The Uncharted Trail

Sometimes my husband and I like to go hiking.  When we don’t have an entire day to devote to playing, but still want to get out in nature, we have our go-to canyon that’s fairly close to home, includes a moderate hike, and has beautiful views.  We’ve hiked in this canyon multiple times, usually making our way to the top of the rim, enjoying the view, and then going back down the same way we went up.

Recently, however, we decided to go down a different way so we could see some other sites in this gorgeous canyon.  We had forgotten to grab a map but figured we could find our way ~ or else we would just turn around and go back the way we’d come… if we needed to.

Our hike up to the canyon rim was nice and familiar.  After making our way to the top and taking some time to enjoy the view and eat breakfast, it was time to keep going.  The canyon rim was longer than we expected.  As we continued to walk, with the temperatures rising, we began to wonder when we would find the path that would take us back down into some shade.

When we stumbled upon a rattlesnake we almost turned around, but decided to keep going on the path that was new to us.

After passing various clumps of trees, each time sure we were to see the path that would take us down into the canyon, only to find more boulders and trees, we asked a fellow hiker (who was heading in the opposite direction) how far we had to go before the descent began.  We were closer than we thought!

As we made our way back down into the canyon we got to see some new sites, like an old, crumbling dam and a glittering waterfall.  There were sporadic signs to point the way, but we also came upon forks in the path; sometimes we chose the right way and sometimes we had to turn around and take the other path.  We enjoyed the new experience, but there were also times we wondered when it would end (especially when we ran out of water!).  But by the time we got back to our car we were grateful for the new things we saw and the lessons we learned along the way.

Hiking on this new (to us) trail, when we weren’t quite prepared and we didn’t quite know where we were going, reminded me of the unchartered trail we sometimes get to travel as moms.

I had some definite expectations as my boys moved into their young adult lives.  I had a map that showed the course they were “supposed” to take.  As some of them choose a different way I sometimes feel lost and alone, sometimes I’m scared of the dangers that are out there, and sometimes I get tired of the new terrain.

However, staying stuck and afraid and exhausted isn’t the only option as you travel down this road you’d rather not be on.  Sure, there are probably dangers along the way, but you can navigate your way safely around them.  It’s also important to remember that even when you’re in new territory and unsure of exactly where you’re headed, there *are* fellow travelers that can guide you.  And whether you see this as an opportunity or an unbearable burden will make all of the difference ~ for you.

What would happen if you embraced this new opportunity to learn the value of agency and to learn how to love unconditionally?  Wishing you weren’t on this path won’t make it go away.  So, since you’re here anyway, why not make the best of it? 

Learning to find peace in a situation you can’t change is a valuable skill to have.  There’s no better time to do it than now.  Peace *can* be yours.

If you’d like to chat with someone who’s learned to find peace in her parenting, I’m just an email way (kelly@findpeaceinparenting.com).  You don’t have to traverse this uncharted trail all alone.  I’ve done it alone and I’ve done it with support.  With support is so much better.

Your brain ~ more powerful than you think

Our brains are so powerful.

Recently I heard someone say something like, “I decided years ago that I would look good in every picture, and I have ever since.”

I generally hate having my picture taken ~ or rather, I don’t like seeing myself in pictures.  However, after hearing the above comment I decided to see if believing I look good in every picture taken of me would change what I saw.  This time of year ~ with the beginning of summer and family get-togethers ~ has given me ample opportunity to test it out.  This is what I’ve discovered…

It is true.

Since changing my mindset about myself in pictures I have enjoyed the multitude of photos taken at family celebrations, a women’s church activity (including video of me learning some dance steps), and a hike with my hubby.  I don’t weigh less in these pictures than when I originally heard I could believe I look good in every picture.  Nothing has changed… except for the way I think about myself in pictures.

My brain is powerful.  Your brain is powerful.

So, what would happen if you chose to think something different about your current situation with your teenage son?  Assuming you’ve done everything you can to change his current choices, to alter the path he is on, to make things be different… but nothing has changed ~ what have you got to lose by experimenting with some other thoughts about your son, something different than “This shouldn’t be happening” or “I’m such a failure as a mom”?  Is it possible that…

This is his journey and you can love him and pray for him through all the ups-and-downs.

He’s learning and we all learn by doing.

Nobody could be his Mom better than you.

You are enough.

Often our brains are on automatic pilot, and we all have our favorite go-to thoughts.  But because our minds are so powerful we *can* redirect them if our current thoughts aren’t helping us be who we really want to be in this situation.

Pick a useful thought from above (or one you’ve thought of yourself) and start practicing it several times a day.  What changes for you?  How is your day different by spending a few minutes thinking “Nobody could be his mom better than me” or “This is his journey and I can love him and pray for him through it all”?

I’d love to hear about your experience.  Comment below or email me at kelly@findpeaceinparenting.com

The day my head DIDN’T explode!

One afternoon, my son and I got into a heated argument.  I can’t even remember now what it was about, yet this was a pivotal moment for me.  As he stomped off upstairs, I sat on the couch feeling so infuriated my head felt like it was going to explode.  And yet, as I saw his feet disappear at the top of the stairs I had this stark realization ~ my depth of anger for my son at that moment equaled the depth of my love for him.  All of the sudden the anger that had scared me just a moment before seemed OK.  In fact, I actually embraced it because in some weird way it also reflected the great love I had (and still have!) in my heart for him.

Oftentimes we mistakenly believe that happiness is the absence of negative emotion.  But that’s not really the case.  Happiness is actually the joy you feel as you’re working towards your potential.  And guess what?!  Working towards your potential *will* involve overcoming obstacles, which also means experiencing some undesirable emotion along the way.

Resisting negative emotion (a.k.a., pretending it’s not really there) doesn’t make it go away.  In fact, resisting emotion creates so many problems (i.e., feeling stuck, physical ailments) and it keeps us from experiencing what it is to truly be alive.

The next time you find yourself buffering from a negative emotion (i.e., distracting yourself with social media, food, exercise, etc.), try allowing yourself to feel that emotion instead.

Name the emotion.  Notice where you actually feel it in your body.  Allow it to be there (sometimes acknowledging out loud can help, “This is [regret].  I’m feeling [regret]”).  Get out some paper and write down everything in your head.  Don’t judge it, just allow it, and be curious.

Allowing yourself to feel the negative emotion, instead of resist it, will enable it to actually go away ~ which is very different than pretending it’s not really there.  It allows you to be a real human being living here on the earth where we’re supposed to experience the good and the bad.

There is no hope without disappointment.

There is no joy without sorrow.

There is no faith without doubt.

What Mattered Most… to me

The afternoon my son first told me he wasn’t going to serve a mission I definitely had lots of thoughts swirling around my head about his testimony, his eternal welfare, and what other choices this decision would lead to.  But honestly, what concerned me most was maintaining a close relationship with him.  I had heard about ~ and even seen with my own eyes ~ how some parents virtually disown their children for “straying off the path” and how some kids believe (whether it’s true or not) they can’t do anything right in their parent’s eyes and how that becomes a wedge between them.  I knew the former wouldn’t be an issue, but I was concerned about the latter.  And I was determined not to let it happen.

In the ensuing days, weeks, and months ~ with the goal of making my relationship with my son even better ~ I purposely spent time figuring out how to stay connected to him and then I acted.  I stayed interested in the things that mattered to him, made sure to be available as he came-and-went, took time to listen, supported him in his activities, and still taught him correct principles.

Of course, none of this was anything extraordinary, but concentrating on what I wanted (a close relationship with my son) rather than dwelling on the “could’ve, would’ve, should’ve’ s,” has made all the difference. And 4½ years later, we are closer and better connected than ever!

If you want to create the best relationship possible with your son ~ no matter what ~ SIGN UP NOW for a free mini-session.  It only takes 30 minutes ~ and if we’re not a right fit for each other you’ll still leave the mini-session with some good help to get you started.

Lessons from my old high school track

My husband and I recently went “home” to visit my parents.  One morning we woke up and went into town to run/walk around the high school track so we could get our 2-3 miles in for the day.  As I started my second or third lap I found myself smiling as I remembered telling myself, almost 30 years ago, that I would *never* run again.

You see, I’m not a runner, but when I was on the high school track team (I threw the discus) my coach asked me to “run the 2-mile” whenever there were so few girls in the race that all I had to do was finish and we would get team points.  I did it ~ for the team ~ but hated every step, and so when I approached the final finish line of my last 2-mile race I promised myself I would never run again unless it was to save the life of a child!  And I meant it.

Fast-forward 20-some years and I actually paid money to run in a 5K race (but that's a story for another time); and since that experience I actually enjoy jogging with some real running sprinkled in sometimes ;).  And that’s why I found myself smiling as I realized I was running ~ because I chose to ~ around the same track where I had declared, at the age of 17, I would never run again.

As our teenage sons struggle with their testimonies or blatantly make choices contrary to what we’ve taught them, it’s easy for us to believe they will never change their minds, never remember all the things they know, never find their way back to the Gospel again.

But, do you still firmly believe everything you were most adamant about when you were a teenager?  Or even a young adult?

I don’t.  And that made my run around my old high school track even sweeter.

My son may be on a different path than I imagined he would be, but I can still love him through the ups-and-downs of his journey because I know he won’t always see things the way he does right now.  Being the mom, even through challenging times, is so much better from a place of love rather than from constant worry.

If you would like to learn how to love more and worry less, email me at kelly@findpeaceinparenting.com OR set up a free mini-session now.  My Find Peace in Parenting coaching has already helped LDS moms with wayward teenage sons.  During your mini-session we’ll see if my coaching would be a good fit for you, too!

Are you defensive?

I’ve been thinking a lot about “defensiveness” lately.  My pondering was first sparked by a conversation with a friend a few months ago.  This conversation got me to wondering just what defensiveness is all about.  So, I’ve become a “watcher” of sorts.  Life gives me lots of opportunities to see “defensiveness” in action ~ both in my own life and in the lives of others.  Here are some of the things I’ve observed:

When I’m defensive it usually masks the fear I feel, fear that maybe I’m wrong, fear that I’m not good enough, sometimes even fear that I’m not accepted.

Sometimes I use my defensiveness as a means to avoid taking a look at myself and instead blame the other person because he or she doesn’t see things like me.

I have even noticed my defensiveness is sometimes just a habit.  It seems I often assume others think I’m way off base so I lead with defensiveness as a protection.

Recently I sat in a meeting where there was much discussion about how we can ensure our boys are prepared to serve missions.  I felt myself becoming defensive.  But I chose not to stay there.  I let go of the fear, let go of my own preconceived judgments of others, and instead added my own thoughts and perspectives from a place of love.  What a difference it made!

How does defensiveness make you act?  It might be interesting to take a step back and see.

Control ~ who wants it?

The first time my oldest son got behind the wheel and drove us to the neighborhood post office I almost threw up.  By the time we made it into our parking spot I was dizzy and wondered how in the world I was ever going to make it back home.  Looking back at this experience, I now realize that it had a lot more to do with my lack of control over the situation rather than his driving skills.

At that time in our family I had virtually done most of the driving.  I had no idea I would have such a reaction to sitting in the passenger seat with my 15-year-old behind the wheel.  I didn’t have control of how we turned, how he reacted to other drivers on the road, or even how to park in the tiny parking spaces found in most southern California parking lots.

It turns out this was a wake-up call to me in the amount of control I believed I had over the different aspects of my life.  It seemed to open the flood gates to the realization that I really couldn’t control as much as I thought I could.  Yes, opening my eyes to this reality was disconcerting at first, but after I finally wrapped my head around it I must say it was (and is) rather liberating to know that all of what happens in life doesn’t rest solely on my shoulders.  There are things that happen in life that I have no control over ~ thank goodness!

What I do control ~ where my power really lies ~ is how I choose to show up in any situation.  

If you find yourself not showing up the way you really want to ~ email me NOW at kelly@findpeaceinparenting.com and I'll show you how you can become the mom of teenage sons YOU want to be... no matter what they are choosing.