Parenting Problems: Take Two

Picture by Ian deng

In last week’s blog I shared how I returned to a hotel to retrieve some missing shoes only to eventually find those shoes were already in my car.  When I chose to believe this wasn’t a big deal, that it was not a reason to get upset, I got to feel love and peace, something that would not have been available to me if I was angry.

It seems kind of obvious in situations that don’t include the heartstrings of a mother.  But what if the same thing applied even when your teenage son stops going to church, doesn’t serve a mission, or even moves in with his girlfriend?

It does apply.

What you’re thinking about your problem with your son really is up to you (and that’s actually good news!).  Since your thoughts cause you to feel a certain way, ask yourself, “How do I want to feel about this?”

Let’s say your son moves in with his girlfriend.  You don’t approve of this decision, and in fact, you’ve taught him much differently, but he’s moved in with her anyway.  Your initial reaction may be one of heartbreak, anger, disappointment, or even indifference.  But my question for you is ~ How do you want to feel about this? 

I’m not suggesting you should feel delighted or even OK with it (although you certainly can if you’d like).  The truth is ~ there’s no “right” answer to how you want to feel about this.  You get to decide.

As you think about how you want to feel, you might also consider how you want to behave in this particular situation.  No matter what’s going on for me, I act differently if I’m curious rather than enraged, if I feel hope rather than despair.  And I’ve found that, especially in parenting my teens, how I behave certainly makes a difference in the situation.

So, how do you want to feel about this problem?

What feeling will help you to show up in this problem from a place of wisdom and peace?

Answers to your problems and creativity in finding solutions come so much easier when you are calm and curious.  Is what you’re doing now serving you and helping the problem?  Is there something you could think or feel that wouldn’t cause you to act from a negative space?

Different thoughts and feelings will always cause you to act differently.  Even in your situation.  Even when you can’t control other people.

If you can feel the truth in this but aren’t quite sure what a useful feeling might even be for you in your particular situation, feel free to sign up for a free mini-session and I’ll show you how.

The day my head DIDN’T explode!

One afternoon, my son and I got into a heated argument.  I can’t even remember now what it was about, yet this was a pivotal moment for me.  As he stomped off upstairs, I sat on the couch feeling so infuriated my head felt like it was going to explode.  And yet, as I saw his feet disappear at the top of the stairs I had this stark realization ~ my depth of anger for my son at that moment equaled the depth of my love for him.  All of the sudden the anger that had scared me just a moment before seemed OK.  In fact, I actually embraced it because in some weird way it also reflected the great love I had (and still have!) in my heart for him.

Oftentimes we mistakenly believe that happiness is the absence of negative emotion.  But that’s not really the case.  Happiness is actually the joy you feel as you’re working towards your potential.  And guess what?!  Working towards your potential *will* involve overcoming obstacles, which also means experiencing some undesirable emotion along the way.

Resisting negative emotion (a.k.a., pretending it’s not really there) doesn’t make it go away.  In fact, resisting emotion creates so many problems (i.e., feeling stuck, physical ailments) and it keeps us from experiencing what it is to truly be alive.

The next time you find yourself buffering from a negative emotion (i.e., distracting yourself with social media, food, exercise, etc.), try allowing yourself to feel that emotion instead.

Name the emotion.  Notice where you actually feel it in your body.  Allow it to be there (sometimes acknowledging out loud can help, “This is [regret].  I’m feeling [regret]”).  Get out some paper and write down everything in your head.  Don’t judge it, just allow it, and be curious.

Allowing yourself to feel the negative emotion, instead of resist it, will enable it to actually go away ~ which is very different than pretending it’s not really there.  It allows you to be a real human being living here on the earth where we’re supposed to experience the good and the bad.

There is no hope without disappointment.

There is no joy without sorrow.

There is no faith without doubt.

Thoughts on Feelings from a non-feeler ;)

I’m not an overtly emotional person, definitely not one to wear my emotions on my sleeve, and I’m really good at working hard and getting things done no matter what is going on.  BUT, this does not mean I don’t get angry when things go wrong, or feel sad when my loved ones are hurting, or get excited when someone I know has accomplished something amazing.  Just because you might not see it doesn’t mean I don’t feel joy and heartache and confusion.

But really ~ I don’t know that I so much “feel” joy and heartache and confusion, but rather think about them.  For some reason, I’ve spent most of my life avoiding feelings.  Honestly, feelings kind of scare me and, well, have always seemed a bit useless.  So, imagine my surprise when I read these words:  “How we feel determines what we do and what we don’t do.”  (Self Coaching 101 by Brooke Castillo, 71)  Since I was embarking on wanting to learn how to really feel something, I thought this might be worth checking out.

This is what I learned:  there’s a difference between feeling a feeling and acting out a feeling (and it turns out it’s the “acting out a feeling” that I’ve always avoided).  A feeling is just a vibration you feel in your body and you can feel it just sitting in a chair, or while you’re folding clothes, or when you’re driving down the road.

Even though I’m still very much a thinker, learning to notice and acknowledge my feelings ~ good and bad ~ is making for a much fuller life.  And what I’ve found is that feelings even play a role in my life whether I realize it or not (do you know how many times I’ve neglected reaching out to a stranger because I was afraid I would say the wrong thing?!?).

I can show you that a feeling is simply a vibration ~ and therefore, nothing to avoid.  If you’d like me to take you through an exercise ~ no strings attached ~ just email kelly@findpeaceinparenting.com and tell me you’re interested in the “Feeling” exercise (or put your email in a comment below and I’ll contact you!).