Improve your relationship with your son TODAY

It was two weeks before Christmas when my son decided to walk out of our front door with no intention of returning.  I knew I had every reason in the world to be hurt, angry, disappointed, shocked, sad, and frustrated ~ and I was.  I even felt gypped.  And, I’m not going to lie, I spent a lot of time feeling all of these emotions until I realized how exhausted I was, even how bitter I was becoming, and how out of control I felt.

Yuck!  Yuck!  Yuck!

Even though the situation was out of my control, I realized I had also handed control of my own well-being over to someone who I believed wasn’t making very good choices.  That was when I knew there had to be a better way for me to show up in this situation.

Yes, this whole situation wasn’t fair, but being enraged with my son only made me feel angry and feeling resentment only made me bitter.  So I decided to figure out how I wanted to feel, what kind of mom I wanted to be, even in this awful situation. 

I decided I wanted to feel love.

Since I know thoughts and feelings are connected, I knew I’d have to stop telling myself he was a selfish brat.  Whether or not it was true (and I certainly had a lot of evidence that it was), thinking about him this way only made me frustrated.  And I wanted to feel love.  So I decided to think this instead:  This is his journey and I can love him and pray for him.

What a difference that thought was for me!  It did help me feel love and compassion, which allowed me to (mostly) behave in a way I wouldn’t have to cringe about later.

How do you want to feel about your own son?  What would you have to believe to feel that way?

Figuring this out for yourself will immediately change your relationship with your son even if nothing about him or the situation changes.  I’m living proof it is true.

If you’re ready to take your control back but aren’t quite sure how to really take that first step, I’m here to help you.  Simply sign up for a free mini-session and I’ll show you how you can start to make it happen in your own situation.

True confessions of a self-proclaimed failure

Sometimes I surprise myself.  This morning, over breakfast with a friend, I heard myself saying, “Yes, it’s been a rough year but I honestly think it’s been worth it because of all the lessons *I* have learned and who I have become through all the hard.”  I’ve actually been thinking this for a little while now so that wasn’t the surprising part.  What surprised me was that it wasn’t just something nice to say; I actually realized I believe it whole-heartedly!

This got me to thinking about how just a handful of years ago I felt like such a failure as a mom because my son didn’t have the testimony I wanted him to have ~ and he had no desire for one.  OK, that didn’t necessarily make me a failure as a mom, but it certainly meant I was a huge, fat failure as a Mormon mom.

Now, I’m the kind of person that has to reconcile things in my head.  My son had been raised in the Gospel and here he was choosing to walk away from it.  Clearly this meant I had done something wrong and therefore I had failed.  Those were the facts, as I saw it, so I worked diligently on accepting the fact that as a mom in the Church I had simply failed.

I’m pretty good at embracing what “is” so I also learned to accept the loneliness and despair that come with being a failure.  Sure, it’s heavy, but this is what I deserved for failing so miserably; it was just a natural consequence of not getting it right.

But… what dawned on me this morning is this ~ I no longer believe I’m a failure that will never quite measure up because some of my sons have left the Church.  I no longer spend my time trying to prove I’m still a worthwhile woman even though I don’t have the “perfect Mormon family.”  And guess what else?!  I am no longer lonely and weighed down by guilt and remorse over things I cannot change.

I am not saying there weren’t things I could have done differently.  And I am not saying I don’t hope and pray that my sons will eventually want to develop a relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.  But what I am saying is knowing I’m not a failure as a mom (even as a Mormon mom) has allowed me to learn valuable lessons through the ups and downs of the last year ~ lessons like how to love unconditionally (which is not the same as accepting/condoning), how to find my own peace and happiness (which isn’t dependent on the actions of others), and how to accept that each one of us ~ even my boys ~ have been given the gift of agency (for better or worse), and I really wouldn’t want it any other way.

These lessons could not have been learned if I was consumed with worry, overwhelmed with bitterness, or even numbed with anger.  And even though I would not have chosen these experiences on purpose, I will be eternally grateful for the woman I have become through them.

I don’t usually love surprises but the one that came this morning ~ I’ll take it!

Are you ready to exchange your own feelings of failure for love, gratitude, and peace?  I promise it’s possible, even for YOU.  The world ~ especially your world ~ needs the best version of you.  I would love to help you find that under all the hurt, fear, and regret.  CLICK HERE to schedule your private mini-session where I’ll help you start feeling lighter.  It’s free.  It works. 

Isn’t it time to start finding your own peace in parenting?

Do you even know how to take care of yourself?

As moms of “wayward” teenage sons, we spend a lot of time worrying and praying; we spend time trying to teach and sometimes arguing; we stay up late so we’re available for those conversations that seem only to happen in the middle of the night; or we’re up late hoping our son is safe and warm.

We also take care of the needs of our family (meals, laundry, cleaning, soothing, shopping, etc.).  We work.  As members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we also serve diligently in our callings, including our ministering assignments, as well as volunteer for extra projects because… well, because we feel like we should.

Is it any wonder you’re feeling empty, run-down, depleted?

I’m sure you’ve heard all about the importance of taking care of yourself and you probably even understand it in theory.  But now it’s time to actually start putting yourself at the top of your priority list because even you cannot pour love from an empty pitcher.

What does this even look like?  It may mean you choose to pass on signing up to take dinner to someone in need (just this once!) so you have time for that long walk you promised yourself.  It might look like giving up that late-night chat with your son (just this once!) so you can get the rest you know your body and mind need.  Perhaps you will move dinner back 45 minutes so you have time to exercise or read a book.

Expect your family to be surprised now that you are making some time for you.  It’s OK; they’ll adjust.  And remember, as you start taking care of yourself, you’ll have so much more to give to others, especially the family you love with all your heart.

3 reasons why every mom of teenage boys needs a life coach

It’s been almost a year since I became a certified life coach.  Throughout this time I have been coached a lot myself and as I look back over everything that has happened this last year I know without any doubt that even though circumstantially this has probably been the hardest parenting year of my 25 years of parenting, I am the happiest and most at peace that I have ever been in my life.

Even though…

… a son ran away from home a few weeks before Christmas (and we had a trip planned) and this time stayed away for many, many, many months.

… a son got into trouble with the law.

… a son chose to have his name removed from the records of the Church.

So how is it possible to go through all of this (and more!) and still honestly say that I am happy and at peace?!?  How can any mom feel good about herself ~ and her parenting ~ when some (or most) of her children aren’t making the kind of choices she taught them to make?  But the most important question you’re probably asking is… “Can *I* really be happy and have genuine peace in my heart even in my own situation?”

The answer is YES.

There’s nothing super special about me.  I have spent over two decades being the best mom I could be at any given time, failing, trying again, failing some more, still keep trying, and beating myself up for not being perfect enough.

But when I began learning the tools I teach through my life coaching, my whole world changed.  And that’s why I can say with such confidence…

Everyone needs a life coach, a really good one, especially moms of teenage boys.

If you want to see yourself in a way you’ve never noticed before… get yourself a life coach.

If you want to hear the truth, in a loving space, even when it’s hard to hear… get yourself a life coach.

If you want the power to create whatever result you want in your life ~ no matter what your teen is doing… get yourself a life coach.

A really good life coach can change your experience as you learn to navigate the sometimes rocky terrain of parenting teens and young adults.  But don’t take my word for it:

“Kelly will be able to help you transform your relationship with your son so that you are not just ‘getting through’ this difficult time, but so that you can thrive through these experiences.” ~ Catherine M.

“With Kelly’s help I have been able to show up as the mom I want to be and love unconditionally.” ~ Julie B.

“The personal examples she gave helped me understand the principles and skills she taught me; because I could see how they benefited her, I was able to trust that they would make a difference in my life, too.  And they have.” ~ Robyn N.

“I was surprised by the questions she asked and how she was able to draw out my thoughts and help me see what I could really do to improve how I was thinking and feeling about myself as a wife, mother, and person.” ~ Shawna Y.

Every mom of teenage boys needs a life coach.  And if I’m not your life coach, no worries.  But find a really good one.  You’ll never regret working with a life coach; you’ll only kick yourself for not doing it sooner.

To find out if Find Peace in Parenting coaching is right for you, schedule a free mini-session now and see for yourself the power of a coach.  I will coach you on one of your specific problems and give you a tool you can start using immediately.

CLICK HERE to schedule your free mini-session.

Lesson from my motorcycle accident

I lived in Scotland for several years while I growing up.  Every-other-summer we got to come back to the States to visit family and friends.  The summer I was 12 we spent a lot of time with our cousins riding dirt bikes.  We rode on the dirt road between my cousins’ home and my grandparent’s home; we rode along the wheat fields and to go do chores; but our favorite place to ride was on my uncle’s dirt runway because it was smooth and straight and we could pick up some speed.

Since I’m not really the adventurous type, I was usually behind one of my cousins on their bike, but eventually they made me learn how to drive.  So, late in the summer, when my brother left for a week to go to football camp, his dirt bike became mine for the week.

One afternoon, as I was cruising down the runway, enjoying the wind in my face, I suddenly realized that the runway was soon coming to an end and I was going way too fast for the bumpy ruts I was headed for.  Up until this time I hadn’t really gone super-fast while driving so I hadn’t yet learned about the danger of trying to slow down too fast.

So I fish-tailed.  And then I crashed.  And the 1255cc dirt bike landed on me, with the hot engine burning through the skin on the inside of my right leg.

My cousin got me back home where my second-degree burns were taken care of, but I remember I really wasn’t so concerned about my leg.  What had me most worried was that my brother was going to be mad because I crashed his brand new dirt bike.

That worry tortured me for several days.  (This was way before cell phones and constant communication, so my brother didn’t know about what happened until he got back from his football camp.)  I worried because he had trusted me enough to let me use his dirt bike and I didn’t take very good care of it and now it was scratched up.  I worried because I didn’t like it when he was mad at me.

Imagine my surprise the night my brother arrived home and the first thing he did was come and make sure I was OK.  He wasn’t too worried about his bike, but he was concerned about me and my bandaged leg.

So, I had spent several days worrying about something that never happened.  What a waste of time.

How much time do you spend worrying about things that haven’t happened yet?  Do you worry that your son will give up all the good things you’ve taught him?  Do you worry that he might not marry the right girl since he’s no longer associating with the Church?  Do you worry that you’ll never have your whole family together in the temple?

Sure ~ all these things might happen.  But it’s also true that they might not.  Worrying ahead of time just ensures you get to worry either way.

What could you do with the time you currently spend worrying about something that hasn’t happened yet?  I spend that time living my life and nurturing myself so I can better show up as the kind of person I want to be, especially in my relationship with my son.

If you’re ready to stop pre-worrying but aren’t quite sure how to make the change, schedule a free mini-session and I’ll show you how.  Life is certainly better with less worry.

Just give me the facts

One of the first concepts I teach my clients is that the circumstances in our lives are neutral ~ just facts ~ and so it’s not the situation we’re in that’s causing us to be happy or sad, excited or nervous, or even calm or angry.  Rather, it’s what we’re thinking about our circumstances that determine how we feel.

Take a bouquet of flowers.  When my husband brings flowers home for me I feel loved.  It lets me know he was listening when I told him I like fresh flowers because they brighten the room.  It shows me that he’s been thinking of me while we were apart.  And as I’m arranging them in a vase it reminds me of a YW leader I loved who taught me the nuances of flower arranging.  So, for me, when my husband walks through the door with flowers in his hand, I feel loved.

But I know other wives who, when they see their husbands come home with flowers, don’t necessarily see it as a gesture of love, but rather more work for them to do.  “Now I have to find a vase, trim the flowers, and try to keep them alive for a while.”

This doesn’t mean I’m a more grateful wife than one who doesn’t appreciate flowers.  This simply shows how the situation is neutral ~ husband brings home flowers ~ and how this simple, neutral act can invoke different thoughts and feelings, which proves it’s not the flowers that are causing the gratitude or angst, but what we’re thinking.

Why does this even matter?  Because if it’s the situation that’s causing our misery, then we’re doomed to be miserable until the situation changes (which is often out of our control).  But the situation is always neutral.

Even your son not going to church anymore.

Even finding hidden drug paraphernalia in your son’s closet.

Even the judgments of a sister at Church.

Circumstances are neutral ~ and that’s the good news, because what you think and feel about what’s going on is completely up to you.

If you understand this in theory but can’t wrap your mind around it in your own situation, you’re definitely not alone.  And this is where the power of coaching can be so instrumental.  If you want help in separating out the facts and what you’re thinking about them in your own situation, schedule a free mini-session now and I’ll help you see the difference.

A little gift from God

Recently, as I was checking out at the grocery store, I was given a little gift from above.

Now, I’ve gone to this particular grocery store consistently for almost a decade.  Over that period of time, even though I’m introverted, I’ve gotten to know DJ, one of the workers there, and he has gotten to know me and my youngest son, Dylan (who used to always go shopping with me).

Over the years DJ has learned about what Dylan liked in school, and what he didn’t like.  DJ would always ask about Dylan’s wrestling and swimming and scouting.  DJ felt bad when Dylan broke his collar bone (both times!) and was happy for Dylan when the healing was complete.  Even though I only see DJ a couple of times a month (at most), I always enjoy our interactions and it makes shopping (something I actually don’t like doing) a little more pleasant.

As Dylan got older he didn’t always go grocery shopping with me, but whenever I saw DJ he would ask about Dylan, always curious to know what Dylan was up to and how he was doing.  I’ve always appreciated when other adults are genuinely interested in my boys and it’s fun to talk about the great things they’re doing and have others be happy with us.

But last week, as I was scanning my groceries, I saw DJ heading my way.  I hadn’t actually seen him for a while and I knew he would ask about Dylan.  To be completely honest, I wasn’t excited for this conversation because Dylan has been living his life contrary to how he’s been raised.  While I’m not embarrassed or ashamed (I decided to give those emotions up in parenting a long time ago), I am disappointed.  I also have a hard time pretending things are wonderful when they’re not.  And I don’t like talking about the negative things people are doing.  So, what’s a mom to do?!?

I decided to be honest.  And while I didn’t go into all the nitty-gritty details, DJ understood the angst I felt.  And then came the gift:

DJ told me his oldest son had done a similar thing in his late teens, but, “You would never know it now.  He’s definitely not that person anymore, so don’t give up hope.”

A tear may or may not have appeared.

Of course, DJ has no way of knowing who Dylan will be in ten years, but… neither do I.  He could be even further away from the way he’s been taught to live… or not.  However, this short, simple encounter was a reminder to me that while I cannot force my son to live the way I want him to, there’s no guarantee that this will all end badly.  I was also reminded that other people see goodness in my son even when it’s sometimes covered up with less-than-desirable choices and behavior.

I truly have learned to not hand my emotional well-being over to others ~ especially my son!  But I still appreciate little reminders that it’s OK to look for the good and hope for the best even when I’m not sure how things will all work out.

You can, too!  And if you’d ever like to chat about your own parenting situation, I’m here for you ~ kelly@findpeaceinparenting.com.