The power of a question

Do the holidays fill you with love and purpose?  Or more like overwhelm and dread?

About a month ago I started feeling the pressure of making Christmas a magical experience.  After all, my son who abruptly left home last December will be with us this year.  My daughter-in-law will be without her husband (but she lives close to us) who just left to go overseas for a year-long unaccompanied military assignment.  And I truly love my Savior, whose birth we celebrate at this time of year.

Even though I have all these reasons to create a wonderful Christmas experience, all I felt was… Bah-humbug.

What if our son chooses not to spend Christmas with us?  How can I really make it OK for our daughter-in-law that her husband is so far away?  Oh, yes, and I’m not the best gift-giver, and I don’t want all the sugar that comes with the Christmas season.  And we don’t spent enough time thinking about Christ during His season.

Wow ~ no wonder I was feeling like Scrooge.

But then I decided I really didn’t want to be full of the doldrums this year and I knew even though I was feeling overwhelmed with it all I didn’t have to stay there.

And this is where the power of a question comes in.  Deepak Chopra teaches that our imagination can be used either for anxiety or creativity.  Once I decided I wanted to be done with the stress this Christmas season I asked myself what I really wanted.

How can I feel really great about Christmas 2018?

And then I answered myself:  Create some experiences that include some of our favorite traditions.  Don’t feel like I have to do it all.  It’s OK if everyone doesn’t love the same traditions I do; I can invite them to participate anyway but still do what I want to do even if no one else does it with me.

Asking yourself questions is a great way to direct your mind to create a future you want to have because when you ask yourself a question your brain can’t help but find the answer.  The key, though, is to ask yourself some great questions:

How can I feel good about my relationship with my son this Christmas?

How can I help my part of the world today?

How can I contribute to my family in a meaningful way?

How can I have fun and take care of myself this week?

As we move closer to Christmas what kind of experience are you expecting?  Is that what you really want?  If not, what powerful question can change your experience?  Even though you can’t always change your situation and you can rarely change other people, you can still improve your own experience by asking yourself a powerful question.

What question can change your Christmas experience?

If you’re having a hard time coming up with a powerful question, feel free to email me what’s going on and I’ll help you discover one that will make a difference for you!  You can reach me at kelly@findpeaceinparenting.com.

Is this in your way?

Recently I found myself walking into a public restroom with a grin on my face.  You see, I spent the first 40 years of my life avoiding public restrooms at all costs.  I always thought they were disgusting and it just seemed better to endure a stomach ache from a full bladder until I got home than venture into a dirty, gross bathroom that probably didn’t have any toilet paper anyway.

Then, a few years ago my husband and I went to Mexico to celebrate our anniversary.  On our way to visit some ancient Mayan ruins I encountered something that sent me in search of a restroom before we even met our tour guide.  And, as my husband enjoyed learning about Mexican culture and history, I was learning to appreciate public restrooms.

Interestingly, I had never been so grateful for a public restroom in my life… even though this one was dark and dank; even though only one toilet in the entire restroom included a toilet seat; and even though it didn’t smell very well.  There was always toilet paper, though (for which I gave a very nice tip on my 17^th and final visit, to the lady who kept it stocked).

While my Montezuma’s revenge eventually left, my new-found appreciation for public restrooms didn’t ~ and that’s why I found myself smiling the other day as I walked into a stall in a public restroom.

You see, nothing has really changed about public restrooms.  Most of the ones I’ve used since my Mexico experience aren’t usually as clean as I would like them.  Sometimes it’s so dark I’m not really even sure what’s all around me.  Often times the smell is enough to trigger my gag reflex.  But now I’m always grateful they are there when I need one ~ especially if there’s toilet paper ;).

Do you ever find yourself believing that you can never be happy again until your situation has changed?  That you can’t feel good or have peace until your son embraces the life you want him for him?

It’s easy to assume it’s the circumstances in your life that create your experience in the world, but in reality, it’s really your thinking that creates your experience.

There are definitely things that happen in our lives that we have no control over (i.e., other people, our past).  But we always have control over what we think about what’s going on; we do have control over what we make those things mean.

But… do you even know what you’re thinking?  If you often find yourself thinking, “I have no control over what's going on in my head” or if you live your life mostly reacting to what’s going on, it’s because you’re simply not aware of what you’re thinking (this doesn't mean there's something wrong with you, though; it simply means you're human).

Awareness of what’s going on in your mind is the vital first step because then you can decide if you want to keep thinking that way.  Your brain is so efficient so it likes to keep thinking the same way it always has ~ even when it’s not serving you.  Awareness allows you to understand your own thought patterns and then decide if you want to keep them.

This week I challenge you to sit for 10-15 minutes and write down the thoughts you have about your relationship with your son.  Try not to worry about what you think you should be thinking or feeling.  Allow yourself to be real about what’s going on for you as you worry about your son and the choices he’s making.

If you find these thoughts aren’t helping you find peace or the answers you are searching for, then spend some time figuring out what you want to think about what’s going on.  But not in a “positive thinking” kind of way; find something that is believable and feels good. 

And if you need help figuring any of this out, send me an email (kelly@findpeaceinparenting.com) and let me know where you’re stuck.  Finding peace is possible… even in your situation.

The unexpected consequence

(DISCLAIMER:  I am not a doctor nor do I have any medical training; what I’m about to share with you is simply my own experience, not medical advice.)

I have spent a majority of my life suffering from headaches, all kinds of headaches, everything from dull, lingering ones to full-blown migraines.  I used to think a majority of my headaches came from my wisdom teeth, but, alas, my headaches persisted even after they were taken out.  And for 20 more years.

Over the last year, as I’ve learned to become more in tune with myself (instead of mostly taking care of everyone else), as I’ve become more aware of what it is I’m feeling (yes, even me, a self-proclaimed non-feeler!), and as I’ve determined to be more proactive in living the life I want to live ~ the frequency and intensity of my headaches have greatly decreased.

But, wait!  I would never even classify myself as a “worrier” (I’m more of the “Let’s just deal with what we can deal with” kind of gal).  I’m much more logical than emotional.  In fact, I will even admit that until recently I didn’t see much use for emotions.  They always seemed (to me) to get in the way.

I’ve always believed the cause of my headaches was stress, hormones, and dehydration.  But if that’s true then how in the world can it be that during the most stressful year of my life I’ve actually been more headache-free than I ever even imagined was possible?!?  To be honest, dehydration can still spur on a headache for me and I sometimes get a dull headache around my special time of the month but neither are as intense or debilitating as they were for 20+ years.

Learning to manage my mind, even in the midst of heart-wrenching experiences, has made all the difference.  Yes, I have experienced numbness, anger, hurt, fear, and despair (and, to be fair, I’ve also lived with hope, love, peace, and joy).  Managing my mind doesn’t make it so nothing bad ever happens; it just allows me to show up in my life (the good, the bad, and the ugly parts) the way I want to be.  Oh, yeah, and with a lot less headaches.

Are you ready to be done with your own headaches (or however stress manifests itself in YOU)?  Let’s chat about what’s going on for you over a free mini-session.  I’ll show you how to start loosening your own tension.  There’s nothing to lose, except maybe a headache or two ;)

Do you have this skill?

There I sat across the table from my son.  He had asked me out on a date, a belated birthday gift.  As he sat looking at the menu I felt my mind racing, kind of like a movie on fast-forward.  Only this wasn’t some blockbuster hit. 

The memories flooding in were from the last ten months:  when he walked out the door, promising to never come back; when I reached out in love only to be harshly accused of ulterior motives; when he wouldn’t answer my calls or texts and I didn’t know where he was or how he was doing; when I heard through the grapevine that he had reached out to other people, but never us; when I “watched” him on the Snapchat map (until Snapchat changed and you had to request permission to follow location); when our plane landed one morning and I had several messages waiting for me that he was in some serious trouble, and he still wouldn’t talk to us; when I found out that he had taken advantage of some dear, kind-hearted friends; when he stopped by unexpectedly one evening to give me an early Mother’s Day card and he looked so broken and his hug was so hollow; when he told us that anywhere was better than home, even his less-than-ideal living conditions.

Tears came to my eyes as I contemplated all we have been through and I almost surprised myself with the amount of gratitude and love that I had in my heart for him, not because nothing bad had happened, not because everything was now wonderful, and not even because I sat there with false hope.  The love and gratitude I felt was because I was so grateful for this time with him and I knew that if I had lived through the last year consumed with fear and anger and hopelessness this date probably wouldn’t have happened.  (Side note:  this isn’t to say I never felt fear, anger, and hopelessness; I just didn’t become consumed by them.)

I used to believe I had to wait for life to be what it should be before I could really start enjoying it.  It was almost as if the part of my life that was good was always tainted by the other part ~ the part that was going all wrong, the part I wished was different.

Even though we know better ~ at least in theory ~ when it comes to our own situation the principle doesn’t seem to really apply.  But, it does.

There’s nothing unique about me that makes it so I can go through these tumultuous times with love and gratitude, and you can’t.  I don’t have a special gene that makes it easier for me than for you.  I’ve simply learned how to separate myself from what’s actually going on so I don’t make every bad thing that happens be my fault.  It’s a skill, and one that anyone can learn.  Even you.  Even in your situation.

To begin the process, ask yourself these questions:

Are you only thinking about the times your son does something “wrong”?  What about all the things he does “right”?  If the “wrong” is all your fault, then so is the “right” ~ proof that you’ve done plenty of things “right” in your parenting.

In any situation would your son know what you would *want* him to do?  Just because he doesn’t choose what you want him to doesn’t mean you haven’t taught him.  Just because your son makes a choice you disagree with ~ it doesn’t mean you didn’t teach him correctly.

If you’re ready to learn how to feel more love and gratitude ~ even though you’re frustrated with the choices your son is making ~ it’s totally possible.  Write down your answers to the questions above and see how they help you to begin to separate yourself from all the choices your son is making.  If you want some help figuring this out set up your free mini-session now and let your own journey towards peace in parenting begin.

GRATITUDE even in the midst of TURMOIL

Here in the United States, every fourth Thursday of November we celebrate Thanksgiving.  While it’s become a time for family and food and football, I also choose to use this time of the year to step away from the busyness of life and remember the blessings I do have even though life rarely goes the way I want it to.

Even amidst the turmoil that sometimes comes with teen and young adult children who give us a lot to worry about, there are silver linings in most clouds, and there are tender mercies and little blessings that are a part of this experience ~ even if we can’t always see them in the moment.

Here are ten things (in no particular order) I’m thankful for ~ even though I wish my son was making different choices:

#1.  I am thankful for the many other people ~ even those who have been hurt by him, too ~ who love and care about my son, those who treat him nicely when they see him.

#2.  I am thankful for technology that allows for the possibility of staying in touch with my son ~ at least during those times he is open to it.

#3.  I am thankful for the ability to cry.  Although I’m not much of a crier, crying has been cleansing for me this year.

#4.  I am thankful for my coaching work.  Not only do I get to help other moms find peace, teaching these tools demands I know and use them myself, and they’ve helped me continue to find peace in my own situation.

#5.  I am so thankful for a loving Heavenly Father that is patient with me as I learn (and re-learn) how to trust in Him.

#6.  I am thankful for the woman I’m becoming through the hard things that have come my way this year.  In an interesting way, my own testimony in my Savior is much deeper now than ever.

#7.  I am thankful for those of you who read what I write.  And those who share a little bit of your own experience with me.  As I share a part of myself with you I feel lighter and better able to handle my own parenting challenges; I hope and pray your own load is lightened, too.

#8.  I am thankful for my family who supports me in all that I do, even sharing a bit of our own family journey.  I’m especially grateful that my sons always give me their OK when I ask if I can share specific things about them with you.

#9.  I am thankful I have learned to enjoy moments instead of always worrying about “what’s coming next.”

#10.  I am thankful for learning that love is not the same as condoning and that love is not an absence of boundaries.  Love is just love.

What good has come out of your "hard" this year?  Are there blessings you have over-looked?  What are you thankful for?

Improve your relationship with your son TODAY

It was two weeks before Christmas when my son decided to walk out of our front door with no intention of returning.  I knew I had every reason in the world to be hurt, angry, disappointed, shocked, sad, and frustrated ~ and I was.  I even felt gypped.  And, I’m not going to lie, I spent a lot of time feeling all of these emotions until I realized how exhausted I was, even how bitter I was becoming, and how out of control I felt.

Yuck!  Yuck!  Yuck!

Even though the situation was out of my control, I realized I had also handed control of my own well-being over to someone who I believed wasn’t making very good choices.  That was when I knew there had to be a better way for me to show up in this situation.

Yes, this whole situation wasn’t fair, but being enraged with my son only made me feel angry and feeling resentment only made me bitter.  So I decided to figure out how I wanted to feel, what kind of mom I wanted to be, even in this awful situation. 

I decided I wanted to feel love.

Since I know thoughts and feelings are connected, I knew I’d have to stop telling myself he was a selfish brat.  Whether or not it was true (and I certainly had a lot of evidence that it was), thinking about him this way only made me frustrated.  And I wanted to feel love.  So I decided to think this instead:  This is his journey and I can love him and pray for him.

What a difference that thought was for me!  It did help me feel love and compassion, which allowed me to (mostly) behave in a way I wouldn’t have to cringe about later.

How do you want to feel about your own son?  What would you have to believe to feel that way?

Figuring this out for yourself will immediately change your relationship with your son even if nothing about him or the situation changes.  I’m living proof it is true.

If you’re ready to take your control back but aren’t quite sure how to really take that first step, I’m here to help you.  Simply sign up for a free mini-session and I’ll show you how you can start to make it happen in your own situation.

True confessions of a self-proclaimed failure

Sometimes I surprise myself.  This morning, over breakfast with a friend, I heard myself saying, “Yes, it’s been a rough year but I honestly think it’s been worth it because of all the lessons *I* have learned and who I have become through all the hard.”  I’ve actually been thinking this for a little while now so that wasn’t the surprising part.  What surprised me was that it wasn’t just something nice to say; I actually realized I believe it whole-heartedly!

This got me to thinking about how just a handful of years ago I felt like such a failure as a mom because my son didn’t have the testimony I wanted him to have ~ and he had no desire for one.  OK, that didn’t necessarily make me a failure as a mom, but it certainly meant I was a huge, fat failure as a Mormon mom.

Now, I’m the kind of person that has to reconcile things in my head.  My son had been raised in the Gospel and here he was choosing to walk away from it.  Clearly this meant I had done something wrong and therefore I had failed.  Those were the facts, as I saw it, so I worked diligently on accepting the fact that as a mom in the Church I had simply failed.

I’m pretty good at embracing what “is” so I also learned to accept the loneliness and despair that come with being a failure.  Sure, it’s heavy, but this is what I deserved for failing so miserably; it was just a natural consequence of not getting it right.

But… what dawned on me this morning is this ~ I no longer believe I’m a failure that will never quite measure up because some of my sons have left the Church.  I no longer spend my time trying to prove I’m still a worthwhile woman even though I don’t have the “perfect Mormon family.”  And guess what else?!  I am no longer lonely and weighed down by guilt and remorse over things I cannot change.

I am not saying there weren’t things I could have done differently.  And I am not saying I don’t hope and pray that my sons will eventually want to develop a relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.  But what I am saying is knowing I’m not a failure as a mom (even as a Mormon mom) has allowed me to learn valuable lessons through the ups and downs of the last year ~ lessons like how to love unconditionally (which is not the same as accepting/condoning), how to find my own peace and happiness (which isn’t dependent on the actions of others), and how to accept that each one of us ~ even my boys ~ have been given the gift of agency (for better or worse), and I really wouldn’t want it any other way.

These lessons could not have been learned if I was consumed with worry, overwhelmed with bitterness, or even numbed with anger.  And even though I would not have chosen these experiences on purpose, I will be eternally grateful for the woman I have become through them.

I don’t usually love surprises but the one that came this morning ~ I’ll take it!

Are you ready to exchange your own feelings of failure for love, gratitude, and peace?  I promise it’s possible, even for YOU.  The world ~ especially your world ~ needs the best version of you.  I would love to help you find that under all the hurt, fear, and regret.  CLICK HERE to schedule your private mini-session where I’ll help you start feeling lighter.  It’s free.  It works. 

Isn’t it time to start finding your own peace in parenting?

Do you even know how to take care of yourself?

As moms of “wayward” teenage sons, we spend a lot of time worrying and praying; we spend time trying to teach and sometimes arguing; we stay up late so we’re available for those conversations that seem only to happen in the middle of the night; or we’re up late hoping our son is safe and warm.

We also take care of the needs of our family (meals, laundry, cleaning, soothing, shopping, etc.).  We work.  As members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we also serve diligently in our callings, including our ministering assignments, as well as volunteer for extra projects because… well, because we feel like we should.

Is it any wonder you’re feeling empty, run-down, depleted?

I’m sure you’ve heard all about the importance of taking care of yourself and you probably even understand it in theory.  But now it’s time to actually start putting yourself at the top of your priority list because even you cannot pour love from an empty pitcher.

What does this even look like?  It may mean you choose to pass on signing up to take dinner to someone in need (just this once!) so you have time for that long walk you promised yourself.  It might look like giving up that late-night chat with your son (just this once!) so you can get the rest you know your body and mind need.  Perhaps you will move dinner back 45 minutes so you have time to exercise or read a book.

Expect your family to be surprised now that you are making some time for you.  It’s OK; they’ll adjust.  And remember, as you start taking care of yourself, you’ll have so much more to give to others, especially the family you love with all your heart.

3 reasons why every mom of teenage boys needs a life coach

It’s been almost a year since I became a certified life coach.  Throughout this time I have been coached a lot myself and as I look back over everything that has happened this last year I know without any doubt that even though circumstantially this has probably been the hardest parenting year of my 25 years of parenting, I am the happiest and most at peace that I have ever been in my life.

Even though…

… a son ran away from home a few weeks before Christmas (and we had a trip planned) and this time stayed away for many, many, many months.

… a son got into trouble with the law.

… a son chose to have his name removed from the records of the Church.

So how is it possible to go through all of this (and more!) and still honestly say that I am happy and at peace?!?  How can any mom feel good about herself ~ and her parenting ~ when some (or most) of her children aren’t making the kind of choices she taught them to make?  But the most important question you’re probably asking is… “Can *I* really be happy and have genuine peace in my heart even in my own situation?”

The answer is YES.

There’s nothing super special about me.  I have spent over two decades being the best mom I could be at any given time, failing, trying again, failing some more, still keep trying, and beating myself up for not being perfect enough.

But when I began learning the tools I teach through my life coaching, my whole world changed.  And that’s why I can say with such confidence…

Everyone needs a life coach, a really good one, especially moms of teenage boys.

If you want to see yourself in a way you’ve never noticed before… get yourself a life coach.

If you want to hear the truth, in a loving space, even when it’s hard to hear… get yourself a life coach.

If you want the power to create whatever result you want in your life ~ no matter what your teen is doing… get yourself a life coach.

A really good life coach can change your experience as you learn to navigate the sometimes rocky terrain of parenting teens and young adults.  But don’t take my word for it:

“Kelly will be able to help you transform your relationship with your son so that you are not just ‘getting through’ this difficult time, but so that you can thrive through these experiences.” ~ Catherine M.

“With Kelly’s help I have been able to show up as the mom I want to be and love unconditionally.” ~ Julie B.

“The personal examples she gave helped me understand the principles and skills she taught me; because I could see how they benefited her, I was able to trust that they would make a difference in my life, too.  And they have.” ~ Robyn N.

“I was surprised by the questions she asked and how she was able to draw out my thoughts and help me see what I could really do to improve how I was thinking and feeling about myself as a wife, mother, and person.” ~ Shawna Y.

Every mom of teenage boys needs a life coach.  And if I’m not your life coach, no worries.  But find a really good one.  You’ll never regret working with a life coach; you’ll only kick yourself for not doing it sooner.

To find out if Find Peace in Parenting coaching is right for you, schedule a free mini-session now and see for yourself the power of a coach.  I will coach you on one of your specific problems and give you a tool you can start using immediately.

CLICK HERE to schedule your free mini-session.

Lesson from my motorcycle accident

I lived in Scotland for several years while I growing up.  Every-other-summer we got to come back to the States to visit family and friends.  The summer I was 12 we spent a lot of time with our cousins riding dirt bikes.  We rode on the dirt road between my cousins’ home and my grandparent’s home; we rode along the wheat fields and to go do chores; but our favorite place to ride was on my uncle’s dirt runway because it was smooth and straight and we could pick up some speed.

Since I’m not really the adventurous type, I was usually behind one of my cousins on their bike, but eventually they made me learn how to drive.  So, late in the summer, when my brother left for a week to go to football camp, his dirt bike became mine for the week.

One afternoon, as I was cruising down the runway, enjoying the wind in my face, I suddenly realized that the runway was soon coming to an end and I was going way too fast for the bumpy ruts I was headed for.  Up until this time I hadn’t really gone super-fast while driving so I hadn’t yet learned about the danger of trying to slow down too fast.

So I fish-tailed.  And then I crashed.  And the 1255cc dirt bike landed on me, with the hot engine burning through the skin on the inside of my right leg.

My cousin got me back home where my second-degree burns were taken care of, but I remember I really wasn’t so concerned about my leg.  What had me most worried was that my brother was going to be mad because I crashed his brand new dirt bike.

That worry tortured me for several days.  (This was way before cell phones and constant communication, so my brother didn’t know about what happened until he got back from his football camp.)  I worried because he had trusted me enough to let me use his dirt bike and I didn’t take very good care of it and now it was scratched up.  I worried because I didn’t like it when he was mad at me.

Imagine my surprise the night my brother arrived home and the first thing he did was come and make sure I was OK.  He wasn’t too worried about his bike, but he was concerned about me and my bandaged leg.

So, I had spent several days worrying about something that never happened.  What a waste of time.

How much time do you spend worrying about things that haven’t happened yet?  Do you worry that your son will give up all the good things you’ve taught him?  Do you worry that he might not marry the right girl since he’s no longer associating with the Church?  Do you worry that you’ll never have your whole family together in the temple?

Sure ~ all these things might happen.  But it’s also true that they might not.  Worrying ahead of time just ensures you get to worry either way.

What could you do with the time you currently spend worrying about something that hasn’t happened yet?  I spend that time living my life and nurturing myself so I can better show up as the kind of person I want to be, especially in my relationship with my son.

If you’re ready to stop pre-worrying but aren’t quite sure how to make the change, schedule a free mini-session and I’ll show you how.  Life is certainly better with less worry.

Just give me the facts

One of the first concepts I teach my clients is that the circumstances in our lives are neutral ~ just facts ~ and so it’s not the situation we’re in that’s causing us to be happy or sad, excited or nervous, or even calm or angry.  Rather, it’s what we’re thinking about our circumstances that determine how we feel.

Take a bouquet of flowers.  When my husband brings flowers home for me I feel loved.  It lets me know he was listening when I told him I like fresh flowers because they brighten the room.  It shows me that he’s been thinking of me while we were apart.  And as I’m arranging them in a vase it reminds me of a YW leader I loved who taught me the nuances of flower arranging.  So, for me, when my husband walks through the door with flowers in his hand, I feel loved.

But I know other wives who, when they see their husbands come home with flowers, don’t necessarily see it as a gesture of love, but rather more work for them to do.  “Now I have to find a vase, trim the flowers, and try to keep them alive for a while.”

This doesn’t mean I’m a more grateful wife than one who doesn’t appreciate flowers.  This simply shows how the situation is neutral ~ husband brings home flowers ~ and how this simple, neutral act can invoke different thoughts and feelings, which proves it’s not the flowers that are causing the gratitude or angst, but what we’re thinking.

Why does this even matter?  Because if it’s the situation that’s causing our misery, then we’re doomed to be miserable until the situation changes (which is often out of our control).  But the situation is always neutral.

Even your son not going to church anymore.

Even finding hidden drug paraphernalia in your son’s closet.

Even the judgments of a sister at Church.

Circumstances are neutral ~ and that’s the good news, because what you think and feel about what’s going on is completely up to you.

If you understand this in theory but can’t wrap your mind around it in your own situation, you’re definitely not alone.  And this is where the power of coaching can be so instrumental.  If you want help in separating out the facts and what you’re thinking about them in your own situation, schedule a free mini-session now and I’ll help you see the difference.

A little gift from God

Recently, as I was checking out at the grocery store, I was given a little gift from above.

Now, I’ve gone to this particular grocery store consistently for almost a decade.  Over that period of time, even though I’m introverted, I’ve gotten to know DJ, one of the workers there, and he has gotten to know me and my youngest son, Dylan (who used to always go shopping with me).

Over the years DJ has learned about what Dylan liked in school, and what he didn’t like.  DJ would always ask about Dylan’s wrestling and swimming and scouting.  DJ felt bad when Dylan broke his collar bone (both times!) and was happy for Dylan when the healing was complete.  Even though I only see DJ a couple of times a month (at most), I always enjoy our interactions and it makes shopping (something I actually don’t like doing) a little more pleasant.

As Dylan got older he didn’t always go grocery shopping with me, but whenever I saw DJ he would ask about Dylan, always curious to know what Dylan was up to and how he was doing.  I’ve always appreciated when other adults are genuinely interested in my boys and it’s fun to talk about the great things they’re doing and have others be happy with us.

But last week, as I was scanning my groceries, I saw DJ heading my way.  I hadn’t actually seen him for a while and I knew he would ask about Dylan.  To be completely honest, I wasn’t excited for this conversation because Dylan has been living his life contrary to how he’s been raised.  While I’m not embarrassed or ashamed (I decided to give those emotions up in parenting a long time ago), I am disappointed.  I also have a hard time pretending things are wonderful when they’re not.  And I don’t like talking about the negative things people are doing.  So, what’s a mom to do?!?

I decided to be honest.  And while I didn’t go into all the nitty-gritty details, DJ understood the angst I felt.  And then came the gift:

DJ told me his oldest son had done a similar thing in his late teens, but, “You would never know it now.  He’s definitely not that person anymore, so don’t give up hope.”

A tear may or may not have appeared.

Of course, DJ has no way of knowing who Dylan will be in ten years, but… neither do I.  He could be even further away from the way he’s been taught to live… or not.  However, this short, simple encounter was a reminder to me that while I cannot force my son to live the way I want him to, there’s no guarantee that this will all end badly.  I was also reminded that other people see goodness in my son even when it’s sometimes covered up with less-than-desirable choices and behavior.

I truly have learned to not hand my emotional well-being over to others ~ especially my son!  But I still appreciate little reminders that it’s OK to look for the good and hope for the best even when I’m not sure how things will all work out.

You can, too!  And if you’d ever like to chat about your own parenting situation, I’m here for you ~ kelly@findpeaceinparenting.com.

How to make the best of an awful situation

Several times in the last few weeks friends have told me, “Wow, your perspective on that situation is incredible,” or they’ve asked, “How can you be so positive in such an awful situation?”  Sometimes I’m surprised because I don’t necessarily realize (until it’s pointed out to me) that I’m not making my experience harder by constantly believing my situation is beyond hope or by thinking I’m obviously doing something wrong otherwise this [horrible situation] wouldn’t be happening.

Sometimes I wonder if my friends just think there’s something special about me and that’s why I can handle difficult experiences from a good place.  Let me set the record straight ~ there’s nothing special about me.  I don’t say that to put myself down.  I say it because if this former perfectionist, people-pleasing, take-responsibility-for-everything-and-everyone woman (me!) can persevere through hard times with peace instead of continual angst, I guarantee anyone can do it.

As I have pondered why I can feel peace when turmoil abounds, I’ve noticed that my shift in perspective (which totally changes my own experience) includes these three ideas:  choice, opportunity, and becoming.

Choice.  When our teenage son abruptly left home one day because “anywhere has to be better than here,” my first instinct was to think I either had to be devastated by this or simply not care.  Neither one of these felt good because, for me, feeling devastated is exhausting, yet not fruitful.  Unlike the exhaustion that comes from hard, productive work (which I love), devastation still leaves me out of control, sad, and not helping myself or the situation.  And no matter how ridiculous I thought my son was being, I couldn’t pretend (and didn’t even want to pretend) that I didn’t care because it’s simply not true.

It’s easy to get stuck in all-or-nothing thinking, in believing there’s only two choices, but oftentimes there are multiple options.  Instead of feeling devastated or not caring, I chose to feel love ~ love for myself and love for my son (even though I don’t always think he deserves it).  While this hasn’t made the situation wonderful and glorious, choosing love has helped me concentrate on the things I can do rather than dwell on the parts out of my control.

Opportunity.  Another key to my more positive outlook on situations beyond my control is to see each experience as an opportunity instead of a tragedy.  And I don’t just mean an opportunity for my son to learn life lessons the hard way.  Rather, I see it as an opportunity for me to honor the gift of agency even when I disagree with how it’s being used, an opportunity for me to learn the difference between unconditional love and condoning, and an opportunity for me to trust my Heavenly Father even when I can’t see how this could possibly ever turn out OK.

It’s true that while I would never have purposely chosen to have a son of mine just up and leave home, seeing this as an opportunity to learn more about myself and things I’ve known and taught for years (agency, unconditional love, trust in Heavenly Father) has given purpose and meaning to what could have otherwise only been a disaster.

Becoming.  The third thing that has helped change my perspective when undesirable experiences are thrust upon me is the idea of “becoming.”  Sometimes in my black-and-white thinking I automatically go to “This is how it’s all going to end.  My son will always make choices we don’t agree with and he’ll always see us as the enemy.”  But what if that just isn’t true?  As much as I like to believe I have a crystal ball, I don’t.  But this I do know:  I am who I am because of the hard things I’ve endured (including the hard things I’ve brought upon myself) and I’m a work in progress.  I’m OK with my own “becoming” and it’s fine for me to be OK with my son’s “becoming.”

Life is rarely a bed of roses for anyone, but your perspective can make all the difference for you, even in situations beyond your control.

Stop beating yourself up

“It’s all my fault.”

“If I was a better mom my son wouldn’t be struggling right now.”

As valid or real as these statements can seem, especially when it feels like everything is going wrong ~ they really aren’t helpful.

After spending decades beating myself up, believing I was the cause of all of my family’s problems, I told a friend recently that in many ways the last year has been one of the best of my life even though if I looked back at the specific things that have happened it’s actually been one of the hardest years of my life.

It surprised even me when I said it has been one of the best years of my life. Be really ~ how could this even be possible when so many things went “wrong”?

The reason this has been one of the best years is because after way too long of beating myself up for being an imperfect mom, I decided to stop.  And I did.

I feel lighter just thinking about the difference between the old me and the new me.

I feel more true to myself than I ever have in my life.

I even feel like I’m truly the best mom for each one of my boys.

How would your experience in your life be different if you stopped beating yourself up?  Would there be more curiosity and less judgment?  Would there be more acceptance and less denial?  Would you be able to see that your family is just as it’s supposed to be right now and feel OK about it?

Beating yourself up can seem, in an odd way, so natural and even comfortable.  But just because it’s a habit doesn’t mean it’s a good one.  In reality, the only thing it really accomplishes is keeping the real you from showing up.

It’s time.  Time to take the gloves off.  Time to stop the insanity.  Time to live your best life.

And I promise... this is possible ~ even for you!  If you want to stop beating yourself up but aren’t quite sure how to take a step in that direction, consider scheduling a free mini-session now.  I’ll show you the first step in this process and even if you don’t want to work with me beyond the mini-session, this step can make a huge difference in your life.  Take those gloves off and start finding peace in your parenting now!

There’s always a choice

Picture by Christian Stahl

Halfway through my husband’s naval career he headed back to sea duty.  Although we had done this before, this time around we had three children so I knew it would be a very different experience.  I knew other Navy wives who became bitter about how many days each year their spouse was gone.  The last thing I wanted was to become bitter, too, so I made a conscious choice to:  1) not keep a running total of the days my husband was out to sea; and, 2) to use the time we would have normally spent together to become a better version of myself.

It’s so easy to get sucked into thinking that a hard situation can only bring you misery or resentment or heartache, but that’s simply not true.  I couldn’t change the ship’s schedule so my husband wouldn’t miss birthdays or would be there to help take care of things when I was sick or just plain tired.  I certainly couldn’t change the fact that our country was attacked on September 11, 2001, by terrorists, which meant even more separation for our family.  The only thing I had control over was what kind of person I was going to be throughout and at the end of our “sea time.”

The same principle applies when you’re in the trenches of parenting your teens and young adults.  Only you get to decide if each experience that comes your way because of the choices your son is making will leave you with an overall feeling of helplessness, hopelessness, or even bitterness.  But I guarantee it’s not the only choice.

Hope is possible.

Confidence is possible.

Even peace is possible.

Odds are these feelings of hope, confidence, and/or peace won’t automatically appear when your son tells you he’s not going to serve a mission or when he quits going to church altogether or whatever your son is doing that makes you feel anxious or at least concerned about his spiritual welfare.  But the useful feelings are still available to you.

If you felt hope, what would you do differently right now?  Perhaps you could see the lessons for good being learned (by both you and your son).

If you felt confident, what would be different in your life right now?  Perhaps you would better know when to speak up and when to be quiet.

If you felt peace in your heart right now, what would that look like?  Perhaps you would remember that we are each on a journey to learn the things Heavenly Father needs us to learn and your son’s journey is his to take and how lucky he is that you are his mom.

Your situation doesn’t define you.  You get to decide how you feel ~ even when you wish things were different.  And that’s the good news!

Parenting Problems: Take Two

Picture by Ian deng

In last week’s blog I shared how I returned to a hotel to retrieve some missing shoes only to eventually find those shoes were already in my car.  When I chose to believe this wasn’t a big deal, that it was not a reason to get upset, I got to feel love and peace, something that would not have been available to me if I was angry.

It seems kind of obvious in situations that don’t include the heartstrings of a mother.  But what if the same thing applied even when your teenage son stops going to church, doesn’t serve a mission, or even moves in with his girlfriend?

It does apply.

What you’re thinking about your problem with your son really is up to you (and that’s actually good news!).  Since your thoughts cause you to feel a certain way, ask yourself, “How do I want to feel about this?”

Let’s say your son moves in with his girlfriend.  You don’t approve of this decision, and in fact, you’ve taught him much differently, but he’s moved in with her anyway.  Your initial reaction may be one of heartbreak, anger, disappointment, or even indifference.  But my question for you is ~ How do you want to feel about this? 

I’m not suggesting you should feel delighted or even OK with it (although you certainly can if you’d like).  The truth is ~ there’s no “right” answer to how you want to feel about this.  You get to decide.

As you think about how you want to feel, you might also consider how you want to behave in this particular situation.  No matter what’s going on for me, I act differently if I’m curious rather than enraged, if I feel hope rather than despair.  And I’ve found that, especially in parenting my teens, how I behave certainly makes a difference in the situation.

So, how do you want to feel about this problem?

What feeling will help you to show up in this problem from a place of wisdom and peace?

Answers to your problems and creativity in finding solutions come so much easier when you are calm and curious.  Is what you’re doing now serving you and helping the problem?  Is there something you could think or feel that wouldn’t cause you to act from a negative space?

Different thoughts and feelings will always cause you to act differently.  Even in your situation.  Even when you can’t control other people.

If you can feel the truth in this but aren’t quite sure what a useful feeling might even be for you in your particular situation, feel free to sign up for a free mini-session and I’ll show you how.

Tired of your problems?

What if most of the things you think of as problems aren’t really problems?  What if your problem is really an opportunity?

Recently, we were out of town for the weekend.  We were headed to church before going home when my husband called (we were in separate cars) to tell me we had left a pair of shoes in our hotel room.  Although I knew it would mean I would be late for Sacrament meeting, I turned around to go back and get the shoes.  (FYI ~ I'm a pretty timely person and am rarely late for anything!)  After checking and re-checking the hotel room, I went back to my car and found all of our shoes safely tucked inside our shoe bag.

I could have easily been upset with myself (for not checking the bag first) or upset with my husband (for not remembering he put the shoes in the bag), OR I could choose to not make a big deal out of it.  I chose to giggle and just get back on the road.

Problems really aren’t problems until you think of them as problems (someone else could have thought it was a good thing to be late for church ;).  In fact, focusing on the problem can sometimes be the problem because it prevents you from focusing on the solution or how to move forward.

One way to shift your thinking is to ask yourself, “So what?”  Why does it matter that I returned to the hotel only to ultimately find the shoes in my trunk?  If I make it mean it’s not OK to be wrong sometimes or there’s something wrong because I was late to church or I should have pulled over and checked the bag before driving 15 minutes back to the hotel and because I didn’t there’s something wrong with me ~ If I make this experience mean any of these things, that’s where the problem lies because I have the power to interpret the situation any way I want (i.e., better to check when I was only 10 miles away instead of 60 miles).

It boils down to this:  your thinking is what causes the problem, not the particular situation (because the situation is just what happened, not your interpretation of what happened).  And this really is good news because it gives you back the power!

(By the way, I’m not suggesting you shouldn’t think about anything as a problem; just notice that it’s your thinking that’s making the problem.)

So, you’re worried about your son because he doesn’t go to Seminary (or think about your own reason for worrying).  Your worry comes from what you’re thinking. 

So what that he doesn’t go to Seminary? 

Why does it matter to you? 

What are you making it mean?

The answers to these questions will show you what’s really the problem because your answers are what you are thinking about this situation and it’s your thinking that’s causing the worry.

Becoming aware of what it is you are thinking and then recognizing how that thinking makes you feel is a powerful first step in finding the solution to your problem.

Try it for yourself:

Name your problem.

Write down all the reasons it’s a problem.

Ask:  So what?  Why does it matter to you?  What are you making it mean?

Notice whether or not those thoughts are serving you.  But also spend some time this week noticing how those thoughts make you feel.

If you want help with this process ~ so you can finally have some peace in your own parenting situation ~ schedule a free mini-session now and I’ll help you figure out what thoughts are really causing your problem.

Right on Track

Our thoughts matter.  My thoughts matter.  Your thoughts matter.

Recently I realized that I was ~ without knowing it ~ thinking that my family was fractured.  We don’t all see things the same way.  We don’t all even believe the same things anymore.  Some individual relationships are strained.  Feelings have been hurt.  Walls have been built for protection.

Of course, when I believe my family is broken I become overwhelmed with feelings of despair and powerlessness.  In case you don’t know what that looks like it’s… lots of worry; second-guessing myself and others; and, a big desire to control things I can’t control.  Sounds like a recipe for disaster ~ when all I really want is a close, loving family.

This is where the power of awareness comes in!

When I realized I was thinking my family is damaged (and I really did NOT know that was spinning around in my head) I decided to start consciously believing something else ~ We are becoming a forever family and we’re right on track.

Seriously.  We are becoming a forever family and we’re right on track.

I mean, don’t forever families need to learn how to navigate hard times, as well as good?  Don’t forever families need to learn how to love each other unconditionally even if we may not agree with each other all the time?  Don’t forever families need to learn how to sacrifice for each other, support each other, learn from each other, forgive each other?  If the answer to any or all of these is “yes” (and I believe it is), then we are truly becoming a forever family and we’re right on track.

My heart has been full of peace and a new level of unconditional love for each member of my family since changing my paradigm.  This isn’t to say, however, that there haven’t been disappointments and disagreements in our family since I embraced this new way of seeing us, but what’s going on in my head seems to make all the difference.

What’s going on in your head?

Tired of being a mind reader?

(Image by Scott Rodgerson)

The first time one of my sons revealed to me he had been doing something he knew we didn’t approve of, my first instinct was to worry about what this said about me as a mom.  However, I remember, when I was in the throes of wondering what so-and-so would think about me when she found out, I suddenly had a stark realization:  I could spend my time worrying about what other people would think about me as a mom OR I could focus my attention on my son and help him, but there really wasn’t room in my mind for both at the same time.

We spend so much time trying to control what people think of us (or our children), trying to get approval from others, trying to “look good” for them.  But, you can’t really control someone else’s opinion.  In fact, you can never really know what someone else is thinking.  You are actually only thinking your own thoughts about the other person’s opinions.

This isn’t to say other people don’t have judgments about how we parent or about what our kids are doing, but I will tell you this:  their opinions tell you something about them, not you.  Really.  I mean, my husband loves Rocky Road ice cream but I think it’s gross.  The fact that I don’t like Rocky Road ice cream doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with it; it just means it’s not for me.

Other people can believe I don’t really love my son because I didn’t force him to go to Seminary (see “Just because they say it, doesn’t mean it’s true” for the full story).  But I know better; I know how much love I have for each one of my children ~ even if other people don’t know it.  And that’s the point.  Judgment in and of itself isn’t what hurts.  The pain comes from believing the other person’s judgment, and only you can decide to believe it… or not.

The thing about approval is this ~ we can spend so much time trying to get it from others when, ultimately, even that will feel empty if we don’t have our own approval.  And when you have your own approval you can make room in your life for the opinions of others and not make their judgments mean you’re unworthy, incapable, or just not good enough.  Doesn’t that sound freeing?!?!

If you’re tired of making parenting choices in hopes of gaining the approval of others, but you’re not sure how to break the cycle, schedule a free mini-session NOW and I’ll show you how I can help.

Overcoming Anxiety

Last summer I went tubing for the first time.  I was excited for this new experience… until the boat that was pulling our tube started moving.  Suddenly, my chest seemed tight and all I could think about was getting out of the water.

My son was right by my side and I told him I was done.  Since we had just barely started, he asked me what was wrong.  I was afraid to fall off and had no idea how I would handle it if I did.

He told me to let go.

I told him he was crazy, and said, “No way.”

He said again, “Let go, Mom.  On the count of the three we’ll both let go together.”

I have no idea why I listened, but when he got to “3” I let go of the tube and almost instantly found myself bobbing up and down in the water, feeling much better, and waving to my husband to turn the boat around so we could really go tubing :)  When I talked about it later I realized a few things:  1) I had forgotten that I know how to swim; 2) I had forgotten I had a life jacket on; and 3) Immersed in my anxiety, I told myself I was going to get hurt because I had no idea what I was doing.

In this experience, my anxiety was short-lived; however, when we worry about our children, the anxiety can seem to pervade our lives, taint everything, and leave us with worry, fear, and apprehension.

Sure, anxiety is a part of life, so it’s not as if when you learn to overcome anxiety you’ll never have to deal with it again.  But knowing a few things about anxiety can help you deal with it better.  Here’s some things to know:

-          Anxiety is an uncomfortable feeling (and a feeling is just a vibration you feel in your body, which means the feeling won’t actually hurt you).

-          Anxiety is normal and natural, which means there’s not something wrong with you when you get anxious; you’re just human.

-          Anxiety in and of itself is harmless; it’s our reaction to it and resistance of it that causes problems, which means we can have some power over it.

So, what can you do to overcome the anxiety you feel when you think about the choices your son is making?  As moms, we usually try to resist or fight the anxiety (i.e., get mad at ourselves for having it), but this only increases it.  Or, we react to it (i.e., yell, rush around), but this only seems to add fuel to the fire.  Or, we avoid it (i.e., pretend it’s not there or distract ourselves with food, work, Facebook, etc.), but this only works in the moment.

There is another option, though.  It might seem counter-intuitive, but the next time you feel the anxiety welling up inside, I challenge you to… actively accept it.  Here’s how:

-          Recognize you’re feeling anxious.

-          Remind yourself nothing has gone wrong, you’re just feeling anxiety (and we’re not supposed to feel comfortable all the time).

-          Choose to accept it (which does not mean you’re giving up; it actually means you’re taking your power back).

-          Remember, thoughts cause feelings, so it’s thoughts that cause anxiety (not the situation).  Be curious about what you’re thinking.  Often times we don’t even really know what we’re thinking, so take 5-10 minutes to write, write, write down what’s going on in your head.  Don’t judge it, just write, and then notice which thoughts are causing your anxiety.  (This is NOT a time to beat yourself up or get mad at yourself for what you’re thinking.  Don’t even try to change what you’re thinking.  Just notice what you’re thinking and let yourself be/understand.)

-          Specifically describe how your anxiety feels in your body.  Where do you feel it?  (Scan your body from your toes to your head.)  What does it feel like?  (Say you feel it in your shoulders ~ Is it hard like a rock?  Heavy?)  Describing how the anxiety feels allows you to observe it; it also helps you understand that it’s just a vibration you feel somewhere in your body and it’s not necessary to avoid it.

-          Breathe.  Inhale until your belly is full, then exhale slowly and fully.

When you choose to actively accept the anxiety you feel, you own it.  It doesn’t make it disappear, but it does put you back in control.  Anxiety doesn’t mean something has gone terribly wrong; it means you’re alive.  And since it’s an emotion you’ll get to experience on a regular basis, remember, it’s not a problem until you make it a problem by resisting it, avoiding it, or reacting to it.

If you would like some help learning how to accept the anxiety you feel, email me at kelly@findpeaceinparenting.com to set up a free mini-session today.  We can talk about your own specific situation and see if my Find Peace in Parenting program is a good fit for you.  There’s nothing to lose… except some of your worry ;)