White-knuckling ~ NOT your only choice

Let’s face it.  As moms we often believe ~ especially when life isn’t going the way we hoped it would ~ that we’re in this alone, that it’s up to us to make it all better.  We might have a husband or friend we can share our deepest fears with, we know our Heavenly Father is there for us, but we still feel alone and we find ourselves white-knuckling our way through this relationship with our son.  This is why I started my Find Peace in Parenting blog and coaching program ~ because white-knuckling isn’t the only way.

Yet, as I talk to LDS moms about my Find Peace in Parenting coaching program, I sometimes get the feeling they think I believe that my coaching tools should replace their dependence on Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.  This is the exact opposite of what I believe.  I know Heavenly Father will guide us through the challenging times in our lives.  But I also know that the adversary spends a lot of time trying to discourage us and create havoc when our sons aren’t living the way we want them to.  I also know that when I’m consumed with feelings of doubt, I don’t show up in my relationship with my Heavenly Father from a place where I can hear Him and feel connected to Him, even if I’m going through the motions.  When I’m believing ~ and telling myself over-and-over ~ that I’m a failure as a mom, I begin to doubt that even the Atonement can heal my heart.  When I’m consumed with despair, it makes it more difficult for me to hear the whisperings of the Holy Ghost.

This is where Find Peace in Parenting comes in.  The coaching I do helps you clear your head and put you in a better place to feel His direction in your life.  The blogs I write are here to enhance your LDS beliefs, not diminish them.

If you’re tired of the exhaustion that comes from white-knuckling and you want to find out more about my Find Peace in Parenting coaching program and how this work can bring you closer to Heavenly Father ~ SCHEDULE a free MINI-SESSION NOW or email me at kelly@findpeaceinparenting.com.  I’m here for you.

Awareness is the key

Before I became a certified life coach, I often found myself mentally exhausted, with the accompanying “fog” that seemed to follow me everywhere and migraines that interrupted my life way too often.

Even if you’re not interested in my Find Peace in Parenting coaching program, I want to tell you how you can begin to climb out of the fog that seems to permeate when you’re worried about the choices your teenagers are making.

When I find my mind spinning out of control, I sit down for 5-10 minutes and just write whatever I’m thinking.  I don’t censor it.  I don’t judge it.  I just download all of my thoughts.  Just the process of getting it all out of my head seems to bring some relief.

Then, I look back over what I’ve written and decide what’s true and what’s not.  It’s easy for me to fall into the trap of believing that just because I’m thinking something, it must be true.  But as I’ve learned to become aware of just what is going on in my head I’ve realized I tell myself a lot of falsehoods ~ and they don’t help me in my situation.  Once I have the awareness, though, I can decide whether or not it’s something I want to keep thinking and believing.

If you’re tired of the fog that just complicates things as you parent your teen, I challenge you to take 5 minutes right now and write down everything you’re thinking about your situation.  Try not to write what you think you *should* be thinking.  Don’t worry about proper sentence structure or your handwriting.  Just write.

Then ask yourself if there are any lies on that piece of paper.  If there are, decide whether or not you are going to keep believing it.  It really is a choice.

If you find some thoughts you’d like to stop thinking but you’re having a hard time knowing how to get rid of them, email me at kelly@findpeaceinparenting.com and I’ll help you open up your mind to the possibilities.

Walking the walk (not just talking the talk)

Photo by Dineslav Roydev on Unsplash

This morning (as I was doing what I encourage my clients to do daily ~ their own thought work!) it hit me just how powerful the tools I get to teach to others really are and how much they have impacted my own life.  So I thought I would share the three beliefs that have changed for me over the last year and how each new belief has changed my life.

#1 ~ When I spent a week entirely immersed in coaching and being coached myself, I became aware of a deep, long-lived belief I didn’t even realize I had ~ the belief that I *wasn’t* ever quite enough… as a wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend, chairman, neighbor (the list could go on)… not ever enough.  My new-found awareness of this over-arching thought, and the realization of how it permeated everything I did, was so shocking to me and so sad to me, I decided to put a stop to it.  And I did.  I had to practice it for a while but now I know *I am enough* and it has made all the difference in my life, and even I can see how I now show up as the person I really want to be rather than a watered-down version of me.

#2 ~ During my certification period to become a life coach I began to realize that I often told myself I never had very good questions to ask.  As soon as I noticed this, I remembered back to my many years of teaching and mentoring, and realized that every time I prepared to lead a discussion I had always thought the same thing.  Well, I could clearly see this wouldn’t be a helpful belief if I wanted to be the best life coach I could be, so I determined to change it.  And I did.  Again, I had to practice “I ask good questions” for a while; I even giggled out loud in the beginning because it didn’t feel true, but I kept practicing it anyway.  Several months later, not only do I hear myself asking good questions, but several times a week I’m told, “Wow, that is a good question.”

#3 ~ Anyone who has built her own business (or even tried!) knows the experience is full of highs-and-lows, and oftentimes it’s discouraging.  Instead of dwelling on how hard it is to find the people I want to help (“It’s hard to find my niche clients”), I decided to concentrate on this thought:  “I’m learning to find niche clients.”  Until today.  During my thought work today I realized that while “learning to” was a good step from “it’s hard,” I’m now ready to believe “I know how to find niche clients.”  And I will find them because it's my heart's desire to help them.

We spend a lot of time on our physical and spiritual health (and rightly so!) but we often don’t see the importance of working on our mental health unless we’re mentally ill.  However, becoming aware of the thoughts I shared above allowed me to decide whether or not they were serving me well.  When I realized they weren’t I was then in a position to make a choice to keeping thinking and believing that way, or not.  And while I can’t always change the situation I’m in or the challenge I’m facing, I *can* determine how *I* want to show up, no matter what is going on.  Even in parenting our teen and young adult children.  In fact, especially as we parent them.

“Find Peace in Parenting” isn’t just a nice saying or a hopeful thought.  I know it’s a possibility for anyone who chooses to learn how to manager her own mind.  If you want "peace in parenting" to be *your* reality ~ contact me now at kelly@findpeaceinparenting.com.  Peace awaits.  Come on, I’ll show you how!

Real Freedom

As a child who spent more than a handful of years living overseas, I grew up with an appreciation for the freedoms I enjoy as an American citizen.

As a student of history, I have a depth of understanding of the sacrifices that accompany freedom, and I’m eternally grateful to those who gave part of their lives and those who gave their whole life, so I can be free.

As a wife whose husband served our country in the US Navy for over 20 years, I have a unique love for those who serve in the military, and also for those who support those who serve.

And yet, with an abundance of freedom surrounding me, I sometimes feel trapped when things aren’t going the way they should; I sometimes feel stuck in fear when I see my son not living like he should; and I sometimes feel desperate when I’m consumed with the thought that life shouldn’t be unfair.

Americans have more freedoms than we sometimes realize, but obviously, feeling cornered or scared or distressed only makes us feel like our hands are tied… definitely *not* free.  But don’t be discouraged!  I’ve been reading Tracy Goss’ The Last Word on Power and have learned a truth I want to share with you.  But, first, go back and re-read the paragraph above (“And yet…”).

Did you notice anything?  A common word?

“Should.”

That six-letter word ~ should ~ is just a big trouble-maker.  Goss explains why as she identifies the Universal Human Paradigm (something all human beings believe):  “There is a way that things should be.  And when they are that way, things are right.  When they’re not that way, something is wrong with you, them, or it.” (p. 77)

Think about it.  How often is “should” the beginning of your angst?

Now contrast the Universal Human Paradigm with this truth:  “Life does not turn out the way it ‘should.’  Nor does life turn out the way it ‘shouldn’t.’  Life turns out the way it does.” (p. 96)

Think about it.  “Life turns out the way it does.”

This doesn’t mean we don’t care.  It doesn’t mean we don’t pray.  It doesn’t mean we don’t teach and try to influence for good.  It doesn’t mean we throw up our hands and quit trying.  It simply means life turns out the way it does so there’s no use spending time consumed with “I should have…” or “I shouldn’t have…”

How would your life be different if “should” was banned for the day?  What freedom could you enjoy if “should” was not a part of your vocabulary for a week?  Comment below or email me at kelly@findpeaceinparenting.com ~ I’d love to hear about the freedom that awaits you!

The Uncharted Trail

Sometimes my husband and I like to go hiking.  When we don’t have an entire day to devote to playing, but still want to get out in nature, we have our go-to canyon that’s fairly close to home, includes a moderate hike, and has beautiful views.  We’ve hiked in this canyon multiple times, usually making our way to the top of the rim, enjoying the view, and then going back down the same way we went up.

Recently, however, we decided to go down a different way so we could see some other sites in this gorgeous canyon.  We had forgotten to grab a map but figured we could find our way ~ or else we would just turn around and go back the way we’d come… if we needed to.

Our hike up to the canyon rim was nice and familiar.  After making our way to the top and taking some time to enjoy the view and eat breakfast, it was time to keep going.  The canyon rim was longer than we expected.  As we continued to walk, with the temperatures rising, we began to wonder when we would find the path that would take us back down into some shade.

When we stumbled upon a rattlesnake we almost turned around, but decided to keep going on the path that was new to us.

After passing various clumps of trees, each time sure we were to see the path that would take us down into the canyon, only to find more boulders and trees, we asked a fellow hiker (who was heading in the opposite direction) how far we had to go before the descent began.  We were closer than we thought!

As we made our way back down into the canyon we got to see some new sites, like an old, crumbling dam and a glittering waterfall.  There were sporadic signs to point the way, but we also came upon forks in the path; sometimes we chose the right way and sometimes we had to turn around and take the other path.  We enjoyed the new experience, but there were also times we wondered when it would end (especially when we ran out of water!).  But by the time we got back to our car we were grateful for the new things we saw and the lessons we learned along the way.

Hiking on this new (to us) trail, when we weren’t quite prepared and we didn’t quite know where we were going, reminded me of the unchartered trail we sometimes get to travel as moms.

I had some definite expectations as my boys moved into their young adult lives.  I had a map that showed the course they were “supposed” to take.  As some of them choose a different way I sometimes feel lost and alone, sometimes I’m scared of the dangers that are out there, and sometimes I get tired of the new terrain.

However, staying stuck and afraid and exhausted isn’t the only option as you travel down this road you’d rather not be on.  Sure, there are probably dangers along the way, but you can navigate your way safely around them.  It’s also important to remember that even when you’re in new territory and unsure of exactly where you’re headed, there *are* fellow travelers that can guide you.  And whether you see this as an opportunity or an unbearable burden will make all of the difference ~ for you.

What would happen if you embraced this new opportunity to learn the value of agency and to learn how to love unconditionally?  Wishing you weren’t on this path won’t make it go away.  So, since you’re here anyway, why not make the best of it? 

Learning to find peace in a situation you can’t change is a valuable skill to have.  There’s no better time to do it than now.  Peace *can* be yours.

If you’d like to chat with someone who’s learned to find peace in her parenting, I’m just an email way (kelly@findpeaceinparenting.com).  You don’t have to traverse this uncharted trail all alone.  I’ve done it alone and I’ve done it with support.  With support is so much better.

Your brain ~ more powerful than you think

Our brains are so powerful.

Recently I heard someone say something like, “I decided years ago that I would look good in every picture, and I have ever since.”

I generally hate having my picture taken ~ or rather, I don’t like seeing myself in pictures.  However, after hearing the above comment I decided to see if believing I look good in every picture taken of me would change what I saw.  This time of year ~ with the beginning of summer and family get-togethers ~ has given me ample opportunity to test it out.  This is what I’ve discovered…

It is true.

Since changing my mindset about myself in pictures I have enjoyed the multitude of photos taken at family celebrations, a women’s church activity (including video of me learning some dance steps), and a hike with my hubby.  I don’t weigh less in these pictures than when I originally heard I could believe I look good in every picture.  Nothing has changed… except for the way I think about myself in pictures.

My brain is powerful.  Your brain is powerful.

So, what would happen if you chose to think something different about your current situation with your teenage son?  Assuming you’ve done everything you can to change his current choices, to alter the path he is on, to make things be different… but nothing has changed ~ what have you got to lose by experimenting with some other thoughts about your son, something different than “This shouldn’t be happening” or “I’m such a failure as a mom”?  Is it possible that…

This is his journey and you can love him and pray for him through all the ups-and-downs.

He’s learning and we all learn by doing.

Nobody could be his Mom better than you.

You are enough.

Often our brains are on automatic pilot, and we all have our favorite go-to thoughts.  But because our minds are so powerful we *can* redirect them if our current thoughts aren’t helping us be who we really want to be in this situation.

Pick a useful thought from above (or one you’ve thought of yourself) and start practicing it several times a day.  What changes for you?  How is your day different by spending a few minutes thinking “Nobody could be his mom better than me” or “This is his journey and I can love him and pray for him through it all”?

I’d love to hear about your experience.  Comment below or email me at kelly@findpeaceinparenting.com

The day my head DIDN’T explode!

One afternoon, my son and I got into a heated argument.  I can’t even remember now what it was about, yet this was a pivotal moment for me.  As he stomped off upstairs, I sat on the couch feeling so infuriated my head felt like it was going to explode.  And yet, as I saw his feet disappear at the top of the stairs I had this stark realization ~ my depth of anger for my son at that moment equaled the depth of my love for him.  All of the sudden the anger that had scared me just a moment before seemed OK.  In fact, I actually embraced it because in some weird way it also reflected the great love I had (and still have!) in my heart for him.

Oftentimes we mistakenly believe that happiness is the absence of negative emotion.  But that’s not really the case.  Happiness is actually the joy you feel as you’re working towards your potential.  And guess what?!  Working towards your potential *will* involve overcoming obstacles, which also means experiencing some undesirable emotion along the way.

Resisting negative emotion (a.k.a., pretending it’s not really there) doesn’t make it go away.  In fact, resisting emotion creates so many problems (i.e., feeling stuck, physical ailments) and it keeps us from experiencing what it is to truly be alive.

The next time you find yourself buffering from a negative emotion (i.e., distracting yourself with social media, food, exercise, etc.), try allowing yourself to feel that emotion instead.

Name the emotion.  Notice where you actually feel it in your body.  Allow it to be there (sometimes acknowledging out loud can help, “This is [regret].  I’m feeling [regret]”).  Get out some paper and write down everything in your head.  Don’t judge it, just allow it, and be curious.

Allowing yourself to feel the negative emotion, instead of resist it, will enable it to actually go away ~ which is very different than pretending it’s not really there.  It allows you to be a real human being living here on the earth where we’re supposed to experience the good and the bad.

There is no hope without disappointment.

There is no joy without sorrow.

There is no faith without doubt.