help other moms find peace, teaching these tools demands I know and use them myself, and they’ve helped me continue to find peace in my own situation.

#5.  I am so thankful for a loving Heavenly Father that is patient with me as I learn (and re-learn) how to trust in Him.

#6.  I am thankful for the woman I’m becoming through the hard things that have come my way this year.  In an interesting way, my own testimony in my Savior is much deeper now than ever.

#7.  I am thankful for those of you who read what I write.  And those who share a little bit of your own experience with me.  As I share a part of myself with you I feel lighter and better able to handle my own parenting challenges; I hope and pray your own load is lightened, too.

#8.  I am thankful for my family who supports me in all that I do, even sharing a bit of our own family journey.  I’m especially grateful that my sons always give me their OK when I ask if I can share specific things about them with you.

#9.  I am thankful I have learned to enjoy moments instead of always worrying about “what’s coming next.”

#10.  I am thankful for learning that love is not the same as condoning and that love is not an absence of boundaries.  Love is just love.

What good has come out of your "hard" this year?  Are there blessings you have over-looked?  What are you thankful for?

Improve your relationship with your son TODAY

It was two weeks before Christmas when my son decided to walk out of our front door with no intention of returning.  I knew I had every reason in the world to be hurt, angry, disappointed, shocked, sad, and frustrated ~ and I was.  I even felt gypped.  And, I’m not going to lie, I spent a lot of time feeling all of these emotions until I realized how exhausted I was, even how bitter I was becoming, and how out of control I felt.

Yuck!  Yuck!  Yuck!

Even though the situation was out of my control, I realized I had also handed control of my own well-being over to someone who I believed wasn’t making very good choices.  That was when I knew there had to be a better way for me to show up in this situation.

Yes, this whole situation wasn’t fair, but being enraged with my son only made me feel angry and feeling resentment only made me bitter.  So I decided to figure out how I wanted to feel, what kind of mom I wanted to be, even in this awful situation. 

I decided I wanted to feel love.

Since I know thoughts and feelings are connected, I knew I’d have to stop telling myself he was a selfish brat.  Whether or not it was true (and I certainly had a lot of evidence that it was), thinking about him this way only made me frustrated.  And I wanted to feel love.  So I decided to think this instead:  This is his journey and I can love him and pray for him.

What a difference that thought was for me!  It did help me feel love and compassion, which allowed me to (mostly) behave in a way I wouldn’t have to cringe about later.

How do you want to feel about your own son?  What would you have to believe to feel that way?

Figuring this out for yourself will immediately change your relationship with your son even if nothing about him or the situation changes.  I’m living proof it is true.

If you’re ready to take your control back but aren’t quite sure how to really take that first step, I’m here to help you.  Simply sign up for a free mini-session and I’ll show you how you can start to make it happen in your own situation.

True confessions of a self-proclaimed failure

Sometimes I surprise myself.  This morning, over breakfast with a friend, I heard myself saying, “Yes, it’s been a rough year but I honestly think it’s been worth it because of all the lessons *I* have learned and who I have become through all the hard.”  I’ve actually been thinking this for a little while now so that wasn’t the surprising part.  What surprised me was that it wasn’t just something nice to say; I actually realized I believe it whole-heartedly!

This got me to thinking about how just a handful of years ago I felt like such a failure as a mom because my son didn’t have the testimony I wanted him to have ~ and he had no desire for one.  OK, that didn’t necessarily make me a failure as a mom, but it certainly meant I was a huge, fat failure as a Mormon mom.

Now, I’m the kind of person that has to reconcile things in my head.  My son had been raised in the Gospel and here he was choosing to walk away from it.  Clearly this meant I had done something wrong and therefore I had failed.  Those were the facts, as I saw it, so I worked diligently on accepting the fact that as a mom in the Church I had simply failed.

I’m pretty good at embracing what “is” so I also learned to accept the loneliness and despair that come with being a failure.  Sure, it’s heavy, but this is what I deserved for failing so miserably; it was just a natural consequence of not getting it right.

But… what dawned on me this morning is this ~ I no longer believe I’m a failure that will never quite measure up because some of my sons have left the Church.  I no longer spend my time trying to prove I’m still a worthwhile woman even though I don’t have the “perfect Mormon family.”  And guess what else?!  I am no longer lonely and weighed down by guilt and remorse over things I cannot change.

I am not saying there weren’t things I could have done differently.  And I am not saying I don’t hope and pray that my sons will eventually want to develop a relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.  But what I am saying is knowing I’m not a failure as a mom (even as a Mormon mom) has allowed me to learn valuable lessons through the ups and downs of the last year ~ lessons like how to love unconditionally (which is not the same as accepting/condoning), how to find my own peace and happiness (which isn’t dependent on the actions of others), and how to accept that each one of us ~ even my boys ~ have been given the gift of agency (for better or worse), and I really wouldn’t want it any other way.

These lessons could not have been learned if I was consumed with worry, overwhelmed with bitterness, or even numbed with anger.  And even though I would not have chosen these experiences on purpose, I will be eternally grateful for the woman I have become through them.

I don’t usually love surprises but the one that came this morning ~ I’ll take it!

Are you ready to exchange your own feelings of failure for love, gratitude, and peace?  I promise it’s possible, even for YOU.  The world ~ especially your world ~ needs the best version of you.  I would love to help you find that under all the hurt, fear, and regret.  CLICK HERE to schedule your private mini-session where I’ll help you start feeling lighter.  It’s free.  It works. 

Isn’t it time to start finding your own peace in parenting?

Do you even know how to take care of yourself?

As moms of “wayward” teenage sons, we spend a lot of time worrying and praying; we spend time trying to teach and sometimes arguing; we stay up late so we’re available for those conversations that seem only to happen in the middle of the night; or we’re up late hoping our son is safe and warm.

We also take care of the needs of our family (meals, laundry, cleaning, soothing, shopping, etc.).  We work.  As members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we also serve diligently in our callings, including our ministering assignments, as well as volunteer for extra projects because… well, because we feel like we should.

Is it any wonder you’re feeling empty, run-down, depleted?

I’m sure you’ve heard all about the importance of taking care of yourself and you probably even understand it in theory.  But now it’s time to actually start putting yourself at the top of your priority list because even you cannot pour love from an empty pitcher.

What does this even look like?  It may mean you choose to pass on signing up to take dinner to someone in need (just this once!) so you have time for that long walk you promised yourself.  It might look like giving up that late-night chat with your son (just this once!) so you can get the rest you know your body and mind need.  Perhaps you will move dinner back 45 minutes so you have time to exercise or read a book.

Expect your family to be surprised now that you are making some time for you.  It’s OK; they’ll adjust.  And remember, as you start taking care of yourself, you’ll have so much more to give to others, especially the family you love with all your heart.

3 reasons why every mom of teenage boys needs a life coach

It’s been almost a year since I became a certified life coach.  Throughout this time I have been coached a lot myself and as I look back over everything that has happened this last year I know without any doubt that even though circumstantially this has probably been the hardest parenting year of my 25 years of parenting, I am the happiest and most at peace that I have ever been in my life.

Even though…

… a son ran away from home a few weeks before Christmas (and we had a trip planned) and this time stayed away for many, many, many months.

… a son got into trouble with the law.

… a son chose to have his name removed from the records of the Church.

So how is it possible to go through all of this (and more!) and still honestly say that I am happy and at peace?!?  How can any mom feel good about herself ~ and her parenting ~ when some (or most) of her children aren’t making the kind of choices she taught them to make?  But the most important question you’re probably asking is… “Can *I* really be happy and have genuine peace in my heart even in my own situation?”

The answer is YES.

There’s nothing super special about me.  I have spent over two decades being the best mom I could be at any given time, failing, trying again, failing some more, still keep trying, and beating myself up for not being perfect enough.

But when I began learning the tools I teach through my life coaching, my whole world changed.  And that’s why I can say with such confidence…

Everyone needs a life coach, a really good one, especially moms of teenage boys.

If you want to see yourself in a way you’ve never noticed before… get yourself a life coach.

If you want to hear the truth, in a loving space, even when it’s hard to hear… get yourself a life coach.

If you want the power to create whatever result you want in your life ~ no matter what your teen is doing… get yourself a life coach.

A really good life coach can change your experience as you learn to navigate the sometimes rocky terrain of parenting teens and young adults.  But don’t take my word for it:

“Kelly will be able to help you transform your relationship with your son so that you are not just ‘getting through’ this difficult time, but so that you can thrive through these experiences.” ~ Catherine M.

“With Kelly’s help I have been able to show up as the mom I want to be and love unconditionally.” ~ Julie B.

“The personal examples she gave helped me understand the principles and skills she taught me; because I could see how they benefited her, I was able to trust that they would make a difference in my life, too.  And they have.” ~ Robyn N.

“I was surprised by the questions she asked and how she was able to draw out my thoughts and help me see what I could really do to improve how I was thinking and feeling about myself as a wife, mother, and person.” ~ Shawna Y.

Every mom of teenage boys needs a life coach.  And if I’m not your life coach, no worries.  But find a really good one.  You’ll never regret working with a life coach; you’ll only kick yourself for not doing it sooner.

To find out if Find Peace in Parenting coaching is right for you, schedule a free mini-session now and see for yourself the power of a coach.  I will coach you on one of your specific problems and give you a tool you can start using immediately.

CLICK HERE to schedule your free mini-session.

Lesson from my motorcycle accident

I lived in Scotland for several years while I growing up.  Every-other-summer we got to come back to the States to visit family and friends.  The summer I was 12 we spent a lot of time with our cousins riding dirt bikes.  We rode on the dirt road between my cousins’ home and my grandparent’s home; we rode along the wheat fields and to go do chores; but our favorite place to ride was on my uncle’s dirt runway because it was smooth and straight and we could pick up some speed.

Since I’m not really the adventurous type, I was usually behind one of my cousins on their bike, but eventually they made me learn how to drive.  So, late in the summer, when my brother left for a week to go to football camp, his dirt bike became mine for the week.

One afternoon, as I was cruising down the runway, enjoying the wind in my face, I suddenly realized that the runway was soon coming to an end and I was going way too fast for the bumpy ruts I was headed for.  Up until this time I hadn’t really gone super-fast while driving so I hadn’t yet learned about the danger of trying to slow down too fast.

So I fish-tailed.  And then I crashed.  And the 1255cc dirt bike landed on me, with the hot engine burning through the skin on the inside of my right leg.

My cousin got me back home where my second-degree burns were taken care of, but I remember I really wasn’t so concerned about my leg.  What had me most worried was that my brother was going to be mad because I crashed his brand new dirt bike.

That worry tortured me for several days.  (This was way before cell phones and constant communication, so my brother didn’t know about what happened until he got back from his football camp.)  I worried because he had trusted me enough to let me use his dirt bike and I didn’t take very good care of it and now it was scratched up.  I worried because I didn’t like it when he was mad at me.

Imagine my surprise the night my brother arrived home and the first thing he did was come and make sure I was OK.  He wasn’t too worried about his bike, but he was concerned about me and my bandaged leg.

So, I had spent several days worrying about something that never happened.  What a waste of time.

How much time do you spend worrying about things that haven’t happened yet?  Do you worry that your son will give up all the good things you’ve taught him?  Do you worry that he might not marry the right girl since he’s no longer associating with the Church?  Do you worry that you’ll never have your whole family together in the temple?

Sure ~ all these things might happen.  But it’s also true that they might not.  Worrying ahead of time just ensures you get to worry either way.

What could you do with the time you currently spend worrying about something that hasn’t happened yet?  I spend that time living my life and nurturing myself so I can better show up as the kind of person I want to be, especially in my relationship with my son.

If you’re ready to stop pre-worrying but aren’t quite sure how to make the change, schedule a free mini-session and I’ll show you how.  Life is certainly better with less worry.

Tired of your problems?

What if most of the things you think of as problems aren’t really problems?  What if your problem is really an opportunity?

Recently, we were out of town for the weekend.  We were headed to church before going home when my husband called (we were in separate cars) to tell me we had left a pair of shoes in our hotel room.  Although I knew it would mean I would be late for Sacrament meeting, I turned around to go back and get the shoes.  (FYI ~ I'm a pretty timely person and am rarely late for anything!)  After checking and re-checking the hotel room, I went back to my car and found all of our shoes safely tucked inside our shoe bag.

I could have easily been upset with myself (for not checking the bag first) or upset with my husband (for not remembering he put the shoes in the bag), OR I could choose to not make a big deal out of it.  I chose to giggle and just get back on the road.

Problems really aren’t problems until you think of them as problems (someone else could have thought it was a good thing to be late for church ;).  In fact, focusing on the problem can sometimes be the problem because it prevents you from focusing on the solution or how to move forward.

One way to shift your thinking is to ask yourself, “So what?”  Why does it matter that I returned to the hotel only to ultimately find the shoes in my trunk?  If I make it mean it’s not OK to be wrong sometimes or there’s something wrong because I was late to church or I should have pulled over and checked the bag before driving 15 minutes back to the hotel and because I didn’t there’s something wrong with me ~ If I make this experience mean any of these things, that’s where the problem lies because I have the power to interpret the situation any way I want (i.e., better to check when I was only 10 miles away instead of 60 miles).

It boils down to this:  your thinking is what causes the problem, not the particular situation (because the situation is just what happened, not your interpretation of what happened).  And this really is good news because it gives you back the power!

(By the way, I’m not suggesting you shouldn’t think about anything as a problem; just notice that it’s your thinking that’s making the problem.)

So, you’re worried about your son because he doesn’t go to Seminary (or think about your own reason for worrying).  Your worry comes from what you’re thinking. 

So what that he doesn’t go to Seminary? 

Why does it matter to you? 

What are you making it mean?

The answers to these questions will show you what’s really the problem because your answers are what you are thinking about this situation and it’s your thinking that’s causing the worry.

Becoming aware of what it is you are thinking and then recognizing how that thinking makes you feel is a powerful first step in finding the solution to your problem.

Try it for yourself:

Name your problem.

Write down all the reasons it’s a problem.

Ask:  So what?  Why does it matter to you?  What are you making it mean?

Notice whether or not those thoughts are serving you.  But also spend some time this week noticing how those thoughts make you feel.

If you want help with this process ~ so you can finally have some peace in your own parenting situation ~ schedule a free mini-session now and I’ll help you figure out what thoughts are really causing your problem.

Tired of being a mind reader?

(Image by Scott Rodgerson)

The first time one of my sons revealed to me he had been doing something he knew we didn’t approve of, my first instinct was to worry about what this said about me as a mom.  However, I remember, when I was in the throes of wondering what so-and-so would think about me when she found out, I suddenly had a stark realization:  I could spend my time worrying about what other people would think about me as a mom OR I could focus my attention on my son and help him, but there really wasn’t room in my mind for both at the same time.

We spend so much time trying to control what people think of us (or our children), trying to get approval from others, trying to “look good” for them.  But, you can’t really control someone else’s opinion.  In fact, you can never really know what someone else is thinking.  You are actually only thinking your own thoughts about the other person’s opinions.

This isn’t to say other people don’t have judgments about how we parent or about what our kids are doing, but I will tell you this:  their opinions tell you something about them, not you.  Really.  I mean, my husband loves Rocky Road ice cream but I think it’s gross.  The fact that I don’t like Rocky Road ice cream doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with it; it just means it’s not for me.

Other people can believe I don’t really love my son because I didn’t force him to go to Seminary (see “Just because they say it, doesn’t mean it’s true” for the full story).  But I know better; I know how much love I have for each one of my children ~ even if other people don’t know it.  And that’s the point.  Judgment in and of itself isn’t what hurts.  The pain comes from believing the other person’s judgment, and only you can decide to believe it… or not.

The thing about approval is this ~ we can spend so much time trying to get it from others when, ultimately, even that will feel empty if we don’t have our own approval.  And when you have your own approval you can make room in your life for the opinions of others and not make their judgments mean you’re unworthy, incapable, or just not good enough.  Doesn’t that sound freeing?!?!

If you’re tired of making parenting choices in hopes of gaining the approval of others, but you’re not sure how to break the cycle, schedule a free mini-session NOW and I’ll show you how I can help.

Overcoming Anxiety

Last summer I went tubing for the first time.  I was excited for this new experience… until the boat that was pulling our tube started moving.  Suddenly, my chest seemed tight and all I could think about was getting out of the water.

My son was right by my side and I told him I was done.  Since we had just barely started, he asked me what was wrong.  I was afraid to fall off and had no idea how I would handle it if I did.

He told me to let go.

I told him he was crazy, and said, “No way.”

He said again, “Let go, Mom.  On the count of the three we’ll both let go together.”

I have no idea why I listened, but when he got to “3” I let go of the tube and almost instantly found myself bobbing up and down in the water, feeling much better, and waving to my husband to turn the boat around so we could really go tubing :)  When I talked about it later I realized a few things:  1) I had forgotten that I know how to swim; 2) I had forgotten I had a life jacket on; and 3) Immersed in my anxiety, I told myself I was going to get hurt because I had no idea what I was doing.

In this experience, my anxiety was short-lived; however, when we worry about our children, the anxiety can seem to pervade our lives, taint everything, and leave us with worry, fear, and apprehension.

Sure, anxiety is a part of life, so it’s not as if when you learn to overcome anxiety you’ll never have to deal with it again.  But knowing a few things about anxiety can help you deal with it better.  Here’s some things to know:

-          Anxiety is an uncomfortable feeling (and a feeling is just a vibration you feel in your body, which means the feeling won’t actually hurt you).

-          Anxiety is normal and natural, which means there’s not something wrong with you when you get anxious; you’re just human.

-          Anxiety in and of itself is harmless; it’s our reaction to it and resistance of it that causes problems, which means we can have some power over it.

So, what can you do to overcome the anxiety you feel when you think about the choices your son is making?  As moms, we usually try to resist or fight the anxiety (i.e., get mad at ourselves for having it), but this only increases it.  Or, we react to it (i.e., yell, rush around), but this only seems to add fuel to the fire.  Or, we avoid it (i.e., pretend it’s not there or distract ourselves with food, work, Facebook, etc.), but this only works in the moment.

There is another option, though.  It might seem counter-intuitive, but the next time you feel the anxiety welling up inside, I challenge you to… actively accept it.  Here’s how:

-          Recognize you’re feeling anxious.

-          Remind yourself nothing has gone wrong, you’re just feeling anxiety (and we’re not supposed to feel comfortable all the time).

-          Choose to accept it (which does not mean you’re giving up; it actually means you’re taking your power back).

-          Remember, thoughts cause feelings, so it’s thoughts that cause anxiety (not the situation).  Be curious about what you’re thinking.  Often times we don’t even really know what we’re thinking, so take 5-10 minutes to write, write, write down what’s going on in your head.  Don’t judge it, just write, and then notice which thoughts are causing your anxiety.  (This is NOT a time to beat yourself up or get mad at yourself for what you’re thinking.  Don’t even try to change what you’re thinking.  Just notice what you’re thinking and let yourself be/understand.)

-          Specifically describe how your anxiety feels in your body.  Where do you feel it?  (Scan your body from your toes to your head.)  What does it feel like?  (Say you feel it in your shoulders ~ Is it hard like a rock?  Heavy?)  Describing how the anxiety feels allows you to observe it; it also helps you understand that it’s just a vibration you feel somewhere in your body and it’s not necessary to avoid it.

-          Breathe.  Inhale until your belly is full, then exhale slowly and fully.

When you choose to actively accept the anxiety you feel, you own it.  It doesn’t make it disappear, but it does put you back in control.  Anxiety doesn’t mean something has gone terribly wrong; it means you’re alive.  And since it’s an emotion you’ll get to experience on a regular basis, remember, it’s not a problem until you make it a problem by resisting it, avoiding it, or reacting to it.

If you would like some help learning how to accept the anxiety you feel, email me at kelly@findpeaceinparenting.com to set up a free mini-session today.  We can talk about your own specific situation and see if my Find Peace in Parenting program is a good fit for you.  There’s nothing to lose… except some of your worry ;)

White-knuckling ~ NOT your only choice

Let’s face it.  As moms we often believe ~ especially when life isn’t going the way we hoped it would ~ that we’re in this alone, that it’s up to us to make it all better.  We might have a husband or friend we can share our deepest fears with, we know our Heavenly Father is there for us, but we still feel alone and we find ourselves white-knuckling our way through this relationship with our son.  This is why I started my Find Peace in Parenting blog and coaching program ~ because white-knuckling isn’t the only way.

Yet, as I talk to LDS moms about my Find Peace in Parenting coaching program, I sometimes get the feeling they think I believe that my coaching tools should replace their dependence on Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.  This is the exact opposite of what I believe.  I know Heavenly Father will guide us through the challenging times in our lives.  But I also know that the adversary spends a lot of time trying to discourage us and create havoc when our sons aren’t living the way we want them to.  I also know that when I’m consumed with feelings of doubt, I don’t show up in my relationship with my Heavenly Father from a place where I can hear Him and feel connected to Him, even if I’m going through the motions.  When I’m believing ~ and telling myself over-and-over ~ that I’m a failure as a mom, I begin to doubt that even the Atonement can heal my heart.  When I’m consumed with despair, it makes it more difficult for me to hear the whisperings of the Holy Ghost.

This is where Find Peace in Parenting comes in.  The coaching I do helps you clear your head and put you in a better place to feel His direction in your life.  The blogs I write are here to enhance your LDS beliefs, not diminish them.

If you’re tired of the exhaustion that comes from white-knuckling and you want to find out more about my Find Peace in Parenting coaching program and how this work can bring you closer to Heavenly Father ~ SCHEDULE a free MINI-SESSION NOW or email me at kelly@findpeaceinparenting.com.  I’m here for you.

Awareness is the key

Before I became a certified life coach, I often found myself mentally exhausted, with the accompanying “fog” that seemed to follow me everywhere and migraines that interrupted my life way too often.

Even if you’re not interested in my Find Peace in Parenting coaching program, I want to tell you how you can begin to climb out of the fog that seems to permeate when you’re worried about the choices your teenagers are making.

When I find my mind spinning out of control, I sit down for 5-10 minutes and just write whatever I’m thinking.  I don’t censor it.  I don’t judge it.  I just download all of my thoughts.  Just the process of getting it all out of my head seems to bring some relief.

Then, I look back over what I’ve written and decide what’s true and what’s not.  It’s easy for me to fall into the trap of believing that just because I’m thinking something, it must be true.  But as I’ve learned to become aware of just what is going on in my head I’ve realized I tell myself a lot of falsehoods ~ and they don’t help me in my situation.  Once I have the awareness, though, I can decide whether or not it’s something I want to keep thinking and believing.

If you’re tired of the fog that just complicates things as you parent your teen, I challenge you to take 5 minutes right now and write down everything you’re thinking about your situation.  Try not to write what you think you *should* be thinking.  Don’t worry about proper sentence structure or your handwriting.  Just write.

Then ask yourself if there are any lies on that piece of paper.  If there are, decide whether or not you are going to keep believing it.  It really is a choice.

If you find some thoughts you’d like to stop thinking but you’re having a hard time knowing how to get rid of them, email me at kelly@findpeaceinparenting.com and I’ll help you open up your mind to the possibilities.

Walking the walk (not just talking the talk)

Photo by Dineslav Roydev on Unsplash

This morning (as I was doing what I encourage my clients to do daily ~ their own thought work!) it hit me just how powerful the tools I get to teach to others really are and how much they have impacted my own life.  So I thought I would share the three beliefs that have changed for me over the last year and how each new belief has changed my life.

#1 ~ When I spent a week entirely immersed in coaching and being coached myself, I became aware of a deep, long-lived belief I didn’t even realize I had ~ the belief that I *wasn’t* ever quite enough… as a wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend, chairman, neighbor (the list could go on)… not ever enough.  My new-found awareness of this over-arching thought, and the realization of how it permeated everything I did, was so shocking to me and so sad to me, I decided to put a stop to it.  And I did.  I had to practice it for a while but now I know *I am enough* and it has made all the difference in my life, and even I can see how I now show up as the person I really want to be rather than a watered-down version of me.

#2 ~ During my certification period to become a life coach I began to realize that I often told myself I never had very good questions to ask.  As soon as I noticed this, I remembered back to my many years of teaching and mentoring, and realized that every time I prepared to lead a discussion I had always thought the same thing.  Well, I could clearly see this wouldn’t be a helpful belief if I wanted to be the best life coach I could be, so I determined to change it.  And I did.  Again, I had to practice “I ask good questions” for a while; I even giggled out loud in the beginning because it didn’t feel true, but I kept practicing it anyway.  Several months later, not only do I hear myself asking good questions, but several times a week I’m told, “Wow, that is a good question.”

#3 ~ Anyone who has built her own business (or even tried!) knows the experience is full of highs-and-lows, and oftentimes it’s discouraging.  Instead of dwelling on how hard it is to find the people I want to help (“It’s hard to find my niche clients”), I decided to concentrate on this thought:  “I’m learning to find niche clients.”  Until today.  During my thought work today I realized that while “learning to” was a good step from “it’s hard,” I’m now ready to believe “I know how to find niche clients.”  And I will find them because it's my heart's desire to help them.

We spend a lot of time on our physical and spiritual health (and rightly so!) but we often don’t see the importance of working on our mental health unless we’re mentally ill.  However, becoming aware of the thoughts I shared above allowed me to decide whether or not they were serving me well.  When I realized they weren’t I was then in a position to make a choice to keeping thinking and believing that way, or not.  And while I can’t always change the situation I’m in or the challenge I’m facing, I *can* determine how *I* want to show up, no matter what is going on.  Even in parenting our teen and young adult children.  In fact, especially as we parent them.

“Find Peace in Parenting” isn’t just a nice saying or a hopeful thought.  I know it’s a possibility for anyone who chooses to learn how to manager her own mind.  If you want "peace in parenting" to be *your* reality ~ contact me now at kelly@findpeaceinparenting.com.  Peace awaits.  Come on, I’ll show you how!

Real Freedom

As a child who spent more than a handful of years living overseas, I grew up with an appreciation for the freedoms I enjoy as an American citizen.

As a student of history, I have a depth of understanding of the sacrifices that accompany freedom, and I’m eternally grateful to those who gave part of their lives and those who gave their whole life, so I can be free.

As a wife whose husband served our country in the US Navy for over 20 years, I have a unique love for those who serve in the military, and also for those who support those who serve.

And yet, with an abundance of freedom surrounding me, I sometimes feel trapped when things aren’t going the way they should; I sometimes feel stuck in fear when I see my son not living like he should; and I sometimes feel desperate when I’m consumed with the thought that life shouldn’t be unfair.

Americans have more freedoms than we sometimes realize, but obviously, feeling cornered or scared or distressed only makes us feel like our hands are tied… definitely *not* free.  But don’t be discouraged!  I’ve been reading Tracy Goss’ The Last Word on Power and have learned a truth I want to share with you.  But, first, go back and re-read the paragraph above (“And yet…”).

Did you notice anything?  A common word?

“Should.”

That six-letter word ~ should ~ is just a big trouble-maker.  Goss explains why as she identifies the Universal Human Paradigm (something all human beings believe):  “There is a way that things should be.  And when they are that way, things are right.  When they’re not that way, something is wrong with you, them, or it.” (p. 77)

Think about it.  How often is “should” the beginning of your angst?

Now contrast the Universal Human Paradigm with this truth:  “Life does not turn out the way it ‘should.’  Nor does life turn out the way it ‘shouldn’t.’  Life turns out the way it does.” (p. 96)

Think about it.  “Life turns out the way it does.”

This doesn’t mean we don’t care.  It doesn’t mean we don’t pray.  It doesn’t mean we don’t teach and try to influence for good.  It doesn’t mean we throw up our hands and quit trying.  It simply means life turns out the way it does so there’s no use spending time consumed with “I should have…” or “I shouldn’t have…”

How would your life be different if “should” was banned for the day?  What freedom could you enjoy if “should” was not a part of your vocabulary for a week?  Comment below or email me at kelly@findpeaceinparenting.com ~ I’d love to hear about the freedom that awaits you!

The Uncharted Trail

Sometimes my husband and I like to go hiking.  When we don’t have an entire day to devote to playing, but still want to get out in nature, we have our go-to canyon that’s fairly close to home, includes a moderate hike, and has beautiful views.  We’ve hiked in this canyon multiple times, usually making our way to the top of the rim, enjoying the view, and then going back down the same way we went up.

Recently, however, we decided to go down a different way so we could see some other sites in this gorgeous canyon.  We had forgotten to grab a map but figured we could find our way ~ or else we would just turn around and go back the way we’d come… if we needed to.

Our hike up to the canyon rim was nice and familiar.  After making our way to the top and taking some time to enjoy the view and eat breakfast, it was time to keep going.  The canyon rim was longer than we expected.  As we continued to walk, with the temperatures rising, we began to wonder when we would find the path that would take us back down into some shade.

When we stumbled upon a rattlesnake we almost turned around, but decided to keep going on the path that was new to us.

After passing various clumps of trees, each time sure we were to see the path that would take us down into the canyon, only to find more boulders and trees, we asked a fellow hiker (who was heading in the opposite direction) how far we had to go before the descent began.  We were closer than we thought!

As we made our way back down into the canyon we got to see some new sites, like an old, crumbling dam and a glittering waterfall.  There were sporadic signs to point the way, but we also came upon forks in the path; sometimes we chose the right way and sometimes we had to turn around and take the other path.  We enjoyed the new experience, but there were also times we wondered when it would end (especially when we ran out of water!).  But by the time we got back to our car we were grateful for the new things we saw and the lessons we learned along the way.

Hiking on this new (to us) trail, when we weren’t quite prepared and we didn’t quite know where we were going, reminded me of the unchartered trail we sometimes get to travel as moms.

I had some definite expectations as my boys moved into their young adult lives.  I had a map that showed the course they were “supposed” to take.  As some of them choose a different way I sometimes feel lost and alone, sometimes I’m scared of the dangers that are out there, and sometimes I get tired of the new terrain.

However, staying stuck and afraid and exhausted isn’t the only option as you travel down this road you’d rather not be on.  Sure, there are probably dangers along the way, but you can navigate your way safely around them.  It’s also important to remember that even when you’re in new territory and unsure of exactly where you’re headed, there *are* fellow travelers that can guide you.  And whether you see this as an opportunity or an unbearable burden will make all of the difference ~ for you.

What would happen if you embraced this new opportunity to learn the value of agency and to learn how to love unconditionally?  Wishing you weren’t on this path won’t make it go away.  So, since you’re here anyway, why not make the best of it? 

Learning to find peace in a situation you can’t change is a valuable skill to have.  There’s no better time to do it than now.  Peace *can* be yours.

If you’d like to chat with someone who’s learned to find peace in her parenting, I’m just an email way (kelly@findpeaceinparenting.com).  You don’t have to traverse this uncharted trail all alone.  I’ve done it alone and I’ve done it with support.  With support is so much better.

Your brain ~ more powerful than you think

Our brains are so powerful.

Recently I heard someone say something like, “I decided years ago that I would look good in every picture, and I have ever since.”

I generally hate having my picture taken ~ or rather, I don’t like seeing myself in pictures.  However, after hearing the above comment I decided to see if believing I look good in every picture taken of me would change what I saw.  This time of year ~ with the beginning of summer and family get-togethers ~ has given me ample opportunity to test it out.  This is what I’ve discovered…

It is true.

Since changing my mindset about myself in pictures I have enjoyed the multitude of photos taken at family celebrations, a women’s church activity (including video of me learning some dance steps), and a hike with my hubby.  I don’t weigh less in these pictures than when I originally heard I could believe I look good in every picture.  Nothing has changed… except for the way I think about myself in pictures.

My brain is powerful.  Your brain is powerful.

So, what would happen if you chose to think something different about your current situation with your teenage son?  Assuming you’ve done everything you can to change his current choices, to alter the path he is on, to make things be different… but nothing has changed ~ what have you got to lose by experimenting with some other thoughts about your son, something different than “This shouldn’t be happening” or “I’m such a failure as a mom”?  Is it possible that…

This is his journey and you can love him and pray for him through all the ups-and-downs.

He’s learning and we all learn by doing.

Nobody could be his Mom better than you.

You are enough.

Often our brains are on automatic pilot, and we all have our favorite go-to thoughts.  But because our minds are so powerful we *can* redirect them if our current thoughts aren’t helping us be who we really want to be in this situation.

Pick a useful thought from above (or one you’ve thought of yourself) and start practicing it several times a day.  What changes for you?  How is your day different by spending a few minutes thinking “Nobody could be his mom better than me” or “This is his journey and I can love him and pray for him through it all”?

I’d love to hear about your experience.  Comment below or email me at kelly@findpeaceinparenting.com

The day my head DIDN’T explode!

One afternoon, my son and I got into a heated argument.  I can’t even remember now what it was about, yet this was a pivotal moment for me.  As he stomped off upstairs, I sat on the couch feeling so infuriated my head felt like it was going to explode.  And yet, as I saw his feet disappear at the top of the stairs I had this stark realization ~ my depth of anger for my son at that moment equaled the depth of my love for him.  All of the sudden the anger that had scared me just a moment before seemed OK.  In fact, I actually embraced it because in some weird way it also reflected the great love I had (and still have!) in my heart for him.

Oftentimes we mistakenly believe that happiness is the absence of negative emotion.  But that’s not really the case.  Happiness is actually the joy you feel as you’re working towards your potential.  And guess what?!  Working towards your potential *will* involve overcoming obstacles, which also means experiencing some undesirable emotion along the way.

Resisting negative emotion (a.k.a., pretending it’s not really there) doesn’t make it go away.  In fact, resisting emotion creates so many problems (i.e., feeling stuck, physical ailments) and it keeps us from experiencing what it is to truly be alive.

The next time you find yourself buffering from a negative emotion (i.e., distracting yourself with social media, food, exercise, etc.), try allowing yourself to feel that emotion instead.

Name the emotion.  Notice where you actually feel it in your body.  Allow it to be there (sometimes acknowledging out loud can help, “This is [regret].  I’m feeling [regret]”).  Get out some paper and write down everything in your head.  Don’t judge it, just allow it, and be curious.

Allowing yourself to feel the negative emotion, instead of resist it, will enable it to actually go away ~ which is very different than pretending it’s not really there.  It allows you to be a real human being living here on the earth where we’re supposed to experience the good and the bad.

There is no hope without disappointment.

There is no joy without sorrow.

There is no faith without doubt.