Parenting Problems: Take Two

Picture by Ian deng

In last week’s blog I shared how I returned to a hotel to retrieve some missing shoes only to eventually find those shoes were already in my car.  When I chose to believe this wasn’t a big deal, that it was not a reason to get upset, I got to feel love and peace, something that would not have been available to me if I was angry.

It seems kind of obvious in situations that don’t include the heartstrings of a mother.  But what if the same thing applied even when your teenage son stops going to church, doesn’t serve a mission, or even moves in with his girlfriend?

It does apply.

What you’re thinking about your problem with your son really is up to you (and that’s actually good news!).  Since your thoughts cause you to feel a certain way, ask yourself, “How do I want to feel about this?”

Let’s say your son moves in with his girlfriend.  You don’t approve of this decision, and in fact, you’ve taught him much differently, but he’s moved in with her anyway.  Your initial reaction may be one of heartbreak, anger, disappointment, or even indifference.  But my question for you is ~ How do you want to feel about this? 

I’m not suggesting you should feel delighted or even OK with it (although you certainly can if you’d like).  The truth is ~ there’s no “right” answer to how you want to feel about this.  You get to decide.

As you think about how you want to feel, you might also consider how you want to behave in this particular situation.  No matter what’s going on for me, I act differently if I’m curious rather than enraged, if I feel hope rather than despair.  And I’ve found that, especially in parenting my teens, how I behave certainly makes a difference in the situation.

So, how do you want to feel about this problem?

What feeling will help you to show up in this problem from a place of wisdom and peace?

Answers to your problems and creativity in finding solutions come so much easier when you are calm and curious.  Is what you’re doing now serving you and helping the problem?  Is there something you could think or feel that wouldn’t cause you to act from a negative space?

Different thoughts and feelings will always cause you to act differently.  Even in your situation.  Even when you can’t control other people.

If you can feel the truth in this but aren’t quite sure what a useful feeling might even be for you in your particular situation, feel free to sign up for a free mini-session and I’ll show you how.

Tired of your problems?

What if most of the things you think of as problems aren’t really problems?  What if your problem is really an opportunity?

Recently, we were out of town for the weekend.  We were headed to church before going home when my husband called (we were in separate cars) to tell me we had left a pair of shoes in our hotel room.  Although I knew it would mean I would be late for Sacrament meeting, I turned around to go back and get the shoes.  (FYI ~ I'm a pretty timely person and am rarely late for anything!)  After checking and re-checking the hotel room, I went back to my car and found all of our shoes safely tucked inside our shoe bag.

I could have easily been upset with myself (for not checking the bag first) or upset with my husband (for not remembering he put the shoes in the bag), OR I could choose to not make a big deal out of it.  I chose to giggle and just get back on the road.

Problems really aren’t problems until you think of them as problems (someone else could have thought it was a good thing to be late for church ;).  In fact, focusing on the problem can sometimes be the problem because it prevents you from focusing on the solution or how to move forward.

One way to shift your thinking is to ask yourself, “So what?”  Why does it matter that I returned to the hotel only to ultimately find the shoes in my trunk?  If I make it mean it’s not OK to be wrong sometimes or there’s something wrong because I was late to church or I should have pulled over and checked the bag before driving 15 minutes back to the hotel and because I didn’t there’s something wrong with me ~ If I make this experience mean any of these things, that’s where the problem lies because I have the power to interpret the situation any way I want (i.e., better to check when I was only 10 miles away instead of 60 miles).

It boils down to this:  your thinking is what causes the problem, not the particular situation (because the situation is just what happened, not your interpretation of what happened).  And this really is good news because it gives you back the power!

(By the way, I’m not suggesting you shouldn’t think about anything as a problem; just notice that it’s your thinking that’s making the problem.)

So, you’re worried about your son because he doesn’t go to Seminary (or think about your own reason for worrying).  Your worry comes from what you’re thinking. 

So what that he doesn’t go to Seminary? 

Why does it matter to you? 

What are you making it mean?

The answers to these questions will show you what’s really the problem because your answers are what you are thinking about this situation and it’s your thinking that’s causing the worry.

Becoming aware of what it is you are thinking and then recognizing how that thinking makes you feel is a powerful first step in finding the solution to your problem.

Try it for yourself:

Name your problem.

Write down all the reasons it’s a problem.

Ask:  So what?  Why does it matter to you?  What are you making it mean?

Notice whether or not those thoughts are serving you.  But also spend some time this week noticing how those thoughts make you feel.

If you want help with this process ~ so you can finally have some peace in your own parenting situation ~ schedule a free mini-session now and I’ll help you figure out what thoughts are really causing your problem.

Right on Track

Our thoughts matter.  My thoughts matter.  Your thoughts matter.

Recently I realized that I was ~ without knowing it ~ thinking that my family was fractured.  We don’t all see things the same way.  We don’t all even believe the same things anymore.  Some individual relationships are strained.  Feelings have been hurt.  Walls have been built for protection.

Of course, when I believe my family is broken I become overwhelmed with feelings of despair and powerlessness.  In case you don’t know what that looks like it’s… lots of worry; second-guessing myself and others; and, a big desire to control things I can’t control.  Sounds like a recipe for disaster ~ when all I really want is a close, loving family.

This is where the power of awareness comes in!

When I realized I was thinking my family is damaged (and I really did NOT know that was spinning around in my head) I decided to start consciously believing something else ~ We are becoming a forever family and we’re right on track.

Seriously.  We are becoming a forever family and we’re right on track.

I mean, don’t forever families need to learn how to navigate hard times, as well as good?  Don’t forever families need to learn how to love each other unconditionally even if we may not agree with each other all the time?  Don’t forever families need to learn how to sacrifice for each other, support each other, learn from each other, forgive each other?  If the answer to any or all of these is “yes” (and I believe it is), then we are truly becoming a forever family and we’re right on track.

My heart has been full of peace and a new level of unconditional love for each member of my family since changing my paradigm.  This isn’t to say, however, that there haven’t been disappointments and disagreements in our family since I embraced this new way of seeing us, but what’s going on in my head seems to make all the difference.

What’s going on in your head?

Tired of being a mind reader?

(Image by Scott Rodgerson)

The first time one of my sons revealed to me he had been doing something he knew we didn’t approve of, my first instinct was to worry about what this said about me as a mom.  However, I remember, when I was in the throes of wondering what so-and-so would think about me when she found out, I suddenly had a stark realization:  I could spend my time worrying about what other people would think about me as a mom OR I could focus my attention on my son and help him, but there really wasn’t room in my mind for both at the same time.

We spend so much time trying to control what people think of us (or our children), trying to get approval from others, trying to “look good” for them.  But, you can’t really control someone else’s opinion.  In fact, you can never really know what someone else is thinking.  You are actually only thinking your own thoughts about the other person’s opinions.

This isn’t to say other people don’t have judgments about how we parent or about what our kids are doing, but I will tell you this:  their opinions tell you something about them, not you.  Really.  I mean, my husband loves Rocky Road ice cream but I think it’s gross.  The fact that I don’t like Rocky Road ice cream doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with it; it just means it’s not for me.

Other people can believe I don’t really love my son because I didn’t force him to go to Seminary (see “Just because they say it, doesn’t mean it’s true” for the full story).  But I know better; I know how much love I have for each one of my children ~ even if other people don’t know it.  And that’s the point.  Judgment in and of itself isn’t what hurts.  The pain comes from believing the other person’s judgment, and only you can decide to believe it… or not.

The thing about approval is this ~ we can spend so much time trying to get it from others when, ultimately, even that will feel empty if we don’t have our own approval.  And when you have your own approval you can make room in your life for the opinions of others and not make their judgments mean you’re unworthy, incapable, or just not good enough.  Doesn’t that sound freeing?!?!

If you’re tired of making parenting choices in hopes of gaining the approval of others, but you’re not sure how to break the cycle, schedule a free mini-session NOW and I’ll show you how I can help.

Overcoming Anxiety

Last summer I went tubing for the first time.  I was excited for this new experience… until the boat that was pulling our tube started moving.  Suddenly, my chest seemed tight and all I could think about was getting out of the water.

My son was right by my side and I told him I was done.  Since we had just barely started, he asked me what was wrong.  I was afraid to fall off and had no idea how I would handle it if I did.

He told me to let go.

I told him he was crazy, and said, “No way.”

He said again, “Let go, Mom.  On the count of the three we’ll both let go together.”

I have no idea why I listened, but when he got to “3” I let go of the tube and almost instantly found myself bobbing up and down in the water, feeling much better, and waving to my husband to turn the boat around so we could really go tubing :)  When I talked about it later I realized a few things:  1) I had forgotten that I know how to swim; 2) I had forgotten I had a life jacket on; and 3) Immersed in my anxiety, I told myself I was going to get hurt because I had no idea what I was doing.

In this experience, my anxiety was short-lived; however, when we worry about our children, the anxiety can seem to pervade our lives, taint everything, and leave us with worry, fear, and apprehension.

Sure, anxiety is a part of life, so it’s not as if when you learn to overcome anxiety you’ll never have to deal with it again.  But knowing a few things about anxiety can help you deal with it better.  Here’s some things to know:

-          Anxiety is an uncomfortable feeling (and a feeling is just a vibration you feel in your body, which means the feeling won’t actually hurt you).

-          Anxiety is normal and natural, which means there’s not something wrong with you when you get anxious; you’re just human.

-          Anxiety in and of itself is harmless; it’s our reaction to it and resistance of it that causes problems, which means we can have some power over it.

So, what can you do to overcome the anxiety you feel when you think about the choices your son is making?  As moms, we usually try to resist or fight the anxiety (i.e., get mad at ourselves for having it), but this only increases it.  Or, we react to it (i.e., yell, rush around), but this only seems to add fuel to the fire.  Or, we avoid it (i.e., pretend it’s not there or distract ourselves with food, work, Facebook, etc.), but this only works in the moment.

There is another option, though.  It might seem counter-intuitive, but the next time you feel the anxiety welling up inside, I challenge you to… actively accept it.  Here’s how:

-          Recognize you’re feeling anxious.

-          Remind yourself nothing has gone wrong, you’re just feeling anxiety (and we’re not supposed to feel comfortable all the time).

-          Choose to accept it (which does not mean you’re giving up; it actually means you’re taking your power back).

-          Remember, thoughts cause feelings, so it’s thoughts that cause anxiety (not the situation).  Be curious about what you’re thinking.  Often times we don’t even really know what we’re thinking, so take 5-10 minutes to write, write, write down what’s going on in your head.  Don’t judge it, just write, and then notice which thoughts are causing your anxiety.  (This is NOT a time to beat yourself up or get mad at yourself for what you’re thinking.  Don’t even try to change what you’re thinking.  Just notice what you’re thinking and let yourself be/understand.)

-          Specifically describe how your anxiety feels in your body.  Where do you feel it?  (Scan your body from your toes to your head.)  What does it feel like?  (Say you feel it in your shoulders ~ Is it hard like a rock?  Heavy?)  Describing how the anxiety feels allows you to observe it; it also helps you understand that it’s just a vibration you feel somewhere in your body and it’s not necessary to avoid it.

-          Breathe.  Inhale until your belly is full, then exhale slowly and fully.

When you choose to actively accept the anxiety you feel, you own it.  It doesn’t make it disappear, but it does put you back in control.  Anxiety doesn’t mean something has gone terribly wrong; it means you’re alive.  And since it’s an emotion you’ll get to experience on a regular basis, remember, it’s not a problem until you make it a problem by resisting it, avoiding it, or reacting to it.

If you would like some help learning how to accept the anxiety you feel, email me at kelly@findpeaceinparenting.com to set up a free mini-session today.  We can talk about your own specific situation and see if my Find Peace in Parenting program is a good fit for you.  There’s nothing to lose… except some of your worry ;)

White-knuckling ~ NOT your only choice

Let’s face it.  As moms we often believe ~ especially when life isn’t going the way we hoped it would ~ that we’re in this alone, that it’s up to us to make it all better.  We might have a husband or friend we can share our deepest fears with, we know our Heavenly Father is there for us, but we still feel alone and we find ourselves white-knuckling our way through this relationship with our son.  This is why I started my Find Peace in Parenting blog and coaching program ~ because white-knuckling isn’t the only way.

Yet, as I talk to LDS moms about my Find Peace in Parenting coaching program, I sometimes get the feeling they think I believe that my coaching tools should replace their dependence on Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.  This is the exact opposite of what I believe.  I know Heavenly Father will guide us through the challenging times in our lives.  But I also know that the adversary spends a lot of time trying to discourage us and create havoc when our sons aren’t living the way we want them to.  I also know that when I’m consumed with feelings of doubt, I don’t show up in my relationship with my Heavenly Father from a place where I can hear Him and feel connected to Him, even if I’m going through the motions.  When I’m believing ~ and telling myself over-and-over ~ that I’m a failure as a mom, I begin to doubt that even the Atonement can heal my heart.  When I’m consumed with despair, it makes it more difficult for me to hear the whisperings of the Holy Ghost.

This is where Find Peace in Parenting comes in.  The coaching I do helps you clear your head and put you in a better place to feel His direction in your life.  The blogs I write are here to enhance your LDS beliefs, not diminish them.

If you’re tired of the exhaustion that comes from white-knuckling and you want to find out more about my Find Peace in Parenting coaching program and how this work can bring you closer to Heavenly Father ~ SCHEDULE a free MINI-SESSION NOW or email me at kelly@findpeaceinparenting.com.  I’m here for you.

Awareness is the key

Before I became a certified life coach, I often found myself mentally exhausted, with the accompanying “fog” that seemed to follow me everywhere and migraines that interrupted my life way too often.

Even if you’re not interested in my Find Peace in Parenting coaching program, I want to tell you how you can begin to climb out of the fog that seems to permeate when you’re worried about the choices your teenagers are making.

When I find my mind spinning out of control, I sit down for 5-10 minutes and just write whatever I’m thinking.  I don’t censor it.  I don’t judge it.  I just download all of my thoughts.  Just the process of getting it all out of my head seems to bring some relief.

Then, I look back over what I’ve written and decide what’s true and what’s not.  It’s easy for me to fall into the trap of believing that just because I’m thinking something, it must be true.  But as I’ve learned to become aware of just what is going on in my head I’ve realized I tell myself a lot of falsehoods ~ and they don’t help me in my situation.  Once I have the awareness, though, I can decide whether or not it’s something I want to keep thinking and believing.

If you’re tired of the fog that just complicates things as you parent your teen, I challenge you to take 5 minutes right now and write down everything you’re thinking about your situation.  Try not to write what you think you *should* be thinking.  Don’t worry about proper sentence structure or your handwriting.  Just write.

Then ask yourself if there are any lies on that piece of paper.  If there are, decide whether or not you are going to keep believing it.  It really is a choice.

If you find some thoughts you’d like to stop thinking but you’re having a hard time knowing how to get rid of them, email me at kelly@findpeaceinparenting.com and I’ll help you open up your mind to the possibilities.