Right on Track

Our thoughts matter.  My thoughts matter.  Your thoughts matter.

Recently I realized that I was ~ without knowing it ~ thinking that my family was fractured.  We don’t all see things the same way.  We don’t all even believe the same things anymore.  Some individual relationships are strained.  Feelings have been hurt.  Walls have been built for protection.

Of course, when I believe my family is broken I become overwhelmed with feelings of despair and powerlessness.  In case you don’t know what that looks like it’s… lots of worry; second-guessing myself and others; and, a big desire to control things I can’t control.  Sounds like a recipe for disaster ~ when all I really want is a close, loving family.

This is where the power of awareness comes in!

When I realized I was thinking my family is damaged (and I really did NOT know that was spinning around in my head) I decided to start consciously believing something else ~ We are becoming a forever family and we’re right on track.

Seriously.  We are becoming a forever family and we’re right on track.

I mean, don’t forever families need to learn how to navigate hard times, as well as good?  Don’t forever families need to learn how to love each other unconditionally even if we may not agree with each other all the time?  Don’t forever families need to learn how to sacrifice for each other, support each other, learn from each other, forgive each other?  If the answer to any or all of these is “yes” (and I believe it is), then we are truly becoming a forever family and we’re right on track.

My heart has been full of peace and a new level of unconditional love for each member of my family since changing my paradigm.  This isn’t to say, however, that there haven’t been disappointments and disagreements in our family since I embraced this new way of seeing us, but what’s going on in my head seems to make all the difference.

What’s going on in your head?

Tired of being a mind reader?

(Image by Scott Rodgerson)

The first time one of my sons revealed to me he had been doing something he knew we didn’t approve of, my first instinct was to worry about what this said about me as a mom.  However, I remember, when I was in the throes of wondering what so-and-so would think about me when she found out, I suddenly had a stark realization:  I could spend my time worrying about what other people would think about me as a mom OR I could focus my attention on my son and help him, but there really wasn’t room in my mind for both at the same time.

We spend so much time trying to control what people think of us (or our children), trying to get approval from others, trying to “look good” for them.  But, you can’t really control someone else’s opinion.  In fact, you can never really know what someone else is thinking.  You are actually only thinking your own thoughts about the other person’s opinions.

This isn’t to say other people don’t have judgments about how we parent or about what our kids are doing, but I will tell you this:  their opinions tell you something about them, not you.  Really.  I mean, my husband loves Rocky Road ice cream but I think it’s gross.  The fact that I don’t like Rocky Road ice cream doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with it; it just means it’s not for me.

Other people can believe I don’t really love my son because I didn’t force him to go to Seminary (see “Just because they say it, doesn’t mean it’s true” for the full story).  But I know better; I know how much love I have for each one of my children ~ even if other people don’t know it.  And that’s the point.  Judgment in and of itself isn’t what hurts.  The pain comes from believing the other person’s judgment, and only you can decide to believe it… or not.

The thing about approval is this ~ we can spend so much time trying to get it from others when, ultimately, even that will feel empty if we don’t have our own approval.  And when you have your own approval you can make room in your life for the opinions of others and not make their judgments mean you’re unworthy, incapable, or just not good enough.  Doesn’t that sound freeing?!?!

If you’re tired of making parenting choices in hopes of gaining the approval of others, but you’re not sure how to break the cycle, schedule a free mini-session NOW and I’ll show you how I can help.

Overcoming Anxiety

Last summer I went tubing for the first time.  I was excited for this new experience… until the boat that was pulling our tube started moving.  Suddenly, my chest seemed tight and all I could think about was getting out of the water.

My son was right by my side and I told him I was done.  Since we had just barely started, he asked me what was wrong.  I was afraid to fall off and had no idea how I would handle it if I did.

He told me to let go.

I told him he was crazy, and said, “No way.”

He said again, “Let go, Mom.  On the count of the three we’ll both let go together.”

I have no idea why I listened, but when he got to “3” I let go of the tube and almost instantly found myself bobbing up and down in the water, feeling much better, and waving to my husband to turn the boat around so we could really go tubing :)  When I talked about it later I realized a few things:  1) I had forgotten that I know how to swim; 2) I had forgotten I had a life jacket on; and 3) Immersed in my anxiety, I told myself I was going to get hurt because I had no idea what I was doing.

In this experience, my anxiety was short-lived; however, when we worry about our children, the anxiety can seem to pervade our lives, taint everything, and leave us with worry, fear, and apprehension.

Sure, anxiety is a part of life, so it’s not as if when you learn to overcome anxiety you’ll never have to deal with it again.  But knowing a few things about anxiety can help you deal with it better.  Here’s some things to know:

-          Anxiety is an uncomfortable feeling (and a feeling is just a vibration you feel in your body, which means the feeling won’t actually hurt you).

-          Anxiety is normal and natural, which means there’s not something wrong with you when you get anxious; you’re just human.

-          Anxiety in and of itself is harmless; it’s our reaction to it and resistance of it that causes problems, which means we can have some power over it.

So, what can you do to overcome the anxiety you feel when you think about the choices your son is making?  As moms, we usually try to resist or fight the anxiety (i.e., get mad at ourselves for having it), but this only increases it.  Or, we react to it (i.e., yell, rush around), but this only seems to add fuel to the fire.  Or, we avoid it (i.e., pretend it’s not there or distract ourselves with food, work, Facebook, etc.), but this only works in the moment.

There is another option, though.  It might seem counter-intuitive, but the next time you feel the anxiety welling up inside, I challenge you to… actively accept it.  Here’s how:

-          Recognize you’re feeling anxious.

-          Remind yourself nothing has gone wrong, you’re just feeling anxiety (and we’re not supposed to feel comfortable all the time).

-          Choose to accept it (which does not mean you’re giving up; it actually means you’re taking your power back).

-          Remember, thoughts cause feelings, so it’s thoughts that cause anxiety (not the situation).  Be curious about what you’re thinking.  Often times we don’t even really know what we’re thinking, so take 5-10 minutes to write, write, write down what’s going on in your head.  Don’t judge it, just write, and then notice which thoughts are causing your anxiety.  (This is NOT a time to beat yourself up or get mad at yourself for what you’re thinking.  Don’t even try to change what you’re thinking.  Just notice what you’re thinking and let yourself be/understand.)

-          Specifically describe how your anxiety feels in your body.  Where do you feel it?  (Scan your body from your toes to your head.)  What does it feel like?  (Say you feel it in your shoulders ~ Is it hard like a rock?  Heavy?)  Describing how the anxiety feels allows you to observe it; it also helps you understand that it’s just a vibration you feel somewhere in your body and it’s not necessary to avoid it.

-          Breathe.  Inhale until your belly is full, then exhale slowly and fully.

When you choose to actively accept the anxiety you feel, you own it.  It doesn’t make it disappear, but it does put you back in control.  Anxiety doesn’t mean something has gone terribly wrong; it means you’re alive.  And since it’s an emotion you’ll get to experience on a regular basis, remember, it’s not a problem until you make it a problem by resisting it, avoiding it, or reacting to it.

If you would like some help learning how to accept the anxiety you feel, email me at kelly@findpeaceinparenting.com to set up a free mini-session today.  We can talk about your own specific situation and see if my Find Peace in Parenting program is a good fit for you.  There’s nothing to lose… except some of your worry ;)

White-knuckling ~ NOT your only choice

Let’s face it.  As moms we often believe ~ especially when life isn’t going the way we hoped it would ~ that we’re in this alone, that it’s up to us to make it all better.  We might have a husband or friend we can share our deepest fears with, we know our Heavenly Father is there for us, but we still feel alone and we find ourselves white-knuckling our way through this relationship with our son.  This is why I started my Find Peace in Parenting blog and coaching program ~ because white-knuckling isn’t the only way.

Yet, as I talk to LDS moms about my Find Peace in Parenting coaching program, I sometimes get the feeling they think I believe that my coaching tools should replace their dependence on Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.  This is the exact opposite of what I believe.  I know Heavenly Father will guide us through the challenging times in our lives.  But I also know that the adversary spends a lot of time trying to discourage us and create havoc when our sons aren’t living the way we want them to.  I also know that when I’m consumed with feelings of doubt, I don’t show up in my relationship with my Heavenly Father from a place where I can hear Him and feel connected to Him, even if I’m going through the motions.  When I’m believing ~ and telling myself over-and-over ~ that I’m a failure as a mom, I begin to doubt that even the Atonement can heal my heart.  When I’m consumed with despair, it makes it more difficult for me to hear the whisperings of the Holy Ghost.

This is where Find Peace in Parenting comes in.  The coaching I do helps you clear your head and put you in a better place to feel His direction in your life.  The blogs I write are here to enhance your LDS beliefs, not diminish them.

If you’re tired of the exhaustion that comes from white-knuckling and you want to find out more about my Find Peace in Parenting coaching program and how this work can bring you closer to Heavenly Father ~ SCHEDULE a free MINI-SESSION NOW or email me at kelly@findpeaceinparenting.com.  I’m here for you.

Awareness is the key

Before I became a certified life coach, I often found myself mentally exhausted, with the accompanying “fog” that seemed to follow me everywhere and migraines that interrupted my life way too often.

Even if you’re not interested in my Find Peace in Parenting coaching program, I want to tell you how you can begin to climb out of the fog that seems to permeate when you’re worried about the choices your teenagers are making.

When I find my mind spinning out of control, I sit down for 5-10 minutes and just write whatever I’m thinking.  I don’t censor it.  I don’t judge it.  I just download all of my thoughts.  Just the process of getting it all out of my head seems to bring some relief.

Then, I look back over what I’ve written and decide what’s true and what’s not.  It’s easy for me to fall into the trap of believing that just because I’m thinking something, it must be true.  But as I’ve learned to become aware of just what is going on in my head I’ve realized I tell myself a lot of falsehoods ~ and they don’t help me in my situation.  Once I have the awareness, though, I can decide whether or not it’s something I want to keep thinking and believing.

If you’re tired of the fog that just complicates things as you parent your teen, I challenge you to take 5 minutes right now and write down everything you’re thinking about your situation.  Try not to write what you think you *should* be thinking.  Don’t worry about proper sentence structure or your handwriting.  Just write.

Then ask yourself if there are any lies on that piece of paper.  If there are, decide whether or not you are going to keep believing it.  It really is a choice.

If you find some thoughts you’d like to stop thinking but you’re having a hard time knowing how to get rid of them, email me at kelly@findpeaceinparenting.com and I’ll help you open up your mind to the possibilities.

Walking the walk (not just talking the talk)

Photo by Dineslav Roydev on Unsplash

This morning (as I was doing what I encourage my clients to do daily ~ their own thought work!) it hit me just how powerful the tools I get to teach to others really are and how much they have impacted my own life.  So I thought I would share the three beliefs that have changed for me over the last year and how each new belief has changed my life.

#1 ~ When I spent a week entirely immersed in coaching and being coached myself, I became aware of a deep, long-lived belief I didn’t even realize I had ~ the belief that I *wasn’t* ever quite enough… as a wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend, chairman, neighbor (the list could go on)… not ever enough.  My new-found awareness of this over-arching thought, and the realization of how it permeated everything I did, was so shocking to me and so sad to me, I decided to put a stop to it.  And I did.  I had to practice it for a while but now I know *I am enough* and it has made all the difference in my life, and even I can see how I now show up as the person I really want to be rather than a watered-down version of me.

#2 ~ During my certification period to become a life coach I began to realize that I often told myself I never had very good questions to ask.  As soon as I noticed this, I remembered back to my many years of teaching and mentoring, and realized that every time I prepared to lead a discussion I had always thought the same thing.  Well, I could clearly see this wouldn’t be a helpful belief if I wanted to be the best life coach I could be, so I determined to change it.  And I did.  Again, I had to practice “I ask good questions” for a while; I even giggled out loud in the beginning because it didn’t feel true, but I kept practicing it anyway.  Several months later, not only do I hear myself asking good questions, but several times a week I’m told, “Wow, that is a good question.”

#3 ~ Anyone who has built her own business (or even tried!) knows the experience is full of highs-and-lows, and oftentimes it’s discouraging.  Instead of dwelling on how hard it is to find the people I want to help (“It’s hard to find my niche clients”), I decided to concentrate on this thought:  “I’m learning to find niche clients.”  Until today.  During my thought work today I realized that while “learning to” was a good step from “it’s hard,” I’m now ready to believe “I know how to find niche clients.”  And I will find them because it's my heart's desire to help them.

We spend a lot of time on our physical and spiritual health (and rightly so!) but we often don’t see the importance of working on our mental health unless we’re mentally ill.  However, becoming aware of the thoughts I shared above allowed me to decide whether or not they were serving me well.  When I realized they weren’t I was then in a position to make a choice to keeping thinking and believing that way, or not.  And while I can’t always change the situation I’m in or the challenge I’m facing, I *can* determine how *I* want to show up, no matter what is going on.  Even in parenting our teen and young adult children.  In fact, especially as we parent them.

“Find Peace in Parenting” isn’t just a nice saying or a hopeful thought.  I know it’s a possibility for anyone who chooses to learn how to manager her own mind.  If you want "peace in parenting" to be *your* reality ~ contact me now at kelly@findpeaceinparenting.com.  Peace awaits.  Come on, I’ll show you how!

Real Freedom

As a child who spent more than a handful of years living overseas, I grew up with an appreciation for the freedoms I enjoy as an American citizen.

As a student of history, I have a depth of understanding of the sacrifices that accompany freedom, and I’m eternally grateful to those who gave part of their lives and those who gave their whole life, so I can be free.

As a wife whose husband served our country in the US Navy for over 20 years, I have a unique love for those who serve in the military, and also for those who support those who serve.

And yet, with an abundance of freedom surrounding me, I sometimes feel trapped when things aren’t going the way they should; I sometimes feel stuck in fear when I see my son not living like he should; and I sometimes feel desperate when I’m consumed with the thought that life shouldn’t be unfair.

Americans have more freedoms than we sometimes realize, but obviously, feeling cornered or scared or distressed only makes us feel like our hands are tied… definitely *not* free.  But don’t be discouraged!  I’ve been reading Tracy Goss’ The Last Word on Power and have learned a truth I want to share with you.  But, first, go back and re-read the paragraph above (“And yet…”).

Did you notice anything?  A common word?

“Should.”

That six-letter word ~ should ~ is just a big trouble-maker.  Goss explains why as she identifies the Universal Human Paradigm (something all human beings believe):  “There is a way that things should be.  And when they are that way, things are right.  When they’re not that way, something is wrong with you, them, or it.” (p. 77)

Think about it.  How often is “should” the beginning of your angst?

Now contrast the Universal Human Paradigm with this truth:  “Life does not turn out the way it ‘should.’  Nor does life turn out the way it ‘shouldn’t.’  Life turns out the way it does.” (p. 96)

Think about it.  “Life turns out the way it does.”

This doesn’t mean we don’t care.  It doesn’t mean we don’t pray.  It doesn’t mean we don’t teach and try to influence for good.  It doesn’t mean we throw up our hands and quit trying.  It simply means life turns out the way it does so there’s no use spending time consumed with “I should have…” or “I shouldn’t have…”

How would your life be different if “should” was banned for the day?  What freedom could you enjoy if “should” was not a part of your vocabulary for a week?  Comment below or email me at kelly@findpeaceinparenting.com ~ I’d love to hear about the freedom that awaits you!