The power of a question

Do the holidays fill you with love and purpose?  Or more like overwhelm and dread?

About a month ago I started feeling the pressure of making Christmas a magical experience.  After all, my son who abruptly left home last December will be with us this year.  My daughter-in-law will be without her husband (but she lives close to us) who just left to go overseas for a year-long unaccompanied military assignment.  And I truly love my Savior, whose birth we celebrate at this time of year.

Even though I have all these reasons to create a wonderful Christmas experience, all I felt was… Bah-humbug.

What if our son chooses not to spend Christmas with us?  How can I really make it OK for our daughter-in-law that her husband is so far away?  Oh, yes, and I’m not the best gift-giver, and I don’t want all the sugar that comes with the Christmas season.  And we don’t spent enough time thinking about Christ during His season.

Wow ~ no wonder I was feeling like Scrooge.

But then I decided I really didn’t want to be full of the doldrums this year and I knew even though I was feeling overwhelmed with it all I didn’t have to stay there.

And this is where the power of a question comes in.  Deepak Chopra teaches that our imagination can be used either for anxiety or creativity.  Once I decided I wanted to be done with the stress this Christmas season I asked myself what I really wanted.

How can I feel really great about Christmas 2018?

And then I answered myself:  Create some experiences that include some of our favorite traditions.  Don’t feel like I have to do it all.  It’s OK if everyone doesn’t love the same traditions I do; I can invite them to participate anyway but still do what I want to do even if no one else does it with me.

Asking yourself questions is a great way to direct your mind to create a future you want to have because when you ask yourself a question your brain can’t help but find the answer.  The key, though, is to ask yourself some great questions:

How can I feel good about my relationship with my son this Christmas?

How can I help my part of the world today?

How can I contribute to my family in a meaningful way?

How can I have fun and take care of myself this week?

As we move closer to Christmas what kind of experience are you expecting?  Is that what you really want?  If not, what powerful question can change your experience?  Even though you can’t always change your situation and you can rarely change other people, you can still improve your own experience by asking yourself a powerful question.

What question can change your Christmas experience?

If you’re having a hard time coming up with a powerful question, feel free to email me what’s going on and I’ll help you discover one that will make a difference for you!  You can reach me at kelly@findpeaceinparenting.com.

Is this in your way?

Recently I found myself walking into a public restroom with a grin on my face.  You see, I spent the first 40 years of my life avoiding public restrooms at all costs.  I always thought they were disgusting and it just seemed better to endure a stomach ache from a full bladder until I got home than venture into a dirty, gross bathroom that probably didn’t have any toilet paper anyway.

Then, a few years ago my husband and I went to Mexico to celebrate our anniversary.  On our way to visit some ancient Mayan ruins I encountered something that sent me in search of a restroom before we even met our tour guide.  And, as my husband enjoyed learning about Mexican culture and history, I was learning to appreciate public restrooms.

Interestingly, I had never been so grateful for a public restroom in my life… even though this one was dark and dank; even though only one toilet in the entire restroom included a toilet seat; and even though it didn’t smell very well.  There was always toilet paper, though (for which I gave a very nice tip on my 17^th and final visit, to the lady who kept it stocked).

While my Montezuma’s revenge eventually left, my new-found appreciation for public restrooms didn’t ~ and that’s why I found myself smiling the other day as I walked into a stall in a public restroom.

You see, nothing has really changed about public restrooms.  Most of the ones I’ve used since my Mexico experience aren’t usually as clean as I would like them.  Sometimes it’s so dark I’m not really even sure what’s all around me.  Often times the smell is enough to trigger my gag reflex.  But now I’m always grateful they are there when I need one ~ especially if there’s toilet paper ;).

Do you ever find yourself believing that you can never be happy again until your situation has changed?  That you can’t feel good or have peace until your son embraces the life you want him for him?

It’s easy to assume it’s the circumstances in your life that create your experience in the world, but in reality, it’s really your thinking that creates your experience.

There are definitely things that happen in our lives that we have no control over (i.e., other people, our past).  But we always have control over what we think about what’s going on; we do have control over what we make those things mean.

But… do you even know what you’re thinking?  If you often find yourself thinking, “I have no control over what's going on in my head” or if you live your life mostly reacting to what’s going on, it’s because you’re simply not aware of what you’re thinking (this doesn't mean there's something wrong with you, though; it simply means you're human).

Awareness of what’s going on in your mind is the vital first step because then you can decide if you want to keep thinking that way.  Your brain is so efficient so it likes to keep thinking the same way it always has ~ even when it’s not serving you.  Awareness allows you to understand your own thought patterns and then decide if you want to keep them.

This week I challenge you to sit for 10-15 minutes and write down the thoughts you have about your relationship with your son.  Try not to worry about what you think you should be thinking or feeling.  Allow yourself to be real about what’s going on for you as you worry about your son and the choices he’s making.

If you find these thoughts aren’t helping you find peace or the answers you are searching for, then spend some time figuring out what you want to think about what’s going on.  But not in a “positive thinking” kind of way; find something that is believable and feels good. 

And if you need help figuring any of this out, send me an email (kelly@findpeaceinparenting.com) and let me know where you’re stuck.  Finding peace is possible… even in your situation.

The unexpected consequence

(DISCLAIMER:  I am not a doctor nor do I have any medical training; what I’m about to share with you is simply my own experience, not medical advice.)

I have spent a majority of my life suffering from headaches, all kinds of headaches, everything from dull, lingering ones to full-blown migraines.  I used to think a majority of my headaches came from my wisdom teeth, but, alas, my headaches persisted even after they were taken out.  And for 20 more years.

Over the last year, as I’ve learned to become more in tune with myself (instead of mostly taking care of everyone else), as I’ve become more aware of what it is I’m feeling (yes, even me, a self-proclaimed non-feeler!), and as I’ve determined to be more proactive in living the life I want to live ~ the frequency and intensity of my headaches have greatly decreased.

But, wait!  I would never even classify myself as a “worrier” (I’m more of the “Let’s just deal with what we can deal with” kind of gal).  I’m much more logical than emotional.  In fact, I will even admit that until recently I didn’t see much use for emotions.  They always seemed (to me) to get in the way.

I’ve always believed the cause of my headaches was stress, hormones, and dehydration.  But if that’s true then how in the world can it be that during the most stressful year of my life I’ve actually been more headache-free than I ever even imagined was possible?!?  To be honest, dehydration can still spur on a headache for me and I sometimes get a dull headache around my special time of the month but neither are as intense or debilitating as they were for 20+ years.

Learning to manage my mind, even in the midst of heart-wrenching experiences, has made all the difference.  Yes, I have experienced numbness, anger, hurt, fear, and despair (and, to be fair, I’ve also lived with hope, love, peace, and joy).  Managing my mind doesn’t make it so nothing bad ever happens; it just allows me to show up in my life (the good, the bad, and the ugly parts) the way I want to be.  Oh, yeah, and with a lot less headaches.

Are you ready to be done with your own headaches (or however stress manifests itself in YOU)?  Let’s chat about what’s going on for you over a free mini-session.  I’ll show you how to start loosening your own tension.  There’s nothing to lose, except maybe a headache or two ;)

Do you have this skill?

There I sat across the table from my son.  He had asked me out on a date, a belated birthday gift.  As he sat looking at the menu I felt my mind racing, kind of like a movie on fast-forward.  Only this wasn’t some blockbuster hit. 

The memories flooding in were from the last ten months:  when he walked out the door, promising to never come back; when I reached out in love only to be harshly accused of ulterior motives; when he wouldn’t answer my calls or texts and I didn’t know where he was or how he was doing; when I heard through the grapevine that he had reached out to other people, but never us; when I “watched” him on the Snapchat map (until Snapchat changed and you had to request permission to follow location); when our plane landed one morning and I had several messages waiting for me that he was in some serious trouble, and he still wouldn’t talk to us; when I found out that he had taken advantage of some dear, kind-hearted friends; when he stopped by unexpectedly one evening to give me an early Mother’s Day card and he looked so broken and his hug was so hollow; when he told us that anywhere was better than home, even his less-than-ideal living conditions.

Tears came to my eyes as I contemplated all we have been through and I almost surprised myself with the amount of gratitude and love that I had in my heart for him, not because nothing bad had happened, not because everything was now wonderful, and not even because I sat there with false hope.  The love and gratitude I felt was because I was so grateful for this time with him and I knew that if I had lived through the last year consumed with fear and anger and hopelessness this date probably wouldn’t have happened.  (Side note:  this isn’t to say I never felt fear, anger, and hopelessness; I just didn’t become consumed by them.)

I used to believe I had to wait for life to be what it should be before I could really start enjoying it.  It was almost as if the part of my life that was good was always tainted by the other part ~ the part that was going all wrong, the part I wished was different.

Even though we know better ~ at least in theory ~ when it comes to our own situation the principle doesn’t seem to really apply.  But, it does.

There’s nothing unique about me that makes it so I can go through these tumultuous times with love and gratitude, and you can’t.  I don’t have a special gene that makes it easier for me than for you.  I’ve simply learned how to separate myself from what’s actually going on so I don’t make every bad thing that happens be my fault.  It’s a skill, and one that anyone can learn.  Even you.  Even in your situation.

To begin the process, ask yourself these questions:

Are you only thinking about the times your son does something “wrong”?  What about all the things he does “right”?  If the “wrong” is all your fault, then so is the “right” ~ proof that you’ve done plenty of things “right” in your parenting.

In any situation would your son know what you would *want* him to do?  Just because he doesn’t choose what you want him to doesn’t mean you haven’t taught him.  Just because your son makes a choice you disagree with ~ it doesn’t mean you didn’t teach him correctly.

If you’re ready to learn how to feel more love and gratitude ~ even though you’re frustrated with the choices your son is making ~ it’s totally possible.  Write down your answers to the questions above and see how they help you to begin to separate yourself from all the choices your son is making.  If you want some help figuring this out set up your free mini-session now and let your own journey towards peace in parenting begin.

GRATITUDE even in the midst of TURMOIL

Here in the United States, every fourth Thursday of November we celebrate Thanksgiving.  While it’s become a time for family and food and football, I also choose to use this time of the year to step away from the busyness of life and remember the blessings I do have even though life rarely goes the way I want it to.

Even amidst the turmoil that sometimes comes with teen and young adult children who give us a lot to worry about, there are silver linings in most clouds, and there are tender mercies and little blessings that are a part of this experience ~ even if we can’t always see them in the moment.

Here are ten things (in no particular order) I’m thankful for ~ even though I wish my son was making different choices:

#1.  I am thankful for the many other people ~ even those who have been hurt by him, too ~ who love and care about my son, those who treat him nicely when they see him.

#2.  I am thankful for technology that allows for the possibility of staying in touch with my son ~ at least during those times he is open to it.

#3.  I am thankful for the ability to cry.  Although I’m not much of a crier, crying has been cleansing for me this year.

#4.  I am thankful for my coaching work.  Not only do I get to help other moms find peace, teaching these tools demands I know and use them myself, and they’ve helped me continue to find peace in my own situation.

#5.  I am so thankful for a loving Heavenly Father that is patient with me as I learn (and re-learn) how to trust in Him.

#6.  I am thankful for the woman I’m becoming through the hard things that have come my way this year.  In an interesting way, my own testimony in my Savior is much deeper now than ever.

#7.  I am thankful for those of you who read what I write.  And those who share a little bit of your own experience with me.  As I share a part of myself with you I feel lighter and better able to handle my own parenting challenges; I hope and pray your own load is lightened, too.

#8.  I am thankful for my family who supports me in all that I do, even sharing a bit of our own family journey.  I’m especially grateful that my sons always give me their OK when I ask if I can share specific things about them with you.

#9.  I am thankful I have learned to enjoy moments instead of always worrying about “what’s coming next.”

#10.  I am thankful for learning that love is not the same as condoning and that love is not an absence of boundaries.  Love is just love.

What good has come out of your "hard" this year?  Are there blessings you have over-looked?  What are you thankful for?

Improve your relationship with your son TODAY

It was two weeks before Christmas when my son decided to walk out of our front door with no intention of returning.  I knew I had every reason in the world to be hurt, angry, disappointed, shocked, sad, and frustrated ~ and I was.  I even felt gypped.  And, I’m not going to lie, I spent a lot of time feeling all of these emotions until I realized how exhausted I was, even how bitter I was becoming, and how out of control I felt.

Yuck!  Yuck!  Yuck!

Even though the situation was out of my control, I realized I had also handed control of my own well-being over to someone who I believed wasn’t making very good choices.  That was when I knew there had to be a better way for me to show up in this situation.

Yes, this whole situation wasn’t fair, but being enraged with my son only made me feel angry and feeling resentment only made me bitter.  So I decided to figure out how I wanted to feel, what kind of mom I wanted to be, even in this awful situation. 

I decided I wanted to feel love.

Since I know thoughts and feelings are connected, I knew I’d have to stop telling myself he was a selfish brat.  Whether or not it was true (and I certainly had a lot of evidence that it was), thinking about him this way only made me frustrated.  And I wanted to feel love.  So I decided to think this instead:  This is his journey and I can love him and pray for him.

What a difference that thought was for me!  It did help me feel love and compassion, which allowed me to (mostly) behave in a way I wouldn’t have to cringe about later.

How do you want to feel about your own son?  What would you have to believe to feel that way?

Figuring this out for yourself will immediately change your relationship with your son even if nothing about him or the situation changes.  I’m living proof it is true.

If you’re ready to take your control back but aren’t quite sure how to really take that first step, I’m here to help you.  Simply sign up for a free mini-session and I’ll show you how you can start to make it happen in your own situation.

True confessions of a self-proclaimed failure

Sometimes I surprise myself.  This morning, over breakfast with a friend, I heard myself saying, “Yes, it’s been a rough year but I honestly think it’s been worth it because of all the lessons *I* have learned and who I have become through all the hard.”  I’ve actually been thinking this for a little while now so that wasn’t the surprising part.  What surprised me was that it wasn’t just something nice to say; I actually realized I believe it whole-heartedly!

This got me to thinking about how just a handful of years ago I felt like such a failure as a mom because my son didn’t have the testimony I wanted him to have ~ and he had no desire for one.  OK, that didn’t necessarily make me a failure as a mom, but it certainly meant I was a huge, fat failure as a Mormon mom.

Now, I’m the kind of person that has to reconcile things in my head.  My son had been raised in the Gospel and here he was choosing to walk away from it.  Clearly this meant I had done something wrong and therefore I had failed.  Those were the facts, as I saw it, so I worked diligently on accepting the fact that as a mom in the Church I had simply failed.

I’m pretty good at embracing what “is” so I also learned to accept the loneliness and despair that come with being a failure.  Sure, it’s heavy, but this is what I deserved for failing so miserably; it was just a natural consequence of not getting it right.

But… what dawned on me this morning is this ~ I no longer believe I’m a failure that will never quite measure up because some of my sons have left the Church.  I no longer spend my time trying to prove I’m still a worthwhile woman even though I don’t have the “perfect Mormon family.”  And guess what else?!  I am no longer lonely and weighed down by guilt and remorse over things I cannot change.

I am not saying there weren’t things I could have done differently.  And I am not saying I don’t hope and pray that my sons will eventually want to develop a relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.  But what I am saying is knowing I’m not a failure as a mom (even as a Mormon mom) has allowed me to learn valuable lessons through the ups and downs of the last year ~ lessons like how to love unconditionally (which is not the same as accepting/condoning), how to find my own peace and happiness (which isn’t dependent on the actions of others), and how to accept that each one of us ~ even my boys ~ have been given the gift of agency (for better or worse), and I really wouldn’t want it any other way.

These lessons could not have been learned if I was consumed with worry, overwhelmed with bitterness, or even numbed with anger.  And even though I would not have chosen these experiences on purpose, I will be eternally grateful for the woman I have become through them.

I don’t usually love surprises but the one that came this morning ~ I’ll take it!

Are you ready to exchange your own feelings of failure for love, gratitude, and peace?  I promise it’s possible, even for YOU.  The world ~ especially your world ~ needs the best version of you.  I would love to help you find that under all the hurt, fear, and regret.  CLICK HERE to schedule your private mini-session where I’ll help you start feeling lighter.  It’s free.  It works. 

Isn’t it time to start finding your own peace in parenting?