How to make the best of an awful situation

Several times in the last few weeks friends have told me, “Wow, your perspective on that situation is incredible,” or they’ve asked, “How can you be so positive in such an awful situation?”  Sometimes I’m surprised because I don’t necessarily realize (until it’s pointed out to me) that I’m not making my experience harder by constantly believing my situation is beyond hope or by thinking I’m obviously doing something wrong otherwise this [horrible situation] wouldn’t be happening.

Sometimes I wonder if my friends just think there’s something special about me and that’s why I can handle difficult experiences from a good place.  Let me set the record straight ~ there’s nothing special about me.  I don’t say that to put myself down.  I say it because if this former perfectionist, people-pleasing, take-responsibility-for-everything-and-everyone woman (me!) can persevere through hard times with peace instead of continual angst, I guarantee anyone can do it.

As I have pondered why I can feel peace when turmoil abounds, I’ve noticed that my shift in perspective (which totally changes my own experience) includes these three ideas:  choice, opportunity, and becoming.

Choice.  When our teenage son abruptly left home one day because “anywhere has to be better than here,” my first instinct was to think I either had to be devastated by this or simply not care.  Neither one of these felt good because, for me, feeling devastated is exhausting, yet not fruitful.  Unlike the exhaustion that comes from hard, productive work (which I love), devastation still leaves me out of control, sad, and not helping myself or the situation.  And no matter how ridiculous I thought my son was being, I couldn’t pretend (and didn’t even want to pretend) that I didn’t care because it’s simply not true.

It’s easy to get stuck in all-or-nothing thinking, in believing there’s only two choices, but oftentimes there are multiple options.  Instead of feeling devastated or not caring, I chose to feel love ~ love for myself and love for my son (even though I don’t always think he deserves it).  While this hasn’t made the situation wonderful and glorious, choosing love has helped me concentrate on the things I can do rather than dwell on the parts out of my control.

Opportunity.  Another key to my more positive outlook on situations beyond my control is to see each experience as an opportunity instead of a tragedy.  And I don’t just mean an opportunity for my son to learn life lessons the hard way.  Rather, I see it as an opportunity for me to honor the gift of agency even when I disagree with how it’s being used, an opportunity for me to learn the difference between unconditional love and condoning, and an opportunity for me to trust my Heavenly Father even when I can’t see how this could possibly ever turn out OK.

It’s true that while I would never have purposely chosen to have a son of mine just up and leave home, seeing this as an opportunity to learn more about myself and things I’ve known and taught for years (agency, unconditional love, trust in Heavenly Father) has given purpose and meaning to what could have otherwise only been a disaster.

Becoming.  The third thing that has helped change my perspective when undesirable experiences are thrust upon me is the idea of “becoming.”  Sometimes in my black-and-white thinking I automatically go to “This is how it’s all going to end.  My son will always make choices we don’t agree with and he’ll always see us as the enemy.”  But what if that just isn’t true?  As much as I like to believe I have a crystal ball, I don’t.  But this I do know:  I am who I am because of the hard things I’ve endured (including the hard things I’ve brought upon myself) and I’m a work in progress.  I’m OK with my own “becoming” and it’s fine for me to be OK with my son’s “becoming.”

Life is rarely a bed of roses for anyone, but your perspective can make all the difference for you, even in situations beyond your control.

Stop beating yourself up

“It’s all my fault.”

“If I was a better mom my son wouldn’t be struggling right now.”

As valid or real as these statements can seem, especially when it feels like everything is going wrong ~ they really aren’t helpful.

After spending decades beating myself up, believing I was the cause of all of my family’s problems, I told a friend recently that in many ways the last year has been one of the best of my life even though if I looked back at the specific things that have happened it’s actually been one of the hardest years of my life.

It surprised even me when I said it has been one of the best years of my life. Be really ~ how could this even be possible when so many things went “wrong”?

The reason this has been one of the best years is because after way too long of beating myself up for being an imperfect mom, I decided to stop.  And I did.

I feel lighter just thinking about the difference between the old me and the new me.

I feel more true to myself than I ever have in my life.

I even feel like I’m truly the best mom for each one of my boys.

How would your experience in your life be different if you stopped beating yourself up?  Would there be more curiosity and less judgment?  Would there be more acceptance and less denial?  Would you be able to see that your family is just as it’s supposed to be right now and feel OK about it?

Beating yourself up can seem, in an odd way, so natural and even comfortable.  But just because it’s a habit doesn’t mean it’s a good one.  In reality, the only thing it really accomplishes is keeping the real you from showing up.

It’s time.  Time to take the gloves off.  Time to stop the insanity.  Time to live your best life.

And I promise... this is possible ~ even for you!  If you want to stop beating yourself up but aren’t quite sure how to take a step in that direction, consider scheduling a free mini-session now.  I’ll show you the first step in this process and even if you don’t want to work with me beyond the mini-session, this step can make a huge difference in your life.  Take those gloves off and start finding peace in your parenting now!

There’s always a choice

Picture by Christian Stahl

Halfway through my husband’s naval career he headed back to sea duty.  Although we had done this before, this time around we had three children so I knew it would be a very different experience.  I knew other Navy wives who became bitter about how many days each year their spouse was gone.  The last thing I wanted was to become bitter, too, so I made a conscious choice to:  1) not keep a running total of the days my husband was out to sea; and, 2) to use the time we would have normally spent together to become a better version of myself.

It’s so easy to get sucked into thinking that a hard situation can only bring you misery or resentment or heartache, but that’s simply not true.  I couldn’t change the ship’s schedule so my husband wouldn’t miss birthdays or would be there to help take care of things when I was sick or just plain tired.  I certainly couldn’t change the fact that our country was attacked on September 11, 2001, by terrorists, which meant even more separation for our family.  The only thing I had control over was what kind of person I was going to be throughout and at the end of our “sea time.”

The same principle applies when you’re in the trenches of parenting your teens and young adults.  Only you get to decide if each experience that comes your way because of the choices your son is making will leave you with an overall feeling of helplessness, hopelessness, or even bitterness.  But I guarantee it’s not the only choice.

Hope is possible.

Confidence is possible.

Even peace is possible.

Odds are these feelings of hope, confidence, and/or peace won’t automatically appear when your son tells you he’s not going to serve a mission or when he quits going to church altogether or whatever your son is doing that makes you feel anxious or at least concerned about his spiritual welfare.  But the useful feelings are still available to you.

If you felt hope, what would you do differently right now?  Perhaps you could see the lessons for good being learned (by both you and your son).

If you felt confident, what would be different in your life right now?  Perhaps you would better know when to speak up and when to be quiet.

If you felt peace in your heart right now, what would that look like?  Perhaps you would remember that we are each on a journey to learn the things Heavenly Father needs us to learn and your son’s journey is his to take and how lucky he is that you are his mom.

Your situation doesn’t define you.  You get to decide how you feel ~ even when you wish things were different.  And that’s the good news!

Parenting Problems: Take Two

Picture by Ian deng

In last week’s blog I shared how I returned to a hotel to retrieve some missing shoes only to eventually find those shoes were already in my car.  When I chose to believe this wasn’t a big deal, that it was not a reason to get upset, I got to feel love and peace, something that would not have been available to me if I was angry.

It seems kind of obvious in situations that don’t include the heartstrings of a mother.  But what if the same thing applied even when your teenage son stops going to church, doesn’t serve a mission, or even moves in with his girlfriend?

It does apply.

What you’re thinking about your problem with your son really is up to you (and that’s actually good news!).  Since your thoughts cause you to feel a certain way, ask yourself, “How do I want to feel about this?”

Let’s say your son moves in with his girlfriend.  You don’t approve of this decision, and in fact, you’ve taught him much differently, but he’s moved in with her anyway.  Your initial reaction may be one of heartbreak, anger, disappointment, or even indifference.  But my question for you is ~ How do you want to feel about this? 

I’m not suggesting you should feel delighted or even OK with it (although you certainly can if you’d like).  The truth is ~ there’s no “right” answer to how you want to feel about this.  You get to decide.

As you think about how you want to feel, you might also consider how you want to behave in this particular situation.  No matter what’s going on for me, I act differently if I’m curious rather than enraged, if I feel hope rather than despair.  And I’ve found that, especially in parenting my teens, how I behave certainly makes a difference in the situation.

So, how do you want to feel about this problem?

What feeling will help you to show up in this problem from a place of wisdom and peace?

Answers to your problems and creativity in finding solutions come so much easier when you are calm and curious.  Is what you’re doing now serving you and helping the problem?  Is there something you could think or feel that wouldn’t cause you to act from a negative space?

Different thoughts and feelings will always cause you to act differently.  Even in your situation.  Even when you can’t control other people.

If you can feel the truth in this but aren’t quite sure what a useful feeling might even be for you in your particular situation, feel free to sign up for a free mini-session and I’ll show you how.

Tired of your problems?

What if most of the things you think of as problems aren’t really problems?  What if your problem is really an opportunity?

Recently, we were out of town for the weekend.  We were headed to church before going home when my husband called (we were in separate cars) to tell me we had left a pair of shoes in our hotel room.  Although I knew it would mean I would be late for Sacrament meeting, I turned around to go back and get the shoes.  (FYI ~ I'm a pretty timely person and am rarely late for anything!)  After checking and re-checking the hotel room, I went back to my car and found all of our shoes safely tucked inside our shoe bag.

I could have easily been upset with myself (for not checking the bag first) or upset with my husband (for not remembering he put the shoes in the bag), OR I could choose to not make a big deal out of it.  I chose to giggle and just get back on the road.

Problems really aren’t problems until you think of them as problems (someone else could have thought it was a good thing to be late for church ;).  In fact, focusing on the problem can sometimes be the problem because it prevents you from focusing on the solution or how to move forward.

One way to shift your thinking is to ask yourself, “So what?”  Why does it matter that I returned to the hotel only to ultimately find the shoes in my trunk?  If I make it mean it’s not OK to be wrong sometimes or there’s something wrong because I was late to church or I should have pulled over and checked the bag before driving 15 minutes back to the hotel and because I didn’t there’s something wrong with me ~ If I make this experience mean any of these things, that’s where the problem lies because I have the power to interpret the situation any way I want (i.e., better to check when I was only 10 miles away instead of 60 miles).

It boils down to this:  your thinking is what causes the problem, not the particular situation (because the situation is just what happened, not your interpretation of what happened).  And this really is good news because it gives you back the power!

(By the way, I’m not suggesting you shouldn’t think about anything as a problem; just notice that it’s your thinking that’s making the problem.)

So, you’re worried about your son because he doesn’t go to Seminary (or think about your own reason for worrying).  Your worry comes from what you’re thinking. 

So what that he doesn’t go to Seminary? 

Why does it matter to you? 

What are you making it mean?

The answers to these questions will show you what’s really the problem because your answers are what you are thinking about this situation and it’s your thinking that’s causing the worry.

Becoming aware of what it is you are thinking and then recognizing how that thinking makes you feel is a powerful first step in finding the solution to your problem.

Try it for yourself:

Name your problem.

Write down all the reasons it’s a problem.

Ask:  So what?  Why does it matter to you?  What are you making it mean?

Notice whether or not those thoughts are serving you.  But also spend some time this week noticing how those thoughts make you feel.

If you want help with this process ~ so you can finally have some peace in your own parenting situation ~ schedule a free mini-session now and I’ll help you figure out what thoughts are really causing your problem.

Right on Track

Our thoughts matter.  My thoughts matter.  Your thoughts matter.

Recently I realized that I was ~ without knowing it ~ thinking that my family was fractured.  We don’t all see things the same way.  We don’t all even believe the same things anymore.  Some individual relationships are strained.  Feelings have been hurt.  Walls have been built for protection.

Of course, when I believe my family is broken I become overwhelmed with feelings of despair and powerlessness.  In case you don’t know what that looks like it’s… lots of worry; second-guessing myself and others; and, a big desire to control things I can’t control.  Sounds like a recipe for disaster ~ when all I really want is a close, loving family.

This is where the power of awareness comes in!

When I realized I was thinking my family is damaged (and I really did NOT know that was spinning around in my head) I decided to start consciously believing something else ~ We are becoming a forever family and we’re right on track.

Seriously.  We are becoming a forever family and we’re right on track.

I mean, don’t forever families need to learn how to navigate hard times, as well as good?  Don’t forever families need to learn how to love each other unconditionally even if we may not agree with each other all the time?  Don’t forever families need to learn how to sacrifice for each other, support each other, learn from each other, forgive each other?  If the answer to any or all of these is “yes” (and I believe it is), then we are truly becoming a forever family and we’re right on track.

My heart has been full of peace and a new level of unconditional love for each member of my family since changing my paradigm.  This isn’t to say, however, that there haven’t been disappointments and disagreements in our family since I embraced this new way of seeing us, but what’s going on in my head seems to make all the difference.

What’s going on in your head?

Tired of being a mind reader?

(Image by Scott Rodgerson)

The first time one of my sons revealed to me he had been doing something he knew we didn’t approve of, my first instinct was to worry about what this said about me as a mom.  However, I remember, when I was in the throes of wondering what so-and-so would think about me when she found out, I suddenly had a stark realization:  I could spend my time worrying about what other people would think about me as a mom OR I could focus my attention on my son and help him, but there really wasn’t room in my mind for both at the same time.

We spend so much time trying to control what people think of us (or our children), trying to get approval from others, trying to “look good” for them.  But, you can’t really control someone else’s opinion.  In fact, you can never really know what someone else is thinking.  You are actually only thinking your own thoughts about the other person’s opinions.

This isn’t to say other people don’t have judgments about how we parent or about what our kids are doing, but I will tell you this:  their opinions tell you something about them, not you.  Really.  I mean, my husband loves Rocky Road ice cream but I think it’s gross.  The fact that I don’t like Rocky Road ice cream doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with it; it just means it’s not for me.

Other people can believe I don’t really love my son because I didn’t force him to go to Seminary (see “Just because they say it, doesn’t mean it’s true” for the full story).  But I know better; I know how much love I have for each one of my children ~ even if other people don’t know it.  And that’s the point.  Judgment in and of itself isn’t what hurts.  The pain comes from believing the other person’s judgment, and only you can decide to believe it… or not.

The thing about approval is this ~ we can spend so much time trying to get it from others when, ultimately, even that will feel empty if we don’t have our own approval.  And when you have your own approval you can make room in your life for the opinions of others and not make their judgments mean you’re unworthy, incapable, or just not good enough.  Doesn’t that sound freeing?!?!

If you’re tired of making parenting choices in hopes of gaining the approval of others, but you’re not sure how to break the cycle, schedule a free mini-session NOW and I’ll show you how I can help.