Improve your relationship with your son TODAY

It was two weeks before Christmas when my son decided to walk out of our front door with no intention of returning.  I knew I had every reason in the world to be hurt, angry, disappointed, shocked, sad, and frustrated ~ and I was.  I even felt gypped.  And, I’m not going to lie, I spent a lot of time feeling all of these emotions until I realized how exhausted I was, even how bitter I was becoming, and how out of control I felt.

Yuck!  Yuck!  Yuck!

Even though the situation was out of my control, I realized I had also handed control of my own well-being over to someone who I believed wasn’t making very good choices.  That was when I knew there had to be a better way for me to show up in this situation.

Yes, this whole situation wasn’t fair, but being enraged with my son only made me feel angry and feeling resentment only made me bitter.  So I decided to figure out how I wanted to feel, what kind of mom I wanted to be, even in this awful situation. 

I decided I wanted to feel love.

Since I know thoughts and feelings are connected, I knew I’d have to stop telling myself he was a selfish brat.  Whether or not it was true (and I certainly had a lot of evidence that it was), thinking about him this way only made me frustrated.  And I wanted to feel love.  So I decided to think this instead:  This is his journey and I can love him and pray for him.

What a difference that thought was for me!  It did help me feel love and compassion, which allowed me to (mostly) behave in a way I wouldn’t have to cringe about later.

How do you want to feel about your own son?  What would you have to believe to feel that way?

Figuring this out for yourself will immediately change your relationship with your son even if nothing about him or the situation changes.  I’m living proof it is true.

If you’re ready to take your control back but aren’t quite sure how to really take that first step, I’m here to help you.  Simply sign up for a free mini-session and I’ll show you how you can start to make it happen in your own situation.

Lessons from my old high school track

My husband and I recently went “home” to visit my parents.  One morning we woke up and went into town to run/walk around the high school track so we could get our 2-3 miles in for the day.  As I started my second or third lap I found myself smiling as I remembered telling myself, almost 30 years ago, that I would *never* run again.

You see, I’m not a runner, but when I was on the high school track team (I threw the discus) my coach asked me to “run the 2-mile” whenever there were so few girls in the race that all I had to do was finish and we would get team points.  I did it ~ for the team ~ but hated every step, and so when I approached the final finish line of my last 2-mile race I promised myself I would never run again unless it was to save the life of a child!  And I meant it.

Fast-forward 20-some years and I actually paid money to run in a 5K race (but that's a story for another time); and since that experience I actually enjoy jogging with some real running sprinkled in sometimes ;).  And that’s why I found myself smiling as I realized I was running ~ because I chose to ~ around the same track where I had declared, at the age of 17, I would never run again.

As our teenage sons struggle with their testimonies or blatantly make choices contrary to what we’ve taught them, it’s easy for us to believe they will never change their minds, never remember all the things they know, never find their way back to the Gospel again.

But, do you still firmly believe everything you were most adamant about when you were a teenager?  Or even a young adult?

I don’t.  And that made my run around my old high school track even sweeter.

My son may be on a different path than I imagined he would be, but I can still love him through the ups-and-downs of his journey because I know he won’t always see things the way he does right now.  Being the mom, even through challenging times, is so much better from a place of love rather than from constant worry.

If you would like to learn how to love more and worry less, email me at kelly@findpeaceinparenting.com OR set up a free mini-session now.  My Find Peace in Parenting coaching has already helped LDS moms with wayward teenage sons.  During your mini-session we’ll see if my coaching would be a good fit for you, too!

What would you do differently if…

What would I do differently if I knew nobody would judge me?  An interesting question.  A question I pondered for a while before I was ready to be honest with myself.

It seemed my mind first had to go to all the judgment (whether perceived or real) that I felt heaped upon me because my son wasn’t serving a mission:  I did something wrong, that this was really my failure; my son was bad and hopefully it wouldn’t rub off on anyone else; he must not believe in God; I must not have been diligent enough with family home evening and family scriptures.  I could go on, but I’m sure you get the idea (and can even insert judgments you feel are cast your way ~ perceived or real ~ to round out the list).

These judgments made me show up apologetically and as though I was inferior to others.  It was exhausting ~ and that’s when this question began to intrigue me:  What would I do differently if I knew nobody would judge me?

My answer:  love my son unconditionally, keep being a fully-engaged mom, and stop apologizing.  But mostly I would just love him.

What would YOU do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?

Comment below ~ I'd love to know!

What exactly is love?

When we hear the word LOVE we often envision hearts and warm embraces, but we know it’s so much more than that.  As moms, love can look like cleaning up vomit; playing Pokémon because your child loves it; or, even saying “no,” knowing your son will be upset but doing it anyway because the Spirit said that was the right answer for this situation.  When you love someone, what exactly does that mean to you?

Does it mean candy on Christmas morning?

Does it mean you know what’s best for them?

Does it mean hugs and kisses?

Does it mean you give them whatever they want?

Does it mean your relationship with that person should be full of rainbows and daisies?

Does it mean they should see things like you do?  Or perhaps, you should agree with them?

Does it mean you can read each other’s minds?

Does it mean monthly mother/son dates?

Does it mean there’s room for forgiveness?

Does it mean, in the end, you’ll both be OK?

Sometimes loving relationships can be complicated.  When you love someone, what exactly does that mean to you?  If this question brings up mixed emotions for you since you found out your son isn’t going to serve a mission (whether you found out yesterday or years ago), contact me now at kelly@findpeaceinparenting.com.  We’ll set up a free mini-session where I can help you begin to sort through your emotions so you can have peace.

What does this say about me?

When my son first told me he wasn’t going to serve a mission, of course my mind filled with doubt and fear.  Doubt about my parenting.  Fear about our relationship (not because I wouldn’t love him the same but because I was afraid he might pull away from me).  I also spent time wondering what his choice to not serve a mission said about me as a Mormon mom.

Did it mean I didn’t lay a good enough gospel foundation?  Did it mean I wasn’t strict enough?  Or lenient enough?  Did it mean Heavenly Father shouldn’t have trusted me to be his mom?  Did it mean because I wasn’t a perfect mom (who is?) this was all my fault?  Did it mean my son never, ever had a testimony?  Did it mean I should have tried harder, that I could have prevented this choice?

Or, does it mean this is his journey, and just like all of the other billions of Heavenly Father’s children, my son gets to use his agency?  Does it mean that because it’s his journey it’s not going to look like I had envisioned it?  Does it mean this is an opportunity for me to trust the foundation we’ve given him (because I know we followed promptings and made the best choices at any given time throughout his life)?  Does it mean I am the right mom for him because my love for him is unconditional… even if he doesn’t serve a mission?

To be sure, the negative thinking is easier, seems to come automatically, without much effort of my part.  But it makes me feel awful about myself and less likely to be the mom I want and need to be.  Negative thinking is definitely a way, but not the only way.  Another way is to decide how I want to show up in my relationship with my son and work towards becoming that mom.

I chose the second way.  What about you?

Just because they say it, doesn’t mean it’s true

Like a lot of other LDS families, our drive home after church usually consists of me asking everyone else what they learned.  Oftentimes the answers from my kids is short and sweet, and sometimes superficial.  But not always.

One Sunday the answer to this question surprised me when my youngest son said, “So-and-so said you guys don’t really love Jason (his brother who chose not to serve a mission) because you just let him do whatever he wants.”

What?!?  How dare anyone say (or think!) we don’t love our son because we don’t force him to serve a mission!  What gives them the right to judge our love for our children?  Or our parenting?

This line of thinking and questioning continued in my head long after our discussion about it ended.  To be honest, for a while I asked myself a lot of “what-if” questions.  And I began wondering who else was thinking we were failing as parents.  And then I started spending way too much time assuming I knew what other people thought about our family ~ none of it good, of course.

This destructive spiraling downward continued until one day I realized something I had taught my children many, many times applied to me and this situation, too:  Just because they say it, doesn’t mean it’s true.  I know how much I love my kids (and they know how much I love them, too!).  And then I began wondering, “What does my son’s choice to not serve a mission say about me?”  Pondering this question took me to an interesting place.  (Be sure to read my next blog if you’re interested in the answer!)