Just because they say it, doesn’t mean it’s true

Like a lot of other LDS families, our drive home after church usually consists of me asking everyone else what they learned.  Oftentimes the answers from my kids is short and sweet, and sometimes superficial.  But not always.

One Sunday the answer to this question surprised me when my youngest son said, “So-and-so said you guys don’t really love Jason (his brother who chose not to serve a mission) because you just let him do whatever he wants.”

What?!?  How dare anyone say (or think!) we don’t love our son because we don’t force him to serve a mission!  What gives them the right to judge our love for our children?  Or our parenting?

This line of thinking and questioning continued in my head long after our discussion about it ended.  To be honest, for a while I asked myself a lot of “what-if” questions.  And I began wondering who else was thinking we were failing as parents.  And then I started spending way too much time assuming I knew what other people thought about our family ~ none of it good, of course.

This destructive spiraling downward continued until one day I realized something I had taught my children many, many times applied to me and this situation, too:  Just because they say it, doesn’t mean it’s true.  I know how much I love my kids (and they know how much I love them, too!).  And then I began wondering, “What does my son’s choice to not serve a mission say about me?”  Pondering this question took me to an interesting place.  (Be sure to read my next blog if you’re interested in the answer!)

Agency is for the birds… or is it?

As a life-long Mormon, the whole idea of agency has always been a part of my understanding.  I learned about it in classes at church, through my own studies, and it’s actually one of the principles of the Gospel I love teaching the most.  I truly believe it’s God’s way.  Or, at least I did…

When my son told me he wasn’t going to serve a mission for the Church, my total belief in agency wasn’t so rock-solid anymore.  I mean, didn’t it just apply to those making “good” choices (you know, the choices I would make)?  Should teenagers really get to make these kinds of decisions for themselves?  Just this once ~ can’t I make him understand that my way (or, um, I mean God’s way!) is best?

It took me a while to realize that even though it meant things probably wouldn’t go the way I had planned, the way I had envisioned them, if freedom to choose was really God’s way I would fully embrace it, too, and not just for myself but even for my son (and others!).

If you find yourself questioning whether or not agency really is all it’s cracked up to be, especially since realizing your son is not going to serve a mission, you’re not alone.  And, better yet, you don’t have to navigate all of your conflicting thoughts and feelings alone.  You can find some peace even though you wish your son would change his mind and serve a mission.  I would be honored to help you find that peace.  If you’d like to chat about it, send me an email at kelly@findpeaceinparenting.com; I’d love to hear from you!

This is NOT really happening…

I sat at the kitchen table, looking at my son, wondering if I had heard him correctly.  Did he really just say he wasn’t going to serve a mission?

Time seemed to stand still, yet a million thoughts flooded my mind.  How could this be?  We had talked about missions, saved for missions, he knew the gospel, his brother was across the world serving a mission, and yet here I was listening to my son speak the words I somehow knew were coming.

But even though the spirit had whispered to my heart this was coming, I wasn’t ready.  I wasn’t ready for the flood of thoughts that poured into my heart and soul when the words were actually spoken out loud, “Mom, I’m not going to serve a mission.”  Thoughts like, “Where did I go wrong?” and “I’m not so sure about this ‘agency’ thing” and “What does this mean for his spiritual future?” and “I wonder how other people will treat him when they find out” and “This confirms what I’ve long suspected ~ I really am a failure as a mom.”

As we left the kitchen table that rainy afternoon I was determined, even with a hurting heart, to navigate this situation and my relationship with my son with love and understanding instead of blame and guilt.  If you find yourself struggling because your son isn’t serving a mission and want to talk about your flood of emotions, contact me at kelly@findpeaceinparenting.com and we can set up a free 20-minute mini-session.  I promise you, despair is not your only choice even though you might be devastated right now.