The Uncharted Trail

Sometimes my husband and I like to go hiking.  When we don’t have an entire day to devote to playing, but still want to get out in nature, we have our go-to canyon that’s fairly close to home, includes a moderate hike, and has beautiful views.  We’ve hiked in this canyon multiple times, usually making our way to the top of the rim, enjoying the view, and then going back down the same way we went up.

Recently, however, we decided to go down a different way so we could see some other sites in this gorgeous canyon.  We had forgotten to grab a map but figured we could find our way ~ or else we would just turn around and go back the way we’d come… if we needed to.

Our hike up to the canyon rim was nice and familiar.  After making our way to the top and taking some time to enjoy the view and eat breakfast, it was time to keep going.  The canyon rim was longer than we expected.  As we continued to walk, with the temperatures rising, we began to wonder when we would find the path that would take us back down into some shade.

When we stumbled upon a rattlesnake we almost turned around, but decided to keep going on the path that was new to us.

After passing various clumps of trees, each time sure we were to see the path that would take us down into the canyon, only to find more boulders and trees, we asked a fellow hiker (who was heading in the opposite direction) how far we had to go before the descent began.  We were closer than we thought!

As we made our way back down into the canyon we got to see some new sites, like an old, crumbling dam and a glittering waterfall.  There were sporadic signs to point the way, but we also came upon forks in the path; sometimes we chose the right way and sometimes we had to turn around and take the other path.  We enjoyed the new experience, but there were also times we wondered when it would end (especially when we ran out of water!).  But by the time we got back to our car we were grateful for the new things we saw and the lessons we learned along the way.

Hiking on this new (to us) trail, when we weren’t quite prepared and we didn’t quite know where we were going, reminded me of the unchartered trail we sometimes get to travel as moms.

I had some definite expectations as my boys moved into their young adult lives.  I had a map that showed the course they were “supposed” to take.  As some of them choose a different way I sometimes feel lost and alone, sometimes I’m scared of the dangers that are out there, and sometimes I get tired of the new terrain.

However, staying stuck and afraid and exhausted isn’t the only option as you travel down this road you’d rather not be on.  Sure, there are probably dangers along the way, but you can navigate your way safely around them.  It’s also important to remember that even when you’re in new territory and unsure of exactly where you’re headed, there *are* fellow travelers that can guide you.  And whether you see this as an opportunity or an unbearable burden will make all of the difference ~ for you.

What would happen if you embraced this new opportunity to learn the value of agency and to learn how to love unconditionally?  Wishing you weren’t on this path won’t make it go away.  So, since you’re here anyway, why not make the best of it? 

Learning to find peace in a situation you can’t change is a valuable skill to have.  There’s no better time to do it than now.  Peace *can* be yours.

If you’d like to chat with someone who’s learned to find peace in her parenting, I’m just an email way (kelly@findpeaceinparenting.com).  You don’t have to traverse this uncharted trail all alone.  I’ve done it alone and I’ve done it with support.  With support is so much better.

Not every YM should serve a mission

“Not every YM should serve a mission.”  Does that sound like heresy?  Am I just a disgruntled Latter-Day Saint mom who is lashing out against the Church?

Rest assured ~ I am a fully committed member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints who whole-heartedly sustains the Prophet, serves diligently in my callings, and supports the many missionaries I know who are currently serving missions throughout the world.

Also know ~ I don’t dispute that President Spencer W. Kimball said, “Every worthy young man should fill a mission,” nor that every prophet since then has given the same counsel.

Yet, even though I have a testimony deeply rooted in my Savior, Jesus Christ, and I, without doubt, love and support the prophets of the restored Church, and I consecrate my time and talents to building up His kingdom ~ I also firmly believe not every young man should serve a mission.  Maybe it’s health reasons or anxiety or a lack of testimony that keeps some young men from serving missions.  Whatever the reason, this one-size-fits-all belief sends so many wonderful Latter-Day Saint moms down the path of doubt, disappointment, and despair. 

How do you show up ~ as a mom and as a daughter of God ~ when you’re coming from a place of fear?  How does it serve you to believe that every young man should serve a mission?  How does agency fit into all of this?

There are lots of “should’ s” in our Church (we should go to our meetings, we should do our visiting teaching, we should pay tithing).  None of us do them all perfectly, yet we sure beat ourselves up over this one when it doesn’t happen.

It doesn’t have to be this way.  You can have a better relationship with your son, even better than if he had served a mission.  You can have confidence in yourself as a Latter-Day Saint mom, even though your son isn’t serving.  You can show up in your LDS life from a place of faith, even if he’s not making the choices you thought he would.

“Not every YM should serve a mission.”  If you want to know how I can believe that and still be a strong, active member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I can show you how.  Email me at kelly@findpeaceinparenting.com.

My Deepest Fear

When my son, Jason, told me he wouldn’t be serving a mission, I knew this probably meant he would also go through at least a period of inactivity in the church.  This seemed a reasonable assumption, but then… my mind went a little crazy and I began worrying that my son would also give up all the goodness we had taught him.  Even though logically I know there are many wonderful people in the world that are not LDS (and I have many non-LDS friends whom I love and respect and cherish), somehow my heart took this giant leap:  no mission = giving up all goodness.

I was able to keep my mind and emotions mostly in check about all of this, but deep down I still worried about the goodness seeping out of him until all that was left was a hollow shell of a young man.  This worry plagued me until one day my phone rang; it was Jason calling to tell me he had just volunteered to sing at a funeral of a co-worker (in a quartet, nonetheless!).

Now, this might not seem like much but Jason would barely sing congregational hymns and probably hasn’t even sung in any kind of group since graduating from Primary.  Yet here he was telling me he volunteered to sing in a small group at a funeral.  I was intrigued.  As he told me about the sudden passing of this co-worker and how people were reluctant to help with the funeral, he felt that every life deserved to be honored in some way because each life is precious.  So, when he was asked to sing “Amazing Grace” he said yes ~ to honor a fellow human being whose life had ended.

I hung up the phone and have no longer worried that because he didn’t serve a mission Jason will give up all the good he’s been taught.  He may not attend church but his foundation is solid, his heart has actually grown bigger, and I am at peace that this is his journey to navigate.

What’s your deepest fear about your son not serving a mission?