Lesson from my motorcycle accident

I lived in Scotland for several years while I growing up.  Every-other-summer we got to come back to the States to visit family and friends.  The summer I was 12 we spent a lot of time with our cousins riding dirt bikes.  We rode on the dirt road between my cousins’ home and my grandparent’s home; we rode along the wheat fields and to go do chores; but our favorite place to ride was on my uncle’s dirt runway because it was smooth and straight and we could pick up some speed.

Since I’m not really the adventurous type, I was usually behind one of my cousins on their bike, but eventually they made me learn how to drive.  So, late in the summer, when my brother left for a week to go to football camp, his dirt bike became mine for the week.

One afternoon, as I was cruising down the runway, enjoying the wind in my face, I suddenly realized that the runway was soon coming to an end and I was going way too fast for the bumpy ruts I was headed for.  Up until this time I hadn’t really gone super-fast while driving so I hadn’t yet learned about the danger of trying to slow down too fast.

So I fish-tailed.  And then I crashed.  And the 1255cc dirt bike landed on me, with the hot engine burning through the skin on the inside of my right leg.

My cousin got me back home where my second-degree burns were taken care of, but I remember I really wasn’t so concerned about my leg.  What had me most worried was that my brother was going to be mad because I crashed his brand new dirt bike.

That worry tortured me for several days.  (This was way before cell phones and constant communication, so my brother didn’t know about what happened until he got back from his football camp.)  I worried because he had trusted me enough to let me use his dirt bike and I didn’t take very good care of it and now it was scratched up.  I worried because I didn’t like it when he was mad at me.

Imagine my surprise the night my brother arrived home and the first thing he did was come and make sure I was OK.  He wasn’t too worried about his bike, but he was concerned about me and my bandaged leg.

So, I had spent several days worrying about something that never happened.  What a waste of time.

How much time do you spend worrying about things that haven’t happened yet?  Do you worry that your son will give up all the good things you’ve taught him?  Do you worry that he might not marry the right girl since he’s no longer associating with the Church?  Do you worry that you’ll never have your whole family together in the temple?

Sure ~ all these things might happen.  But it’s also true that they might not.  Worrying ahead of time just ensures you get to worry either way.

What could you do with the time you currently spend worrying about something that hasn’t happened yet?  I spend that time living my life and nurturing myself so I can better show up as the kind of person I want to be, especially in my relationship with my son.

If you’re ready to stop pre-worrying but aren’t quite sure how to make the change, schedule a free mini-session and I’ll show you how.  Life is certainly better with less worry.

Just give me the facts

One of the first concepts I teach my clients is that the circumstances in our lives are neutral ~ just facts ~ and so it’s not the situation we’re in that’s causing us to be happy or sad, excited or nervous, or even calm or angry.  Rather, it’s what we’re thinking about our circumstances that determine how we feel.

Take a bouquet of flowers.  When my husband brings flowers home for me I feel loved.  It lets me know he was listening when I told him I like fresh flowers because they brighten the room.  It shows me that he’s been thinking of me while we were apart.  And as I’m arranging them in a vase it reminds me of a YW leader I loved who taught me the nuances of flower arranging.  So, for me, when my husband walks through the door with flowers in his hand, I feel loved.

But I know other wives who, when they see their husbands come home with flowers, don’t necessarily see it as a gesture of love, but rather more work for them to do.  “Now I have to find a vase, trim the flowers, and try to keep them alive for a while.”

This doesn’t mean I’m a more grateful wife than one who doesn’t appreciate flowers.  This simply shows how the situation is neutral ~ husband brings home flowers ~ and how this simple, neutral act can invoke different thoughts and feelings, which proves it’s not the flowers that are causing the gratitude or angst, but what we’re thinking.

Why does this even matter?  Because if it’s the situation that’s causing our misery, then we’re doomed to be miserable until the situation changes (which is often out of our control).  But the situation is always neutral.

Even your son not going to church anymore.

Even finding hidden drug paraphernalia in your son’s closet.

Even the judgments of a sister at Church.

Circumstances are neutral ~ and that’s the good news, because what you think and feel about what’s going on is completely up to you.

If you understand this in theory but can’t wrap your mind around it in your own situation, you’re definitely not alone.  And this is where the power of coaching can be so instrumental.  If you want help in separating out the facts and what you’re thinking about them in your own situation, schedule a free mini-session now and I’ll help you see the difference.

A little gift from God

Recently, as I was checking out at the grocery store, I was given a little gift from above.

Now, I’ve gone to this particular grocery store consistently for almost a decade.  Over that period of time, even though I’m introverted, I’ve gotten to know DJ, one of the workers there, and he has gotten to know me and my youngest son, Dylan (who used to always go shopping with me).

Over the years DJ has learned about what Dylan liked in school, and what he didn’t like.  DJ would always ask about Dylan’s wrestling and swimming and scouting.  DJ felt bad when Dylan broke his collar bone (both times!) and was happy for Dylan when the healing was complete.  Even though I only see DJ a couple of times a month (at most), I always enjoy our interactions and it makes shopping (something I actually don’t like doing) a little more pleasant.

As Dylan got older he didn’t always go grocery shopping with me, but whenever I saw DJ he would ask about Dylan, always curious to know what Dylan was up to and how he was doing.  I’ve always appreciated when other adults are genuinely interested in my boys and it’s fun to talk about the great things they’re doing and have others be happy with us.

But last week, as I was scanning my groceries, I saw DJ heading my way.  I hadn’t actually seen him for a while and I knew he would ask about Dylan.  To be completely honest, I wasn’t excited for this conversation because Dylan has been living his life contrary to how he’s been raised.  While I’m not embarrassed or ashamed (I decided to give those emotions up in parenting a long time ago), I am disappointed.  I also have a hard time pretending things are wonderful when they’re not.  And I don’t like talking about the negative things people are doing.  So, what’s a mom to do?!?

I decided to be honest.  And while I didn’t go into all the nitty-gritty details, DJ understood the angst I felt.  And then came the gift:

DJ told me his oldest son had done a similar thing in his late teens, but, “You would never know it now.  He’s definitely not that person anymore, so don’t give up hope.”

A tear may or may not have appeared.

Of course, DJ has no way of knowing who Dylan will be in ten years, but… neither do I.  He could be even further away from the way he’s been taught to live… or not.  However, this short, simple encounter was a reminder to me that while I cannot force my son to live the way I want him to, there’s no guarantee that this will all end badly.  I was also reminded that other people see goodness in my son even when it’s sometimes covered up with less-than-desirable choices and behavior.

I truly have learned to not hand my emotional well-being over to others ~ especially my son!  But I still appreciate little reminders that it’s OK to look for the good and hope for the best even when I’m not sure how things will all work out.

You can, too!  And if you’d ever like to chat about your own parenting situation, I’m here for you ~ kelly@findpeaceinparenting.com.

How to make the best of an awful situation

Several times in the last few weeks friends have told me, “Wow, your perspective on that situation is incredible,” or they’ve asked, “How can you be so positive in such an awful situation?”  Sometimes I’m surprised because I don’t necessarily realize (until it’s pointed out to me) that I’m not making my experience harder by constantly believing my situation is beyond hope or by thinking I’m obviously doing something wrong otherwise this [horrible situation] wouldn’t be happening.

Sometimes I wonder if my friends just think there’s something special about me and that’s why I can handle difficult experiences from a good place.  Let me set the record straight ~ there’s nothing special about me.  I don’t say that to put myself down.  I say it because if this former perfectionist, people-pleasing, take-responsibility-for-everything-and-everyone woman (me!) can persevere through hard times with peace instead of continual angst, I guarantee anyone can do it.

As I have pondered why I can feel peace when turmoil abounds, I’ve noticed that my shift in perspective (which totally changes my own experience) includes these three ideas:  choice, opportunity, and becoming.

Choice.  When our teenage son abruptly left home one day because “anywhere has to be better than here,” my first instinct was to think I either had to be devastated by this or simply not care.  Neither one of these felt good because, for me, feeling devastated is exhausting, yet not fruitful.  Unlike the exhaustion that comes from hard, productive work (which I love), devastation still leaves me out of control, sad, and not helping myself or the situation.  And no matter how ridiculous I thought my son was being, I couldn’t pretend (and didn’t even want to pretend) that I didn’t care because it’s simply not true.

It’s easy to get stuck in all-or-nothing thinking, in believing there’s only two choices, but oftentimes there are multiple options.  Instead of feeling devastated or not caring, I chose to feel love ~ love for myself and love for my son (even though I don’t always think he deserves it).  While this hasn’t made the situation wonderful and glorious, choosing love has helped me concentrate on the things I can do rather than dwell on the parts out of my control.

Opportunity.  Another key to my more positive outlook on situations beyond my control is to see each experience as an opportunity instead of a tragedy.  And I don’t just mean an opportunity for my son to learn life lessons the hard way.  Rather, I see it as an opportunity for me to honor the gift of agency even when I disagree with how it’s being used, an opportunity for me to learn the difference between unconditional love and condoning, and an opportunity for me to trust my Heavenly Father even when I can’t see how this could possibly ever turn out OK.

It’s true that while I would never have purposely chosen to have a son of mine just up and leave home, seeing this as an opportunity to learn more about myself and things I’ve known and taught for years (agency, unconditional love, trust in Heavenly Father) has given purpose and meaning to what could have otherwise only been a disaster.

Becoming.  The third thing that has helped change my perspective when undesirable experiences are thrust upon me is the idea of “becoming.”  Sometimes in my black-and-white thinking I automatically go to “This is how it’s all going to end.  My son will always make choices we don’t agree with and he’ll always see us as the enemy.”  But what if that just isn’t true?  As much as I like to believe I have a crystal ball, I don’t.  But this I do know:  I am who I am because of the hard things I’ve endured (including the hard things I’ve brought upon myself) and I’m a work in progress.  I’m OK with my own “becoming” and it’s fine for me to be OK with my son’s “becoming.”

Life is rarely a bed of roses for anyone, but your perspective can make all the difference for you, even in situations beyond your control.

Stop beating yourself up

“It’s all my fault.”

“If I was a better mom my son wouldn’t be struggling right now.”

As valid or real as these statements can seem, especially when it feels like everything is going wrong ~ they really aren’t helpful.

After spending decades beating myself up, believing I was the cause of all of my family’s problems, I told a friend recently that in many ways the last year has been one of the best of my life even though if I looked back at the specific things that have happened it’s actually been one of the hardest years of my life.

It surprised even me when I said it has been one of the best years of my life. Be really ~ how could this even be possible when so many things went “wrong”?

The reason this has been one of the best years is because after way too long of beating myself up for being an imperfect mom, I decided to stop.  And I did.

I feel lighter just thinking about the difference between the old me and the new me.

I feel more true to myself than I ever have in my life.

I even feel like I’m truly the best mom for each one of my boys.

How would your experience in your life be different if you stopped beating yourself up?  Would there be more curiosity and less judgment?  Would there be more acceptance and less denial?  Would you be able to see that your family is just as it’s supposed to be right now and feel OK about it?

Beating yourself up can seem, in an odd way, so natural and even comfortable.  But just because it’s a habit doesn’t mean it’s a good one.  In reality, the only thing it really accomplishes is keeping the real you from showing up.

It’s time.  Time to take the gloves off.  Time to stop the insanity.  Time to live your best life.

And I promise... this is possible ~ even for you!  If you want to stop beating yourself up but aren’t quite sure how to take a step in that direction, consider scheduling a free mini-session now.  I’ll show you the first step in this process and even if you don’t want to work with me beyond the mini-session, this step can make a huge difference in your life.  Take those gloves off and start finding peace in your parenting now!

There’s always a choice

Picture by Christian Stahl

Halfway through my husband’s naval career he headed back to sea duty.  Although we had done this before, this time around we had three children so I knew it would be a very different experience.  I knew other Navy wives who became bitter about how many days each year their spouse was gone.  The last thing I wanted was to become bitter, too, so I made a conscious choice to:  1) not keep a running total of the days my husband was out to sea; and, 2) to use the time we would have normally spent together to become a better version of myself.

It’s so easy to get sucked into thinking that a hard situation can only bring you misery or resentment or heartache, but that’s simply not true.  I couldn’t change the ship’s schedule so my husband wouldn’t miss birthdays or would be there to help take care of things when I was sick or just plain tired.  I certainly couldn’t change the fact that our country was attacked on September 11, 2001, by terrorists, which meant even more separation for our family.  The only thing I had control over was what kind of person I was going to be throughout and at the end of our “sea time.”

The same principle applies when you’re in the trenches of parenting your teens and young adults.  Only you get to decide if each experience that comes your way because of the choices your son is making will leave you with an overall feeling of helplessness, hopelessness, or even bitterness.  But I guarantee it’s not the only choice.

Hope is possible.

Confidence is possible.

Even peace is possible.

Odds are these feelings of hope, confidence, and/or peace won’t automatically appear when your son tells you he’s not going to serve a mission or when he quits going to church altogether or whatever your son is doing that makes you feel anxious or at least concerned about his spiritual welfare.  But the useful feelings are still available to you.

If you felt hope, what would you do differently right now?  Perhaps you could see the lessons for good being learned (by both you and your son).

If you felt confident, what would be different in your life right now?  Perhaps you would better know when to speak up and when to be quiet.

If you felt peace in your heart right now, what would that look like?  Perhaps you would remember that we are each on a journey to learn the things Heavenly Father needs us to learn and your son’s journey is his to take and how lucky he is that you are his mom.

Your situation doesn’t define you.  You get to decide how you feel ~ even when you wish things were different.  And that’s the good news!

Parenting Problems: Take Two

Picture by Ian deng

In last week’s blog I shared how I returned to a hotel to retrieve some missing shoes only to eventually find those shoes were already in my car.  When I chose to believe this wasn’t a big deal, that it was not a reason to get upset, I got to feel love and peace, something that would not have been available to me if I was angry.

It seems kind of obvious in situations that don’t include the heartstrings of a mother.  But what if the same thing applied even when your teenage son stops going to church, doesn’t serve a mission, or even moves in with his girlfriend?

It does apply.

What you’re thinking about your problem with your son really is up to you (and that’s actually good news!).  Since your thoughts cause you to feel a certain way, ask yourself, “How do I want to feel about this?”

Let’s say your son moves in with his girlfriend.  You don’t approve of this decision, and in fact, you’ve taught him much differently, but he’s moved in with her anyway.  Your initial reaction may be one of heartbreak, anger, disappointment, or even indifference.  But my question for you is ~ How do you want to feel about this? 

I’m not suggesting you should feel delighted or even OK with it (although you certainly can if you’d like).  The truth is ~ there’s no “right” answer to how you want to feel about this.  You get to decide.

As you think about how you want to feel, you might also consider how you want to behave in this particular situation.  No matter what’s going on for me, I act differently if I’m curious rather than enraged, if I feel hope rather than despair.  And I’ve found that, especially in parenting my teens, how I behave certainly makes a difference in the situation.

So, how do you want to feel about this problem?

What feeling will help you to show up in this problem from a place of wisdom and peace?

Answers to your problems and creativity in finding solutions come so much easier when you are calm and curious.  Is what you’re doing now serving you and helping the problem?  Is there something you could think or feel that wouldn’t cause you to act from a negative space?

Different thoughts and feelings will always cause you to act differently.  Even in your situation.  Even when you can’t control other people.

If you can feel the truth in this but aren’t quite sure what a useful feeling might even be for you in your particular situation, feel free to sign up for a free mini-session and I’ll show you how.