One of the first concepts I teach my clients is that the circumstances
in our lives are neutral ~ just facts ~ and so it’s not the situation we’re in
that’s causing us to be happy or sad, excited or nervous, or even calm or angry. Rather, it’s what we’re thinking about our
circumstances that determine how we feel.
Take a bouquet of flowers.
When my husband brings flowers home for me I feel loved. It lets me know he was listening when I told
him I like fresh flowers because they brighten the room. It shows me that he’s been thinking of me
while we were apart. And as I’m arranging
them in a vase it reminds me of a YW leader I loved who taught me the nuances
of flower arranging. So, for me, when my
husband walks through the door with flowers in his hand, I feel loved.
But I know other wives who, when they see their husbands
come home with flowers, don’t necessarily see it as a gesture of love, but
rather more work for them to do. “Now I
have to find a vase, trim the flowers, and try to keep them alive for a while.”
This doesn’t mean I’m a more grateful wife than one who
doesn’t appreciate flowers. This simply
shows how the situation is neutral ~ husband brings home flowers ~ and how this
simple, neutral act can invoke different thoughts and feelings, which proves it’s
not the flowers that are causing the gratitude or angst, but what we’re
thinking.
Why does this even matter?
Because if it’s the situation that’s causing our misery, then we’re
doomed to be miserable until the situation changes (which is often out of our
control). But the situation is always
neutral.
Even your son not going to church anymore.
Even finding hidden drug paraphernalia in your son’s closet.
Even the judgments of a sister at Church.
Circumstances are neutral ~ and that’s the good news,
because what you think and feel about what’s going on is completely up to you.
