How to make the best of an awful situation

Several times in the last few weeks friends have told me, “Wow, your perspective on that situation is incredible,” or they’ve asked, “How can you be so positive in such an awful situation?”  Sometimes I’m surprised because I don’t necessarily realize (until it’s pointed out to me) that I’m not making my experience harder by constantly believing my situation is beyond hope or by thinking I’m obviously doing something wrong otherwise this [horrible situation] wouldn’t be happening.

Sometimes I wonder if my friends just think there’s something special about me and that’s why I can handle difficult experiences from a good place.  Let me set the record straight ~ there’s nothing special about me.  I don’t say that to put myself down.  I say it because if this former perfectionist, people-pleasing, take-responsibility-for-everything-and-everyone woman (me!) can persevere through hard times with peace instead of continual angst, I guarantee anyone can do it.

As I have pondered why I can feel peace when turmoil abounds, I’ve noticed that my shift in perspective (which totally changes my own experience) includes these three ideas:  choice, opportunity, and becoming.

Choice.  When our teenage son abruptly left home one day because “anywhere has to be better than here,” my first instinct was to think I either had to be devastated by this or simply not care.  Neither one of these felt good because, for me, feeling devastated is exhausting, yet not fruitful.  Unlike the exhaustion that comes from hard, productive work (which I love), devastation still leaves me out of control, sad, and not helping myself or the situation.  And no matter how ridiculous I thought my son was being, I couldn’t pretend (and didn’t even want to pretend) that I didn’t care because it’s simply not true.

It’s easy to get stuck in all-or-nothing thinking, in believing there’s only two choices, but oftentimes there are multiple options.  Instead of feeling devastated or not caring, I chose to feel love ~ love for myself and love for my son (even though I don’t always think he deserves it).  While this hasn’t made the situation wonderful and glorious, choosing love has helped me concentrate on the things I can do rather than dwell on the parts out of my control.

Opportunity.  Another key to my more positive outlook on situations beyond my control is to see each experience as an opportunity instead of a tragedy.  And I don’t just mean an opportunity for my son to learn life lessons the hard way.  Rather, I see it as an opportunity for me to honor the gift of agency even when I disagree with how it’s being used, an opportunity for me to learn the difference between unconditional love and condoning, and an opportunity for me to trust my Heavenly Father even when I can’t see how this could possibly ever turn out OK.

It’s true that while I would never have purposely chosen to have a son of mine just up and leave home, seeing this as an opportunity to learn more about myself and things I’ve known and taught for years (agency, unconditional love, trust in Heavenly Father) has given purpose and meaning to what could have otherwise only been a disaster.

Becoming.  The third thing that has helped change my perspective when undesirable experiences are thrust upon me is the idea of “becoming.”  Sometimes in my black-and-white thinking I automatically go to “This is how it’s all going to end.  My son will always make choices we don’t agree with and he’ll always see us as the enemy.”  But what if that just isn’t true?  As much as I like to believe I have a crystal ball, I don’t.  But this I do know:  I am who I am because of the hard things I’ve endured (including the hard things I’ve brought upon myself) and I’m a work in progress.  I’m OK with my own “becoming” and it’s fine for me to be OK with my son’s “becoming.”

Life is rarely a bed of roses for anyone, but your perspective can make all the difference for you, even in situations beyond your control.

Why?

One evening, as my husband and I went on a walk, we passed by the home of some friends of ours, Mormon friends, friends whose children were doing all the things we’d taught our own children to do.  My husband asked the question, “Why can’t we just make our kids do the right thing?”

Of course, we talked about how we don’t know this family’s struggles and challenges (because every family has them); and, we talked about agency; and, I even asked my husband, “Have you met our kids?  I don’t think force would work. J”

Yet, the question still remains:  “Why do some families have it easy when it comes to testimonies and missions, and other families don’t?”

Is it because God doesn’t care as much about our family?

It is because we have failed in our parenting?

Is it because we somehow missed the secret ingredient to make this all work?

Questions are so powerful and really direct our mind.  And while these questions might be natural when we find ourselves with children who are walking away from the religious foundation we've spent so many years trying to give them, these questions also help us stay stuck ~ stuck in fear, stuck in doubt.

What if, instead, you asked yourself...

How is having this problem useful to me?

What is the solution that most feels like love?

If I were presenting this problem as good news, how would I describe it?


I’d love to hear your answers to any of these questions (comment below or email me at kelly@findpeaceinparenting.com).

Beyond the headline, Part 2

When people find out I’m a life coach and that I specifically work with Latter-Day Saint moms whose son didn’t serve a mission, they wonder “Why?”

Here’s my why:  During my Life Coach School training we are directed to choose a very specific niche.  As I contemplated the possibilities my heart and mind reflected back to the loneliness, discouragement, and uncertainty I felt when my son told us he wasn’t going to serve the mission we always imagined he would.  I waded through those feelings alone, and while I eventually got to a good place inside my head, and knew the relationship between me and my son would be fine, getting to a place of confidence when talking to fellow church members about it took longer.  As I was trained in the life coach tools I now use, I knew these were the people I wanted to help and that these tools could be beneficial to so many.

Yet, I also understand the culture of the church.  I understand that even in an environment where we teach that agency is part ~ an integral part ~ of Heavenly Father’s plan, fear rises amongst the group quickly when someone, especially a youth, deviates from what we’ve spent years teaching them and planning for them to do.  So even though I knew I couldn’t possibly be the only Latter-Day Saint mom in this situation, I felt very alone.

You are not alone.  And more importantly, you can be more connected to your son, closer to him than if he did serve a mission, AND you can feel more confident as a Latter-Day Saint mom whose son is not serving a mission ~ at church, with your Latter-Day Saint friends, everywhere.

If you’d like to consider giving yourself these gifts, or if you simply need to unload where you’re at with all of this right now, email me at kelly@findpeaceinparenting.com ~ I understand at least part of what you’re going through, and I’d love to chat with you!

Agency is for the birds… or is it?

As a life-long Mormon, the whole idea of agency has always been a part of my understanding.  I learned about it in classes at church, through my own studies, and it’s actually one of the principles of the Gospel I love teaching the most.  I truly believe it’s God’s way.  Or, at least I did…

When my son told me he wasn’t going to serve a mission for the Church, my total belief in agency wasn’t so rock-solid anymore.  I mean, didn’t it just apply to those making “good” choices (you know, the choices I would make)?  Should teenagers really get to make these kinds of decisions for themselves?  Just this once ~ can’t I make him understand that my way (or, um, I mean God’s way!) is best?

It took me a while to realize that even though it meant things probably wouldn’t go the way I had planned, the way I had envisioned them, if freedom to choose was really God’s way I would fully embrace it, too, and not just for myself but even for my son (and others!).

If you find yourself questioning whether or not agency really is all it’s cracked up to be, especially since realizing your son is not going to serve a mission, you’re not alone.  And, better yet, you don’t have to navigate all of your conflicting thoughts and feelings alone.  You can find some peace even though you wish your son would change his mind and serve a mission.  I would be honored to help you find that peace.  If you’d like to chat about it, send me an email at kelly@findpeaceinparenting.com; I’d love to hear from you!