What Mattered Most… to me

The afternoon my son first told me he wasn’t going to serve a mission I definitely had lots of thoughts swirling around my head about his testimony, his eternal welfare, and what other choices this decision would lead to.  But honestly, what concerned me most was maintaining a close relationship with him.  I had heard about ~ and even seen with my own eyes ~ how some parents virtually disown their children for “straying off the path” and how some kids believe (whether it’s true or not) they can’t do anything right in their parent’s eyes and how that becomes a wedge between them.  I knew the former wouldn’t be an issue, but I was concerned about the latter.  And I was determined not to let it happen.

In the ensuing days, weeks, and months ~ with the goal of making my relationship with my son even better ~ I purposely spent time figuring out how to stay connected to him and then I acted.  I stayed interested in the things that mattered to him, made sure to be available as he came-and-went, took time to listen, supported him in his activities, and still taught him correct principles.

Of course, none of this was anything extraordinary, but concentrating on what I wanted (a close relationship with my son) rather than dwelling on the “could’ve, would’ve, should’ve’ s,” has made all the difference. And 4½ years later, we are closer and better connected than ever!

If you want to create the best relationship possible with your son ~ no matter what ~ SIGN UP NOW for a free mini-session.  It only takes 30 minutes ~ and if we’re not a right fit for each other you’ll still leave the mini-session with some good help to get you started.

Are you a worrywart?

On the first night of Stake YWs camp I found a little box on my bunk with ear plugs inside, along with a note telling me these were so the snoring of one of my fellow YW leaders wouldn’t keep me awake.  I laughed and didn’t think I would need them but kept them handy… just in case ;)

Indeed, I never did need to use those ear plugs.  I still have them in my bathroom drawer and when I see them it reminds me of my friend and her kind soul.  But those ear plugs also remind me not to spend too much time worrying ahead of time.

My friend spent a lot of time worrying she was going to keep the rest of us awake with her snoring.  She commented on it throughout the day, tried to stay awake until the rest of us were sleep, and even almost didn’t come sleep in our room because she was so concerned she would keep us from a good night’s sleep.  In the end, though, her snoring wasn’t a problem for anyone in the room.

Do you ever spend time “worrying ahead of time”?  Worrying about things that have yet to happen?  Worrying about things that “might” happen?  All this does is ensure you get to worry ~ even if the thing you’re worried about never even happens.

What would happen if you didn’t pre-worry?  How would your life be different?  What could you do with that time instead?

How full is your bucket?

Imagine you move to an alternate planet.  Upon arrival, you are given the responsibility of always ensuring everyone’s cup is full of water at the beginning of each day.  Without a full cup of water each day, your fellow plant-people will evaporate into the atmosphere.  You have a bucket to use to deliver the water to each cup, but if the water level of your bucket gets below 25% full, cement blocks encompass your feet and slow your progress to fulfill your stewardship.  How hard would you work to keep your bucket full knowing that the very existence of your fellow plant-people depends on your work?

Back to planet earth.

We are the mothers of wonderful teens to whom we’ve taught correct principles and now they’re governing themselves.  We want to show up for this next phase of parenting in the best way possible, but honestly, we’re exhausted.  Our buckets are bone dry.  BUT we want to begin re-filling our buckets, even if we’re not sure how.

Maybe you need to take a long bath.  Maybe you need an extra hour of sleep each night.  Maybe you need a haircut.  Maybe you want to get your creative juices flowing.  Maybe you want to put a puzzle together.  Maybe you want to catch up with an old friend.  Maybe you need to get outside and let the sun hit your face.  Maybe you want to dance to your favorite song.

While there’s not just one RIGHT way to fill your bucket, remember ~ once you really start taking care of yourself, you have so much more to give to those you love.  What would fill your bucket?

Thoughts on Feelings from a non-feeler ;)

I’m not an overtly emotional person, definitely not one to wear my emotions on my sleeve, and I’m really good at working hard and getting things done no matter what is going on.  BUT, this does not mean I don’t get angry when things go wrong, or feel sad when my loved ones are hurting, or get excited when someone I know has accomplished something amazing.  Just because you might not see it doesn’t mean I don’t feel joy and heartache and confusion.

But really ~ I don’t know that I so much “feel” joy and heartache and confusion, but rather think about them.  For some reason, I’ve spent most of my life avoiding feelings.  Honestly, feelings kind of scare me and, well, have always seemed a bit useless.  So, imagine my surprise when I read these words:  “How we feel determines what we do and what we don’t do.”  (Self Coaching 101 by Brooke Castillo, 71)  Since I was embarking on wanting to learn how to really feel something, I thought this might be worth checking out.

This is what I learned:  there’s a difference between feeling a feeling and acting out a feeling (and it turns out it’s the “acting out a feeling” that I’ve always avoided).  A feeling is just a vibration you feel in your body and you can feel it just sitting in a chair, or while you’re folding clothes, or when you’re driving down the road.

Even though I’m still very much a thinker, learning to notice and acknowledge my feelings ~ good and bad ~ is making for a much fuller life.  And what I’ve found is that feelings even play a role in my life whether I realize it or not (do you know how many times I’ve neglected reaching out to a stranger because I was afraid I would say the wrong thing?!?).

I can show you that a feeling is simply a vibration ~ and therefore, nothing to avoid.  If you’d like me to take you through an exercise ~ no strings attached ~ just email kelly@findpeaceinparenting.com and tell me you’re interested in the “Feeling” exercise (or put your email in a comment below and I’ll contact you!).

What if…

What if everything was exactly how it should be?

I heard this question today and it got me to wondering.  What if this is how it was supposed to be?  What if I believed that this isn’t all a big mistake? 

If I believed everything was exactly as it should be I would be looking for what *I* am supposed to learn from this experience (instead of trying to find ways to convince the other person of what he should be doing).

If I knew with certainty that this was just how it was supposed to be I would let go of some control and allow a little bit more flexibility in my plans and not be quite so adamant that my way is always the best way.

If I trusted this wasn’t really all a big mistake I would see the blessings of this experience, how I will be stronger because of it (rather than worn down by it), that it’s an opportunity to learn lessons I didn’t even know I needed to learn.

Wow ~ a question can really open up a whole new way of thinking about a problem.  What if your son not serving a mission was always the plan (His, not ours!)?  How would you show up differently?

Are you a “starter” or a “finisher”?

Generally people fall into one of these two categories:  starters or finishers.  Either you’re great at starting things but have a hard time seeing them all the way through to the end, or you tend to drag your feet getting started but once you do there’s no question that you will complete the task.  I am a finisher.

As each of my boys were born I had in mind the things I, as a mom, needed to teach them before they became full-fledged adults, things like:  how to talk with people, old or young; to serve those in need without expecting something in return; how to iron and clean bathrooms; and how to manage their money.  Also on the list was preparing them to serve LDS missions.

So, what happens when a “finisher” can’t finish the job?!?  Am I doomed to perpetually feeling “undone” since whether or not my son serves a mission is really out of my control?  Is it possible that this “finisher” can ever feel peace without everything packaged nicely and tied up with a pretty bow?

The ability to let go of the things you don't have control over (like the decisions other people get to make) is a gift you can give yourself.  It's not about white-knuckling your way with positive thinking; rather, it's about taking a step back and evaluating what it is you believe and finding out if it's really true.  Believing my son had to serve a mission in order for me to "finish" my mothering (before he became an adult) didn't serve me very well.  I came to understand that giving my best efforts is enough even if the results aren't what I had hoped for.  This allows me to love my son with my whole heart instead of feeling gypped because things didn't work out the way I always thought they would.

If you're not quite sure how to bring peace into your own life, the first step is to take a moment to find out what you believe about your situation, and then ask yourself, "Is this really true?"  Then think about how you react when you believe that.  Who would you be with that thought or belief?  Once you've pondered these questions, your mind will be open to some other possibilities.  Take some time to consider them.

There really can be peace ~ even for finishers ~ when life doesn’t continue unfolding the way you had planned.  Truly, there is.  

“Good” is enough

Do you ever find yourself accepting the faults and weaknesses of others as human but can only expect perfection from yourself?  That was me for so many years (and, to be honest, I find myself back there occasionally) until one day…

I was studying the “creation” in Genesis, and I began noticing that God called everything from the dry land and seas to man, “good” (see Genesis 1:10, 12, 18, 21, 25, 31).  I suddenly became curious:  Why didn’t God call His creations “marvelous,” “beautiful” or even “perfect”?  After all, these are His creations; doesn’t that mean they should be better than “good”?  This was actually blowing my mind a little.

As I continued to study, I turned to my Webster’s 1828 dictionary (my favorite when looking up words in scripture) and found this definition for “good”:  sufficiently perfect.  What?!

I actually felt a burden lifted off my back and shoulders.  If “sufficiently perfect” was good enough for God then surely it was good enough for me.  I mean, who am I to argue with Him?!

Parenting is a tough job.  We have successes; we have failures.  But what really matters the most is our efforts ~ and even in this realm “sufficiently perfect” truly is good enough.

The good, the bad, and the ugly

This morning I read something interesting.  A grandchild asked, “Grandma, you’ve lived more than 80 years now.  What changes have you noticed?”  The Grandma’s reply, “People never said, ‘Have a nice day’ until the 1970’s.  We didn’t expect to have a nice day.  We knew it would be hard.  Our life was hard.  Our friends’ lives were hard.  It had always been hard for us, and we figured it would always be hard.  But we were all in it together, and so it was all right.  Then in the ‘70’s everyone started saying, ‘Have a nice day.’  And then people felt gypped if they weren’t having a ‘nice day’ kind of life.” (Divine Signatures, Gerald N. Lund, 79-80)

I’ve often taught my boys that life will be full of the good, the bad, and the ugly ~ and that they could probably expect it in those proportions.  Yet somehow I still often find myself disappointed or disillusioned by that reality, believing that something is wrong when things aren’t mostly “good.”  I can’t get these Grandma’s words out of my head; I think I just had a huge paradigm shift.

Life is ugly sometimes.  Life can be bad.  But life is also good.  We’ve got to learn how to handle the things we don’t particularly like but fall into our laps anyway.  You’re not alone if having a “‘nice day’ kind of life” isn’t your normal.  But, remember, we are all in this together.

Shower Epiphany

My husband sometimes tells me my showers are too long and too hot.  He’s right.  But a lot of my most powerful pondering happens when I’m showering (maybe because I’m quiet?) and I tell him my shower epiphanies are worth a slightly higher water bill ;)

Today’s shower epiphany almost knocked me over (and not just because showers can be slippery!).  It’s been four years since my son told me he wasn’t going to serve a mission and that he had questions about the church and his testimony.  Since that time his younger brother has followed the same path.

I have spent the last four years trying to figure out how to make this situation better, how to really turn it over to the Lord.  This morning, in the shower, it dawned on me that my big road block in knowing my part in all of this is a lack of believing that I really could have done everything in my power to do and it could still turn out this way; a lack of willingness to really let go of my own plans and expectations; essentially, a lack of really trusting the Lord.

Where do our beliefs come from?  The things we think over and over.  What do you believe about your own situation?

The power I gave the white car

“Things” don’t usually affect me too much (I’m more of a quality-time and words-of-affirmation kind of gal!), so imagine my surprise when I found my stomach getting tied up in knots every time I can home and saw this white car in front of our home.  This piece of metal seemed to keep conjuring up reminders that life is not fair, that we had been figuratively slapped in the face, and that my heart had been crushed.  I told my husband we needed to sell it because it kept making me feel bad.

As those words came out of my mouth I suddenly realized the power I had handed over TO A CAR.  What?!

Like most people, I don’t like to be controlled.  As soon as I realized I was letting a car determine how I felt every time I returned home, I knew something had to change ~ I had to change ~ I wanted to change.  And I didn’t want to get rid of the white car until the change took place.

The change wasn’t instantaneous but it did happen, with some practice, and within a month we signed the title of the white car over to its new owner.

What is a “mini-session”?

If you’re a Mormon mom whose son didn’t serve the mission you thought he would…

If you’d like to replace doubt and discouragement with faith and confidence…

If my Find Peace in Parenting blogs have resonated with you…

Then it’s time to schedule a mini-session to see if my coaching program is right for you!

During the mini-session I will coach you a little bit ~ which can be a valuable experience, especially if you’ve never been coached before ~ and then I’ll tell you the specifics of my coaching.  If you’re not interested ~ no worries ~ but you’ll still leave the mini-session with some empowering insights.

The actual mini-session will only take 20-30 minutes, happens via ZOOM (computer or phone ~ you choose), and is absolutely FREE.

So, what have you got to lose?  Only 30 minutes of your time if it turns out this isn’t right for you.  But, what could you gain?  A better relationship with your son who didn’t serve the mission you planned he would PLUS more confidence as an LDS woman.  SIGN UP NOW for YOUR mini-session.

What are you waiting for?!?  SCHEDULE YOUR MINI-SESSION NOW!

Not every YM should serve a mission

“Not every YM should serve a mission.”  Does that sound like heresy?  Am I just a disgruntled Latter-Day Saint mom who is lashing out against the Church?

Rest assured ~ I am a fully committed member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints who whole-heartedly sustains the Prophet, serves diligently in my callings, and supports the many missionaries I know who are currently serving missions throughout the world.

Also know ~ I don’t dispute that President Spencer W. Kimball said, “Every worthy young man should fill a mission,” nor that every prophet since then has given the same counsel.

Yet, even though I have a testimony deeply rooted in my Savior, Jesus Christ, and I, without doubt, love and support the prophets of the restored Church, and I consecrate my time and talents to building up His kingdom ~ I also firmly believe not every young man should serve a mission.  Maybe it’s health reasons or anxiety or a lack of testimony that keeps some young men from serving missions.  Whatever the reason, this one-size-fits-all belief sends so many wonderful Latter-Day Saint moms down the path of doubt, disappointment, and despair. 

How do you show up ~ as a mom and as a daughter of God ~ when you’re coming from a place of fear?  How does it serve you to believe that every young man should serve a mission?  How does agency fit into all of this?

There are lots of “should’ s” in our Church (we should go to our meetings, we should do our visiting teaching, we should pay tithing).  None of us do them all perfectly, yet we sure beat ourselves up over this one when it doesn’t happen.

It doesn’t have to be this way.  You can have a better relationship with your son, even better than if he had served a mission.  You can have confidence in yourself as a Latter-Day Saint mom, even though your son isn’t serving.  You can show up in your LDS life from a place of faith, even if he’s not making the choices you thought he would.

“Not every YM should serve a mission.”  If you want to know how I can believe that and still be a strong, active member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I can show you how.  Email me at kelly@findpeaceinparenting.com.

Where’s your mask?

You’ve probably heard it lots of times, especially if you’ve ever flown on an airplane:  “In the case of a loss of cabin pressure, an oxygen mask will automatically appear in front of you….  If you are traveling with a child or someone who requires assistance, secure your mask first and then assist the other person…”

This advice seemed like common sense every time I heard it until… the first time I flew with my first baby.  Even when the flight attendant came and looked me in the eye to reiterate “put your mask on first, then help your child” I told her yes but, to be honest, I thought she was crazy.  How could I not put my precious baby first?

As ridiculous as it sounds, it took me a long time to realize that if I passed out I couldn’t do anything for my child.  The flight attendant was right ~ my mask had to come first.

It took me probably another decade to realize the principle here had far greater application than just in an airplane emergency.

As moms (especially Latter-Day Saint moms) we give so much of ourselves to our kids, making lots of sacrifices along the way, ensuring everyone and everything is taken care of ~ except for us.  I always believed there would be time for that “later” ~ you know, when the kids are older and don’t need so much from me.  Little did I understand the stresses of parenting older teens and young adult children.  The mental and emotional angst can be just as demanding (or more) as raising young children, especially when our children aren’t following the path we always planned they would.

Where’s your oxygen mask?

Beyond the headline, Part 2

When people find out I’m a life coach and that I specifically work with Latter-Day Saint moms whose son didn’t serve a mission, they wonder “Why?”

Here’s my why:  During my Life Coach School training we are directed to choose a very specific niche.  As I contemplated the possibilities my heart and mind reflected back to the loneliness, discouragement, and uncertainty I felt when my son told us he wasn’t going to serve the mission we always imagined he would.  I waded through those feelings alone, and while I eventually got to a good place inside my head, and knew the relationship between me and my son would be fine, getting to a place of confidence when talking to fellow church members about it took longer.  As I was trained in the life coach tools I now use, I knew these were the people I wanted to help and that these tools could be beneficial to so many.

Yet, I also understand the culture of the church.  I understand that even in an environment where we teach that agency is part ~ an integral part ~ of Heavenly Father’s plan, fear rises amongst the group quickly when someone, especially a youth, deviates from what we’ve spent years teaching them and planning for them to do.  So even though I knew I couldn’t possibly be the only Latter-Day Saint mom in this situation, I felt very alone.

You are not alone.  And more importantly, you can be more connected to your son, closer to him than if he did serve a mission, AND you can feel more confident as a Latter-Day Saint mom whose son is not serving a mission ~ at church, with your Latter-Day Saint friends, everywhere.

If you’d like to consider giving yourself these gifts, or if you simply need to unload where you’re at with all of this right now, email me at kelly@findpeaceinparenting.com ~ I understand at least part of what you’re going through, and I’d love to chat with you!

Beyond the headline, Part 1

In this day-and-age, where there’s an abundance of information and a seemingly shortage on attention spans, the advice seems to be “shorter is better.”  But just for today, just for this blog, I’m going to throw caution to the wind so I can tell you about my story (Part 2 ~ my next blog ~ will be why I work with Latter-Day Saint women whose sons didn’t serve a mission; be sure to check it out tomorrow!)

My husband and I were foster parents for a while.  As that adventure came to an end I knew I still wanted to add value to the world, to do something meaningful, something that would truly make a difference.  I felt “the call” to become a life coach so I did my research, decided which path to take, and signed up for The Life Coach School training.

There was a few months between the time I signed up and the actual training.  I had planned to use that time to prepare (there were books to read, podcasts to listen to, etc.) but life got in the way and I arrived in California feeling behind but I also arrived with a surety that I was embarking on a life-changing endeavor.  Of course, I thought the lives that would be changed were those of my future clients.  Little did I know what awaited me.

Throughout our intensive, 6-day training we were taught the tools of our trade and also spent a lot of time coaching others and being coached.  One of the foundational parts, what The Life Coach School teaches, is the importance of becoming aware of what it is we’re thinking.  This might seem a little strange.  It did to me at first.  Especially as someone who is much more of a thinker than a feeler, I thought I had a pretty good grasp of what was going on in my head.  But it turns out there was a lot more going on up there than I realized.

Over the next few days I began to notice a pattern in my unconscious thoughts, and on the final day it culminated into this realization ~ I truly believed that I was never enough.  I wasn’t enough as a wife, a mother, a daughter, or a sister.  I wasn’t enough as a mother-in-law, friend, or neighbor.  I wasn’t enough in my church calling or in the roles I played or positions I held in the community.  I truly believed (albeit, unconsciously) that I was never enough.

Tears welled up in my eyes as I let this sink in, this belief I had carried with me for so long, that no matter how hard I tried, my best would never be enough.  And this belief wasn’t coming from someone else, it was all me.  Sure, other people may think it about me ~ that’s really neither here nor there.  But the fact that I thought it about myself ~ that’s where the pain came from.

Up to this point I may not have recognized this firmly entrenched belief I carried with me but now I was aware, and now I had a choice to make:  keep believing it, or not.  I chose not.

Instead, I now know that I am enough.  It took me a while to get there, to really believe it, but I do and my life is so different now because I show up differently in all my relationships, in all my responsibilities, in all my interactions.

This is why I do what I do, why I became a life coach ~ to help other people become aware of thoughts and beliefs that are holding them back from living the life they really want to live, no matter their situation.  This new way of thinking and showing up in the world is a gift I gave myself and I plan to spread it far and wide for many, many years!

The difference ONE word can make

Just the other day I was talking with a young mother.  She was exhausted with all the things that come with taking care of a baby.  She asked me to reassure her it gets better, easier.  My reply, “We usually don’t like to burst the bubble of younger moms, but I’ll tell you this:  the physical exhaustion doesn’t last forever but it does get replaced with emotional exhaustion.”  At least that’s been my experience.

Those of us in the midst of parenting teenagers and young adults know all about the hardness of our charge to do all we can to teach them correct principles, and then hope and pray they use everything we’ve taught them to live a good life, contribute to their world, and continually strengthen their testimonies.  It’s hard to teach them everything we want them to know.  It’s hard to do this day in and day out, especially when there’s pushback.  It’s hard to know when to step aside and let them truly use their agency.

Yes, all of these things are hard but… what if we changed “hard” to “important”?  It’s important to teach them everything we want them to know.  It’s important to do this day in and day out, especially when there’s pushback.  It’s important to know when to step aside and let them truly use their agency.

That paradigm-shift changes how I show up as a parent.  How about you?  What one word would make a difference in your parenting?

What would you do differently if…

What would I do differently if I knew nobody would judge me?  An interesting question.  A question I pondered for a while before I was ready to be honest with myself.

It seemed my mind first had to go to all the judgment (whether perceived or real) that I felt heaped upon me because my son wasn’t serving a mission:  I did something wrong, that this was really my failure; my son was bad and hopefully it wouldn’t rub off on anyone else; he must not believe in God; I must not have been diligent enough with family home evening and family scriptures.  I could go on, but I’m sure you get the idea (and can even insert judgments you feel are cast your way ~ perceived or real ~ to round out the list).

These judgments made me show up apologetically and as though I was inferior to others.  It was exhausting ~ and that’s when this question began to intrigue me:  What would I do differently if I knew nobody would judge me?

My answer:  love my son unconditionally, keep being a fully-engaged mom, and stop apologizing.  But mostly I would just love him.

What would YOU do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?

Comment below ~ I'd love to know!

“Thou Shalt Not Covet”

The final commandment found in Exodus says, “Thou shalt not covet.”  The scriptures teach us to not covet our neighbor’s home, spouse, servants, animals, or anything “that is thy neighbour’s” (see Exodus 20:17).  Modern-day church leaders have counseled us against coveting our neighbor’s car, profession, status, etc.  This commandment has never been too hard for me to keep until… my son’s friends started giving their missionary farewell talks at church.  That’s when I found myself sitting in sacrament meetings, coveting the “missionary mom” experience I was missing out on.

I wished my son had gathered all of those who know and love him to reveal where in the world he was headed to serve the Lord on a full-time mission.  I wished my son had spent extra time in the scriptures and in the temple, preparing himself spiritually to go preach the gospel.  I wished I could be listening to my son teach from the pulpit with wisdom beyond his years.  Don’t get me wrong; I was happy for my friends whose sons were serving missions, grateful even.  But those sacrament meetings usually led me to spend a lot of time over the next few days (and sometimes longer) wishing I could have that experience with my son, too, and believing that I had somehow messed up and that’s why it wasn’t happening.

Fast forward a couple years, and not too long ago we had three missionary farewells in one day ~ all friends of my two sons not serving missions (yep ~ I now have two sons not serving missions).  There was a time when I would’ve found an excuse to not attend because it would’ve hurt too much.  Instead, I eagerly anticipated the day and even talked my youngest son (not serving) into going with me ~ not with hopes that it would change his mind, but rather so he could celebrate this time with his friends and see them one more time before they left.

What changed in me so that I no longer coveted the missionary experiences I always planned to have?  How did I get to the place in my heart where I can truly rejoice with my friends who do get this missionary experience?  I have learned that while there are certainly things out of my control, only I get to choose whether or not I’m going to stay sad or bitter or covetous.  If you’re ready to let go of the disappointment and despair ~ I mean really let go of it ~ I can show you how (and I promise it’s not about white-knuckling your way to it or pretending on the outside).  Schedule a FREE mini-session now and we can see if my coaching program is a good fit for you!

What exactly is love?

When we hear the word LOVE we often envision hearts and warm embraces, but we know it’s so much more than that.  As moms, love can look like cleaning up vomit; playing Pokémon because your child loves it; or, even saying “no,” knowing your son will be upset but doing it anyway because the Spirit said that was the right answer for this situation.  When you love someone, what exactly does that mean to you?

Does it mean candy on Christmas morning?

Does it mean you know what’s best for them?

Does it mean hugs and kisses?

Does it mean you give them whatever they want?

Does it mean your relationship with that person should be full of rainbows and daisies?

Does it mean they should see things like you do?  Or perhaps, you should agree with them?

Does it mean you can read each other’s minds?

Does it mean monthly mother/son dates?

Does it mean there’s room for forgiveness?

Does it mean, in the end, you’ll both be OK?

Sometimes loving relationships can be complicated.  When you love someone, what exactly does that mean to you?  If this question brings up mixed emotions for you since you found out your son isn’t going to serve a mission (whether you found out yesterday or years ago), contact me now at kelly@findpeaceinparenting.com.  We’ll set up a free mini-session where I can help you begin to sort through your emotions so you can have peace.

Whatcha think?

As people at church and in our social circles began to find out my son wasn’t going to serve a mission, I soon realized that after my conversations with others about it was over, I continued the dialogue in my own head and it was usually something like this:  “Yep, and I’m the Mormon mom that didn’t quite make it; you might want to keep your distance just in case my failures rub off on you.”  Of course, the more I told myself this, the more real it seemed to me:  I really was a failure as a Mormon mom.

Or was I???

In a previous blog I wrote about how just because other people may say something doesn’t mean it’s true.  Guess what?!  The same principle applies here:  just because I kept telling myself I had failed at being a Mormon mom didn’t make it true.

When I came to this realization it suddenly struck me:  if I was going to determine my success or failure as a Mormon mom solely on the choices of my children, which choice was I to use?  The time a son walked out of an inappropriate movie, leaving all his Mormon friends inside the theater to keep watching?  Or how about the time my son, serving as a Deacon’s quorum president, coordinated the efforts of three deacon’s quorums (from two different wards) to pass the sacrament to two wards (plus visiting Stake leaders) simultaneously, in a reverent and efficient manner?  Or was it really my son’s choice to not serve a mission that summed up my 20-year efforts as a Mormon mom?

To be sure, the world is full of many people that are willing to decide whether or not we’ve succeeded or failed.  But the loudest voice, and the one we hear the most, is what we tell ourselves.  What one thing do you constantly tell yourself?  Is it serving you?