What Mattered Most… to me

The afternoon my son first told me he wasn’t going to serve a mission I definitely had lots of thoughts swirling around my head about his testimony, his eternal welfare, and what other choices this decision would lead to.  But honestly, what concerned me most was maintaining a close relationship with him.  I had heard about ~ and even seen with my own eyes ~ how some parents virtually disown their children for “straying off the path” and how some kids believe (whether it’s true or not) they can’t do anything right in their parent’s eyes and how that becomes a wedge between them.  I knew the former wouldn’t be an issue, but I was concerned about the latter.  And I was determined not to let it happen.

In the ensuing days, weeks, and months ~ with the goal of making my relationship with my son even better ~ I purposely spent time figuring out how to stay connected to him and then I acted.  I stayed interested in the things that mattered to him, made sure to be available as he came-and-went, took time to listen, supported him in his activities, and still taught him correct principles.

Of course, none of this was anything extraordinary, but concentrating on what I wanted (a close relationship with my son) rather than dwelling on the “could’ve, would’ve, should’ve’ s,” has made all the difference. And 4½ years later, we are closer and better connected than ever!

If you want to create the best relationship possible with your son ~ no matter what ~ SIGN UP NOW for a free mini-session.  It only takes 30 minutes ~ and if we’re not a right fit for each other you’ll still leave the mini-session with some good help to get you started.

Lessons from my old high school track

My husband and I recently went “home” to visit my parents.  One morning we woke up and went into town to run/walk around the high school track so we could get our 2-3 miles in for the day.  As I started my second or third lap I found myself smiling as I remembered telling myself, almost 30 years ago, that I would *never* run again.

You see, I’m not a runner, but when I was on the high school track team (I threw the discus) my coach asked me to “run the 2-mile” whenever there were so few girls in the race that all I had to do was finish and we would get team points.  I did it ~ for the team ~ but hated every step, and so when I approached the final finish line of my last 2-mile race I promised myself I would never run again unless it was to save the life of a child!  And I meant it.

Fast-forward 20-some years and I actually paid money to run in a 5K race (but that's a story for another time); and since that experience I actually enjoy jogging with some real running sprinkled in sometimes ;).  And that’s why I found myself smiling as I realized I was running ~ because I chose to ~ around the same track where I had declared, at the age of 17, I would never run again.

As our teenage sons struggle with their testimonies or blatantly make choices contrary to what we’ve taught them, it’s easy for us to believe they will never change their minds, never remember all the things they know, never find their way back to the Gospel again.

But, do you still firmly believe everything you were most adamant about when you were a teenager?  Or even a young adult?

I don’t.  And that made my run around my old high school track even sweeter.

My son may be on a different path than I imagined he would be, but I can still love him through the ups-and-downs of his journey because I know he won’t always see things the way he does right now.  Being the mom, even through challenging times, is so much better from a place of love rather than from constant worry.

If you would like to learn how to love more and worry less, email me at kelly@findpeaceinparenting.com OR set up a free mini-session now.  My Find Peace in Parenting coaching has already helped LDS moms with wayward teenage sons.  During your mini-session we’ll see if my coaching would be a good fit for you, too!

Are you defensive?

I’ve been thinking a lot about “defensiveness” lately.  My pondering was first sparked by a conversation with a friend a few months ago.  This conversation got me to wondering just what defensiveness is all about.  So, I’ve become a “watcher” of sorts.  Life gives me lots of opportunities to see “defensiveness” in action ~ both in my own life and in the lives of others.  Here are some of the things I’ve observed:

When I’m defensive it usually masks the fear I feel, fear that maybe I’m wrong, fear that I’m not good enough, sometimes even fear that I’m not accepted.

Sometimes I use my defensiveness as a means to avoid taking a look at myself and instead blame the other person because he or she doesn’t see things like me.

I have even noticed my defensiveness is sometimes just a habit.  It seems I often assume others think I’m way off base so I lead with defensiveness as a protection.

Recently I sat in a meeting where there was much discussion about how we can ensure our boys are prepared to serve missions.  I felt myself becoming defensive.  But I chose not to stay there.  I let go of the fear, let go of my own preconceived judgments of others, and instead added my own thoughts and perspectives from a place of love.  What a difference it made!

How does defensiveness make you act?  It might be interesting to take a step back and see.

Control ~ who wants it?

The first time my oldest son got behind the wheel and drove us to the neighborhood post office I almost threw up.  By the time we made it into our parking spot I was dizzy and wondered how in the world I was ever going to make it back home.  Looking back at this experience, I now realize that it had a lot more to do with my lack of control over the situation rather than his driving skills.

At that time in our family I had virtually done most of the driving.  I had no idea I would have such a reaction to sitting in the passenger seat with my 15-year-old behind the wheel.  I didn’t have control of how we turned, how he reacted to other drivers on the road, or even how to park in the tiny parking spaces found in most southern California parking lots.

It turns out this was a wake-up call to me in the amount of control I believed I had over the different aspects of my life.  It seemed to open the flood gates to the realization that I really couldn’t control as much as I thought I could.  Yes, opening my eyes to this reality was disconcerting at first, but after I finally wrapped my head around it I must say it was (and is) rather liberating to know that all of what happens in life doesn’t rest solely on my shoulders.  There are things that happen in life that I have no control over ~ thank goodness!

What I do control ~ where my power really lies ~ is how I choose to show up in any situation.  

If you find yourself not showing up the way you really want to ~ email me NOW at kelly@findpeaceinparenting.com and I'll show you how you can become the mom of teenage sons YOU want to be... no matter what they are choosing.

What brings you joy?

What kind of things bring you joy?  Sometimes as moms we barely have time to do everything that has to be done.  Who even has time to think about joy?  Or the things we want?  I remember one day my son asked me, “Mom, if you didn’t have to do anything, what would you want to do?”  I laughed and told him I had no idea… and then probably got back to being busy.

Even though that conversation happened years ago, I still remember feeling sad that I couldn’t answer it.  Since then I’ve thought about it and have realized even busy moms need joy in their lives.  Today, if my son asked me what I would do if I had time to do whatever I want, I’d tell him:

Go on a walk when the sun is shining and the air is crisp

Laugh with family and friends

Snuggle with a baby

Lie in a hammock, listening only to nature

Play racquetball (I’m not good, but I enjoy it!)

Listen to the testimony of someone finding their way back to God

These things bring me joy.  What brings you joy?

Not my proudest mommy-moment

When my boys were young we started doing puzzles together, big puzzles, like the 500-1000 piece puzzles.  We enjoyed the challenge of finding the right pieces and celebrated together when the “one” we’d been looking for was finally found.

One evening we were finishing up a flag puzzle we’d been working on for a while.  I had to leave for a meeting and knew my family would finish it while I was gone.  I was sad to miss the culmination of our project… so I decided to take a piece with me so they couldn’t complete it without me.

During my meeting I was preoccupied with feelings of guilt and selfishness.  Those feelings were only compounded when I returned home to find my family eagerly waiting for me to return so we could finish the puzzle together.  As they handed me a puzzle piece they said, “Mom, we lost a piece, but we saved the last piece we had for you to put in.”  Sheepishly, I retrieved the missing piece from my back pocket, told them what I’d done, and let them have the honor of placing the last two pieces of our puzzle.

Definitely not my proudest mommy-moment, but I learned that sometimes my competitiveness distracts me from doing the right thing.  Since that evening I have been more aware of my competitive streak ~ which makes it easier for me, in the moment, to figure out if "this is the time to win at all costs" or not.

What lessons have you learned from your own “not my proudest mommy-moment”?  I’d love to hear about them.

Why?

One evening, as my husband and I went on a walk, we passed by the home of some friends of ours, Mormon friends, friends whose children were doing all the things we’d taught our own children to do.  My husband asked the question, “Why can’t we just make our kids do the right thing?”

Of course, we talked about how we don’t know this family’s struggles and challenges (because every family has them); and, we talked about agency; and, I even asked my husband, “Have you met our kids?  I don’t think force would work. J”

Yet, the question still remains:  “Why do some families have it easy when it comes to testimonies and missions, and other families don’t?”

Is it because God doesn’t care as much about our family?

It is because we have failed in our parenting?

Is it because we somehow missed the secret ingredient to make this all work?

Questions are so powerful and really direct our mind.  And while these questions might be natural when we find ourselves with children who are walking away from the religious foundation we've spent so many years trying to give them, these questions also help us stay stuck ~ stuck in fear, stuck in doubt.

What if, instead, you asked yourself...

How is having this problem useful to me?

What is the solution that most feels like love?

If I were presenting this problem as good news, how would I describe it?


I’d love to hear your answers to any of these questions (comment below or email me at kelly@findpeaceinparenting.com).